


The Stranger In You

by Blue_Night



Category: Football RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Arguments, Arrogance, Being sorry, Blow Jobs, Dark Thoughts, Denial, Depression, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fights, Forgiveness, M/M, Male Depression, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rage, Same-Sex Marriage, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts, Superiority, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, Violence, egoism, self-righteousness, tantrums, verbal children abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-05-29 23:26:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 54,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6398530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Night/pseuds/Blue_Night
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story about male depression. </p><p>Depression changes not only the ones suffering from it, but also the ones living with them and sometimes, it is hard to tell who is suffering more, the depressed one or their beloved ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I have mused about writing about this topic for a very long time. There are a lot of stories about depression posted here, but none of the ones I've read really coped with how male depression manifests itself in most of the cases, because grown up men suffer differently than women. This story is not meant to blame anyone, because depression is a severe disease, and the ones suffering from it can't overcome it without medical help.  
> I actually wanted to write it in the present tense, but decided to use the past tense and smooth it out a little bit, because it probably would have become too severe and heavy to let anybody read it otherwise. 
> 
> Trigger warning: this story contains verbal abuse and minor violence as much as suicidal thoughts and severe fights. It also contains verbal abuse of children, so if you don't feel comfortable with such topics, don't read it. Thoughtful and constructive comments would be much appreciated.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start is a slow building and people don't know how to call the change to the worse at first.

Erik could never tell later on when it had all started, but most likely shortly after Marco's retirement. It was a slow process, almost unnoticed at first, because every couple has to face some hardships now and then, even the truly happy ones, and this was what they had been until Marco had retired: a happy couple.

A lot had changed in the world of sports, and Erik and Marco had lived openly together for the last four years of Marco's active time as a player. Erik had moved in with him after coming out to their teammates and friends, and only one year later, they had come out to the publicity, married and gotten the chance to adopt a child: Daniel, the sweetest boy walking on Earth, at least in Erik's and Marco's opinion. It was hard and tricky to raise a little child with their jobs, but they had two big families and a lot of friends living nearby, and Daniel was loved and well taken care of whenever they had an away match or couldn't be with him.

Of course, Erik felt a little bit worried by the thought of Marco not playing with him any longer, having to search for a new job and most of all a new profession, something fulfilling him the same way playing football had always done. Most people – and to be honest, Erik was one of them – didn't think that Marco could be as good as a trainer for football as he had been as a player, and so he was more than only a little bit surprised when Marco told him one day during breakfast that he had signed up for a course to get the trainer license and start a second career in the football world.

“Are you sure that this is what you really want to do, Marco?” he asked, trying to keep his doubts out of his voice. He obviously hadn't succeeded with that, because his husband frowned. “Yes, I am sure, Erik. I know that you don't believe in my skills and my ability to become a trainer, but that's what I want to do, with or without your support.”

Erik swallowed. Marco had never talked to him this way, accusing him of not supporting him or believing in him. And ever since they lived together, he had never made such a decision on his own without talking about it with Erik beforehand. “It's not that I don't believe in you. You will be a great trainer, I'm sure,” he said with a smile, hoping to ease the tension suddenly lying in the air. “I'm only surprised that you didn't tell me beforehand.”

Marco wasn't calmed down, at all. “I don't have to, do I? After all, it is my life and my career.”

Erik felt himself paling. He pushed his plate aside, feeling not hungry anymore all of a sudden. “Of course, Marco, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.”

“I'm not hurt!” Marco snapped, and Daniel who had watched them, silently and with big eyes, flinched by his father's harsh words. “Daddy has said that he is sorry, Paps,” he pleaded. “You have told me that I have to accept the apology when Lukas says sorry to me after a fight.”

Erik's heart ached when he saw how confused and scared their six-years-old son looked. “Paps and I didn't fight, Dani, it was only a misunderstanding. Daddy has misunderstood something,” he assured their son, taking the blame and stroking the smooth skin of Daniel's cheek to soothe him. He shot Marco a warning look, but the older man only snorted, obviously still feeling offended. He stood up, pushing his chair back and against the glass cabinet standing behind his chair rather forcefully. Erik and Daniel flinched both when the glass door creaked dangerously. “I will see to filling the dishwater machine. I seem to be the only one who is able to do that properly, anyway! You will only damage it with your careless behavior!”

Erik stared after him, stroking absentmindedly Daniel's hair, and when the boy crawled into his lap, wrapping his arms around his younger father's neck, he pulled him close, grateful to have something to hold on to. It was strange that he felt this way, because Daniel was the boy and he his father, and it should be the other way around, but Erik needed this comforting embrace as much as Daniel needed it in this moment. “What's wrong with paps, daddy?” their son whispered into his ear, pressing himself firmly against Erik's strong frame. The brunet kissed his temple. “Nothing, Dani, nothing. Paps has only a bad day like all of us have now and then. Tomorrow, he will be better again, I promise you.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

The next day was better, and so were the next weeks, but Erik couldn't shake off the bad feeling pooling in his guts since that morning when Marco had behaved like a stranger for the first time. Daniel was happy when Marco went to the park with him, spending the entire day on the playground as an excuse for the previous day, but Erik lay beside him in the night, listening to his breathing and asking himself what he had done wrong to upset his husband that much with his harmless question. It was the first one of many sleepless nights awaiting him and Erik needed hours to fall asleep himself.

During the next weeks, Marco buried himself in his studies for the trainer license, and he also started a distance learning to also get his diploma as an assistant production manager. Erik was glad that the older man had found something interesting to fill his days with while Erik was at training or away with his team, but he was still worried that Marco would strain himself too much or that he wouldn't be good enough and get disappointed in the end. Studying after being out of school for such a long time was pretty hard and Marco was stressed the entire time, dividing his days into his studies, his sports to stay fit and in perfect shape, and the daily duties of being a husband and a father. Erik tried to help him as best as he could, but Marco mostly growled at him, telling him what he did wrong with Daniel, with the cooking, the cleaning or washing until he hardly dared to do anything any longer.

In the evenings, the blond lay on the couch, watching TV with a frown between his brows and his lips pressed to a thin line, too tired to take a walk with Erik and Daniel, play a game with them or share some intimacy with his husband. “Leave me alone, I worked all day, I think I deserve some quiet time on my own!” he growled at their sweet son when Daniel asked him shyly to play FIFA with him, something Marco had loved to do before his retirement.

Erik like always took his trembling son in his arms, kissing and soothing him, but when he wanted to play with Daniel instead, Marco got furious, opening his mouth to scream with open ire at them. “I said no!! I want to watch TV now, and I want both of you to leave me alone! You can play on another day!” The brunet stared at him in shock, and he didn't recognize the face of his beloved one any more, the normally beautiful amber-golden eyes glowing in an ugly yellow light, and his handsome features had turned into a grimace hardly resembling the man he had fallen in love with. This man was a complete stranger again, there was nothing familiar in his glance, his posture or his voice.

“Of course, Marco. We're sorry, we will leave you alone, of course.” Erik took their crying son on his arms and hurried to leave the living room. “Daddy, why is paps so mad with me? I only wanted to play with him like he has done before he wanted to become a trainer,” Daniel sobbed desperately, and Erik rocked him, tenderly. “I know, baby, I know. You did nothing wrong, Dani. Paps is only having a bad day again.”

“Paps is having a lot of bad days, lately, Daddy.”

“I know, baby, but, it'll pass again, I promise you.” Only that Erik wasn't so sure about that himself any longer.

 

*~*~*~*

 

For a while, it seemed to become better again, because Marco was offered a job as an assistant trainer for the junior team of their beloved BVB, and he threw himself in his new task with pride, excitement and revived spirits. Erik didn't say anything, happy that the man he loved so much had found a real job and finally felt needed and appreciated again. He had stopped talking about his own job as a player months ago, knowing that it would upset Marco to hear about training with his old teammates and about the games, even though it hurt to listen to Marco's monologues about his own oh so important studies and having to stay silent the entire time. Marco never asked him about his job or their friends, he had even started to avoid them, canceling their evenings with them more and more oftentimes or excusing himself with having to study or not wanting to leave Daniel with the babysitter. Erik met them alone, smiling weakly when he told another lie and another halfhearted excuse why Marco hadn't been able to come with him. He hated the pitiful glances of his friends, but he didn't show it, smiling, laughing and joking as if everything was fine between Marco and him. Maybe, it would become fine again if he only believed strongly enough in it and tried to be a better partner for his hard working and stressed husband. When he came home from such evenings, Marco was already asleep, and the very next morning, he would complain about having to do the work all alone, seeing to Daniel while Erik partied and enjoyed himself.

“We could take turns, Marco. The next time, you'll go there and I'll stay at home,” Erik suggested at the beginning, but Marco only snorted, scornfully. “I have to be well-rested, Erik, you should already know that. Being a trainer is not as easy-going as being a footballer. If you think that you can go on like that – just do it. You will see where it will get you. I prefer to take my job seriously.”

“Of course, Marco, I'm sorry.” Erik's voice sounded as impassive as he felt in those moments, numb and cold inside like he had never felt before. He started to search for excuses to stay at home himself, not wanting to leave Daniel alone with his older father in case he would have another tantrum because his book wasn't exactly where he had put it, but maybe covered with another book or newspaper. Sitting on different couches and watching TV soon became their new habit, and when they went to bed, they fell asleep with their backs turned to each other.

If Erik had thought that Marco would show interest in him and his days again because of his new job, now that he worked for the BVB himself again, then his hope proved to be in vain rather quickly.

“Erik, you told me the same story yesterday! I really have no time for this. I know that you players from the A-team always think that you are the most important thing in the world, but I can assure you that you are not! The junior team is the future, and to teach them and make them worthy members of the A-team one day is so much more important than what you are doing, believe me. They should earn a lot more money so they could focus on training and playing only instead of having to worry about their income. You, my _beloved husband_ , earn far more money than you'd deserve,” he said mockingly, stretching the words 'beloved husband' in a way that they sounded like an insult.

Nausea welled up in Erik's stomach, and for one moment, he thought that he would lose the contents of his stomach right there and then. He swallowed down the bitter bile rising in his throat and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He only realized that he had balled his fists when the sharp sting of his nails digging into his palms made him flinch, and he took another deep breath. “You're not serious, Marco, are you?” he asked, trying to keep his own anger at bay.

“Do you really think that you are that good, Erik, honestly? In your age?” Marco folded his arms before his chest, looking at the brunet with a raised eyebrow and pursed lips, his whole posture expressing arrogance, superiority and self-righteousness.

Erik wasn't sure what he hated the most, Marco's common tantrums about each and every little thing or his coldness when he felt superior and better than his husband. He bit his lip, trying to stay calm and reasonable. Another fight wouldn't solve anything. “You thought differently about that when you still were a player yourself, Marco,” he said, but Marco only chuckled, a mocking chuckle and not a friendly one.

“This was an entirely different kind of matter, Erik. I was the captain of the team, the one shooting the goals, while you are only the...”

Erik had never felt the urge to use swear words before, and it should have been scary that he wanted to do it now, but he didn't really care about it, because Marco had also never hit him below the belt before. “...the unimportant little defender. I understand Marco,” he finished his sentence for him, turning around and making his way to the living room with shaky legs, sitting down on the couch and thanking God above that Daniel was with a friend to spend the afternoon there.

His vision was blurred and it took him a rather long time to realize that he was crying silent tears. Footsteps announced Marco's arrival in the living room, but Erik didn't look up, deeply wounded and too angry to acknowledge his husband's presence.

For a while, Marco stood in the doorway before he hesitantly came closer, sitting down beside the brunet. “I'm sorry, Erik, I didn't mean it like that. Of course, you deserve your money, you are one of the best defenders in Germany, if not in the world, it's only that my own work is at least as much important as yours,” he said, sounding humbled and truly sorry. At least that. It didn't really soothed Erik, but he was too tired and sick to argue, and he didn't object when Marco pulled him close, dabbing apologetic kisses on his hair. “I'm sorry, Erik!” he almost pleaded, and Erik sighed, defeated. “Yes, I know, Marco. You're always sorry,” he murmured against his shirt.

“Are we good again, then?” Marco peered at him from underneath his eyelashes, and Erik suppressed another sigh. The blond was never good with him again when Erik had done something wrong in his opinion, like not keeping the order Marco had set up for all of them as a strict rule, he always sulked for hours, snapping and yelling at him or ignoring him and not talking to him, at all, until Erik was ready to beg on his knees for their son's sake.

He raised his head a little bit. “Yes, of course, we are, Marco,” he said, his head spinning with dizziness. His smile didn't reach his eyes, but Marco didn't seem to notice that, he beamed at him, bending his head to kiss him, passionately. Erik didn't really feel like kissing and having sex, but he was too grateful that Marco finally seemed to be in a good mood again, and so he let himself be pulled from the couch and led into their bedroom.

The sex was heated and passionate, Marco murmuring words of love into his ears while he fucked him, and Erik let himself be carried away by their love and ardor, new hope filling his heart that everything would become right again somehow. He only had to be patient and understanding and then, Marco would realize what he did to him and their son and become his beloved Marco instead of the scary stranger he was that oftentimes once more. He just had to get used to his new life and accustomed to his new role, that was all.

When they lay there, cuddled up together and enjoying the afterglow, Erik pillowed his head on the blond's chest and Marco gently stroked his hair. “I love you, Erik.”

The brunet felt himself tense up a little bit, and for the first time since they had come together, he hesitated, because he wasn't sure what to answer to that. Did he really love Marco as much as he had always loved him? Erik knew that he loved the Marco his husband had once been. But the Marco laying beside him was still the stranger Erik didn't know and sometimes truly feared, and it felt weird and unreal when he eventually answered after a rather long pause: “I love you, too – Marco.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

The weeks after their make up sex were better again, almost back to normal, Marco didn't yell and shout as much with Daniel and him as he had done during the last couple of months, and they spent some nice weekends together, laughing and playing like in old times. Erik was grateful and happy, but he never let his cautiousness slip, thinking twice about everything he said and did.

He tried to keep the order Marco demanded, he didn't talk about his own work, even not when he was sad and frustrated about a loss and missed chances, he listened attentively to every word Marco said, praising every little success excitedly, asking him questions and admiring him in a way he had never had to admire him when they still had both played football together. Daniel had become quiet, ducking his head between his shoulders when his older father raised his voice or when he had said something that made his beloved paps frown at him.

Marco didn't yell as oftentimes as he had done for months, but he threw himself into his work and his sports even more, while he abandoned his studies, apparently not interested in them any longer.

“Why should I strain myself that much with them, now, that I already have a job?” he shrugged his shoulders when Erik asked him about his license and his distance learning, cautiously and as unobtrusive as only possible. His husband lay on the couch, scrolling through something on his tablet, not bothering to look up at him.

“But, don't you have to comply with their appointed times and the deadlines?” Erik instinctively stepped back when Marco glared at him with sudden rage. “That's none of your business, Mr. Perfect, isn't it? What do you want from me? Making sure that I'll get a heart attack so you can inherit my house and my money?” he screamed, his voice cracking. He threw his tablet away, the loud bang as it hit the wall making Erik flinch. “See what you have done?! You should really stop with that!” Marco yelled, his eyes yellow and his face pulled into an ugly grimace.

“Stop with what, Marco? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to annoy you...” Erik tried, but Marco jumped from the couch, shaking his fists and coming closer to Erik. Erik stepped back until he had reached the wall and couldn't duck him any longer. Marco followed him, invading his personal space and for one moment, Erik thought that the older one would beat him.

“If you don't want to annoy me, then just stop asking me nosy questions, Erik Durm!” he snarled. “I'm sick of your rambling and your ignorance. You have no clue about anything. Just focus on your own business and leave me alone, will you? I'm tired of your stupidity, of your inability to do something right – anything!! You don't know how to fill the dishwater machine, you don't know how to cook properly without everything getting burned or overcooked, or to use the vacuum cleaner. Just take a look around! How oftentimes did I tell you that you have to push the couch to the side? But, no, Mr. Durm always knows it better! I'll tell you what, you don't know anything! It's the same with my job! The players are too dense to comprehend what I mean, even when I show it to them, and my _'boss'_ ,” the blond stretched the word boss mockingly, “ my boss tells me that I have to explain myself better! As if it was my fault! Honestly, sometimes, I think that I am the only one being normal and still having my common sense while all the others are just mad or stupid!” His voice was cracking again, and Erik bumped his head as he tried to get away from the man he had thought he knew him. But, he didn't know this man standing before him, pushing against him with his elbow. The face of this man was suffused with hate and ire and not the face of the man who had once sworn to love him and cherish him until death would part them. Erik gazed at him desperately searching for any sign that the Marco he had known and loved so much was still somewhere inside this stranger, but there was nothing.

“Daddy, Paps? Are you fighting?” Daniel's voice broke in on the heavy silence as they stared at each other, their little son standing in the doorway in his pajama, clinging to his stuffed bunny pressed against his chest.

“What are you doing here, you little piece of shit? Go back to bed, now!” Was that really the voice of his husband? This high-pitched screaming noise? Erik tried to push Marco aside and go to their scared son standing there frozen in place, but Marco pressed his arm against his chest and kept him trapped between his body and the wall. “Don't you dare, Erik Durm! Your son will learn to obey and do as he's been told!” the blond growled low into his ear before focusing on the little boy again.

“I told you to go back to bed, Daniel! Now. You will regret it if you don't, I promise you!” The voice of the stranger was quiet now, dangerously quiet, and somehow, the quietness was much more scaring than the yelling had been.

Tears were streaming over Daniel's face as he stepped back, nodding his head. “Yes, Paps.” He shot Erik a broken glance with pleading eyes, and Erik felt breaking something inside him, as well, as he watched their baby, their sweet little son disappearing in the corridor with his head lowered down to the ground and his shoulders shaking with his sobs.

“Go away from me, Marco. Don't you dare touching me again,” Erik said, his voice as quiet as Marco's had been when Daniel was out of sight. Marco let go of him, but he narrowed his eyes. “I tell you something, as well, Erik. If you dare going after this little bugger, then I will pack my things and never come back. You have to choose between him and me.”

Erik didn't feel anything as he pushed Marco to the side to run after their crying son. “Fuck off, Reus, just do what you think that you have to do.”

He headed out of the living room, following the sounds of the heartbroken sobs coming out of Daniel's room, and he didn't shoot one last glance back.


	2. Love Is A Battlefield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daily life has become a battlefield, but it's the little things making their life that hard, the small, not really important things causing endless fights and battles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for giving this story a try. <3

_'It's the little things,'_ Erik thought the next morning when he sat at their kitchen table together with his best friend Matze. _'It's always the little things.'_ The brunet remembered very well the day about three months ago when he had been involved in a car crash. It hadn't been his fault, at all, and luckily, nothing had happened to him, but he had sat on the couch, stiff and scared, waiting for Marco to come home so he could tell him about their damaged car. Of course, they had three cars and the Audi could be repaired, easily, but Erik feared his husband's reaction, nevertheless.

When Marco had finally come home, looking tired, he had stumbled his way through his apologies and his desperate explanation, his hands clenched in his lap to keep them from shaking. Marco had listened to him, quietly, before taking him in his arms, whispering soothing words of love into his ears and rocking him. “The only important thing is that you are well and uninjured. I'm so glad that nothing happened to you, love,” he had said, pulling him in his lap. “I don't care about the car, only about Dani and you.” Erik had tasted the saltiness on his own lips when they had shared ardent kisses, not sure whether his tears were tears of gratitude and happiness or tears of fear and sorrow.

 Marco had never held this car crash against him ever since then, but he freaked out every time a spoon wasn't placed in their dishwater machine like he thought it would be the right way to put it in there - namely _his_ way, screaming and yelling for almost half an hour at him and telling him again and again how stupid he was and that Erik did nothing right. His husband got upset about the way Erik folded his t-shirts after ironing them, and he screamed at Daniel when their son didn't clean the sink after brushing his teeth properly, shouting a long sermon and telling him what a dense and clumsy little bugger he was. He went mad over things like a book lying in the book-shelf instead of standing upright, and every time they were in the same car with Erik as the driver, Marco told the younger one that he was even too dense to drive. When Marco was the driver, he complained about having to drive himself, but when Erik offered him to sit down behind the wheel, he only snorted, telling him in a strict voice that he preferred to arrive at their goal alive and uninjured. The entire drive, he would swear about the assholes in the other cars not deserving to have a driver license, making Daniel's and Erik's ears ring because of his shouting in the closed and rather small car interior.

 No, it wasn't the 'big' things like a car crash, an important game Erik's team had lost or Daniel's badly bruised knee when he had fallen from his bike because of another boy tearing at his jacket. It was always the little things that made the blond flip out, like the innocent and worried question of their sweet son the previous evening.

 Erik had stayed with Daniel, watching the boy's fitful slumber curled up in his small bed with him when Daniel had finally calmed down after crying his heart out for almost one hour. “Daddy why does Paps hate me that much? What have I done wrong?” he had sobbed, and Erik's heart had ached with every sob and every pleading question. “Your paps doesn't hate you, baby,” he had whispered, his voice hoarse from his with unshed tears hurting throat. “He's just having bad days.”

“Daddy, when will Paps have good days again?” Daniel had murmured before he had fallen asleep, and Erik had pulled him close and pressed a kiss onto his hair. “Soon, baby, I promise you,” he had answered, his heart heavy because of that obvious lie, one of the many, many lies he had told his son to protect and console him. Erik had hated himself for lying to his son, something he had never wanted to do, but Marco's behavior left him no other choice.

 When their son had fallen asleep, Erik had lain there, his head throbbing with unbearable pain and his eyelids stinging with exhaustion, but he hadn't been able to fall asleep and stayed awake the whole night, his thoughts racing and his stomach clenching with nausea.

 When he had gotten up to make breakfast for Daniel before accompanying him to school, Marco had been gone, the doors of his wardrobe standing wide open and several clothes spread out carelessly all over their bed. There had been nothing, not one single letter scribbled onto a sheet of paper, and his phone went straight to the voice-mail.

 Erik had been torn between relief and deep worry, his fingers trembling so much that he had broken a glass and cut his hand on it. Daniel had watched him with a pale face, nibbling on his slice of bread before blurting out: “Daddy, where is Paps? Is he still mad at me?”

 Erik had smiled at him while dressing his hand with a bandage, hoping that his smile didn't look like a grimace. “No, Dani, Paps isn't mad at you. If anything, he's mad at me. I'm sure that he has gone to work early or that he is out to run a little bit.” Daniel hadn't looked convinced, but gratefully said nothing to the next obvious lie his younger father had told him.

 Erik had called Matze before he had brought Daniel to his school, and now they sat there together, his friend waiting patiently for him to tell him what had happened, his eyes attentive, and his smile understanding and calming. “It's okay, Erik, just take your time. I'm here and I won't go anywhere. We have the day off, and you don't have to go through this alone. You have friends, you know that, don't you?”

 Erik's smile was teary but grateful as he looked at the younger man who was his best friend for more than ten years now. He enclosed his mug with the steaming brew with both hands to warm them and keep them from shaking. “Yes, I know, Matze, thank you,” he said in a raspy voice, taking a sip from his coffee. His head still hurt, but with Matze by his side, he felt a little bit better.

 The young footballer who had fallen in love with his other half and lived now with a stranger took a deep breath and then, started to talk.

 

*~*~*~*

 

“Marco doesn't hate you, Erik. He loves you. But, he's suffering from a severe depression and needs medical help and a therapy.”

 Matze had listened to him, quietly and without interrupting him, his eyes fixed on the pale face of his older friend. Now, he took his cold hand between his own warm ones, squeezing it, gently. Erik stared at him, opening his mouth just to close it again. “Depression?” he finally croaked out. “But, this can't be! I mean, he's angry all of the time, not sad or silent. There is so much fury in him, so much ire, rage and anger, I didn't know that he could ever be like that, becoming a complete stranger, someone who's only shouting and screaming about everything and nothing. You should see him when he has one of his tantrums, Matze. His eyes are shooting fire then, and his face... he looks like a somebody I'ver never seen before, someone I don't recognize, at all.”

 Matze nodded his head. “Yes, I know, Erik. But, those tantrums are one of the most common symptoms of male depressions. Marco don't want to behave like that, but he can't control them. They carry him away with their force and there's nothing he can do against it. He's always sorry afterwards, isn't he?”

 Erik swallowed, remembering the many, many times when his husband had literally crawled back to him, begging him to forgive him just one more time, only to scream once more if Erik didn't smile at him right away and assured him, instantly, that everything was fine again. The brunet normally behaved as if everything was fine when Marco said that he was sorry, just to avoid another fit of rage and protect Daniel from being yelled at, too.

 “Yes, he is. But, it doesn't keep him from screaming right away again after half an hour or so. I'm so tired of it, Matze. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. And Daniel...” his voice broke and one single tear dropped down into his mug.

 “Yes, I know, Erik. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Marco needs help, he won't make it alone. His depression is too severe. Do you still love him?” His friend asked, quietly, and another tear fell down onto the table, shimmering like a pearl in the sunlight shining through the window. Erik stabbed with his finger into the tiny puddle, smearing it over the table. “I still love the Marco he has once been, and I crave to find him again. But this Marco is gone, erased by the stranger who has taken over his body. I'm not sure if I still love the man he has become, Matze. The man with the grimace full of hate and the furious, yellow eyes. The stranger who looks at me as if he wanted to beat me, as if he hated me more than anything else.”

 “He doesn't hate you, Erik. He hates himself, his feeling of being worthless and useless after his retirement, his fears that he won't be able to live without football, to be someone – _anyone_ \- without football. Marco has always defined himself over his profession as a player, and now, he has to define himself again, something that was too hard to deal with. I know how much you suffer, you and Daniel, believe me, but, Marco needs you more than ever right now. You are the only one who can convince him to seek and accept professional help, Erik. It will be hard work, but I do believe that you can do that.”

 Erik chewed on his lip. “I'm not sure that I can do that, Matze. Honestly, I feel like being at war the entire time. My life has become a constant battlefield on every single damn day, and I am grateful for every peaceful moment, no matter how short it might be. Daniel and I are walking on eggshells all of the time, thinking about everything we want to say at least twice before saying it. I lie awake at night, fearing the next day and what will go wrong and make Marco shout again. Telling Marco that he suffers from a severe depression and that he needs professional help will only lead to more battles and fights and I'm so sick and tired of fighting and arguing.”

 “Yes, I know, Erik. But, this fight will be worth it if you still love him. Worthy not only for Marco, but also for you and Daniel. You are a family, Erik, and I can see in your eyes that you still love him, even though you might not be sure about that at this point,” Matze said and Erik sighed. He hadn't been sure about his feelings, lately, but in this moment, he knew that Matze was right. “You're right with that, Matze, as always. How come that you know so much about depression, especially male depression? Have you been depressive yourself?”

 Matze shook his head. “No, Erik, I never was. But, my favorite uncle has suffered from a severe depression for a long time. It was the same like it is with Marco. He was such a gentle and kind man, loving his wife and his children, dearly, but when he lost his job, he started to withdraw and question everything. He freaked out about unimportant little things and yelled and shouted the entire time with his family. With others, he tried to behave normal, pretending that he was fine and calm, and it took us a rather long time until we had found out what was going on. He was perfect in pretending and behaving as if nothing was wrong, smiling and laughing when we met his family or when he was out. He didn't know what was wrong with him, and none of us thought about depression, either, because he didn't show the 'typical' signs that clearly. Yes, he had dark thoughts and times when he didn't want to leave the couch, but most of the times, he busied himself with things like someone almost being obsessed, starting to work in the garden and in the house from sunrise to dawn, because he didn't want to have time to think too much. Only that he gave up the things he had started pretty soon again, starting something new and so on. He became self-centered and overbearing, not accepting any opinion different from his own. The symptoms of male depressions weren't really delved, back then, everybody thinking that women and men suffer the same way. You are a man yourself, Erik, you know how hard it is for us men to talk about feelings. Marco definitely has dark and sad thoughts, bad dreams and sleepless nights, he feels lonely, numb and hopeless, but he can't talk about that, not wanting to be 'weak'. It might sound weird, but he wants to be strong for Dani and you, to protect you from those dark moments when all he can think of is that life isn't worth living any longer.”

 “With yelling and shouting at us, calling us bad names and beating us down with words?” Erik asked, but his voice sounded more exhausted than angry.

 “Depression isn't reasonable, Erik.”

 For a while, they sat there in silence as Matze gave his friend the time to digest what he had just heard. Erik pulled at a thread hanging from the sleeve of his sweatshirt, and a new bout of nausea threatened to overcome him when he thought of what Marco could try to do in this very moment. He sprang up from his chair. “I need to know where he is, Matze! If he is still alive! I – I need to find him!” he cried out, his trembling fingers searching desperately for his phone. Matze watched him dial the speed dialing with frantic movements.

 “Still the voice mail, what shall I do, Matze?” the brunet sobbed, flopping down on his chair again, unable to keep himself upright any longer. “Where can he be? I need to know where he is, I need him, I, I love him...” Erik's voice broke and he buried his face in his arms on the table, starting to cry with loud sobs.

 Matze stroked his hair, silently, and Erik was vaguely aware that his friend took his own phone, dialing a number. “Hey, Marcel, here is Matze. Is Marco with you? No? Yes, has spent the night at your place, thank you, Marcel. Yes, I'm with Erik. Marco is on his way back and he's sorry? Thank you, Marcel, I'll tell him. Yes, I know, thank you, bye.”

 Erik's head snapped up, and he stared at his friend. “Marco's alright? He's coming back?” Tears were still streaming over his face and his eyes were red from his crying, but he felt much better now that he knew that his husband, the man he had sworn to stand by his side in good and in bad times, was alive and healthy.

Matze nodded his head, smiling reassuringly at him. “Yes, he is. He stayed at Marcel's place to calm down after realizing what he had done to Dani and you. But, you really need to talk to him, you can't go on like that, none of you.”

 “Yes, I know, Matze. I only don't know how to do it,” Erik whispered, leaning against his best friend who had knelt down beside his chair. “You're not alone, Erik, you have me and your families and friends. You don't have to go through this all alone.”

 “Thank you, Matze, you're a true friend. What would I do without you?” the older one asked a rhetorical question. “You're strong, Erik. We could take Daniel at the weekend,” the taller brunet suggested. “Lukas would be excited and Marco and you could spend some quality time together and talk.”

 “This would be great, I'm sure that Dani will be excited, as well. He really shouldn't be around when we talk about that.” Erik wiped his eyes with the ball of his hands and blew his nose with the paper tissue Matze handed him.

 “I'm so tired of fighting and battling all of the time, Matze. I want my Marco back, the one who laughed with us and was so tender. I don't want to see this stranger in his face anymore.”

“Yes, Erik, I understand you, believe me. But, this will take some time, a rather long time.”

Erik nodded, thoughtfully, “I know, Matze. But now that I know what it is that changed Marco so much, I also know what we have to fight against. We will fight together against his depression, Marco and I!” he stated, his face grim with determination. In the next moment, both of them heard the sound of a key unlocking the front door and then footsteps in the hallway.

 Marco had come back to him.

 


	3. Please, Forgive Me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco comes home after their huge quarrel, telling Erik that he is sorry. He's always sorry after his tantrums, but how much longer will Erik be able to forgive him? Will the knowledge that Marco suffers from a severe depression help him to understand his husband better?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When a grown-up man suffers from a depression, the friends and the not so close family are oftentimes the last ones to realize what's wrong. This might sound strange, but that's how it is. The depressed ones will show a smiling face when they visit their friends, parents or siblings, pretending to enjoy themselves and pulling themselves together with greatest effort to not let anybody see behind their mask. They will do their best to stay professional and calm at work even when they think that they are the only ones working properly. The closest family like the wife/husband and the children will have to endure their frustration afterwards, being the ones getting all the anger and the hate about their raging emotions. But neither the depressed man, nor his closest family will talk about that, too ashamed and afraid to do that, especially when the men are in the public eye, like politicians, actors or sportsmen.
> 
> This story focuses on the suffering of the beloved ones of a depressive man, but I'll do my very best to show how much the sick one suffers, as well. This is not a story to blame anyone, it is an attempt to give those a voice who struggle every day, worrying about their beloved ones suffering so much, fighting with them and loving them, no matter how hard it is to love someone who has turned into a completely different person.  
> Your feedback would mean the world to me. <333

_'Marco is home again! He really came back to us!'_ was all Erik could think, sitting on his chair like someone frozen in place for one moment. But then, he sprang up from his stool, rushing in the direction of the hall way just in time to see Marco shrugging out of his jacket with slow and tired movements. When the blond heard the sounds of footsteps coming closer, he let his bag fall down to the ground, stopping the middle of what he had been doing. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was pale, the blond three days stubble building a sharp contrast to his almost snow-white skin. Another one of the many little things showing the change in Marco so clearly if anybody only looked more closely at him. His husband didn't shave as regular as he had done it before his retirement, not really caring about his own appearance or if he scratched Erik's or Dani's skin with his stubble when he kissed them – which happened only rare times lately. He always said that he didn't have to be that careful any longer, because the media and the publicity didn't focus on him that much after his retirement, but Erik thought now that it simply had been too much of an effort, something Marco couldn't handle in his depressed state anymore.

But, for Erik, he had never looked more beautiful as he looked right now, exhausted, unshaven, dressed with an old sweatshirt and sick, surrounded by an aura of hopelessness and melancholy, but at least healthy and unharmed, which was the most important thing at the moment. He didn't lie under a bridge with shattered bones or in a hospital bed with tubes and pipes sticking overall in his damaged body, and Erik almost flew against him, wrapping his arms around Marco's stiff back and burying his face on his shoulder. He had been so angry and hurt, thinking that he could never ever forgive his husband what he had done to him and most of all, to their little son, but Matze's explanation had changed everything.

Marco was his husband, the man he loved, and Erik had promised to stand beside him in health and sickness, to go with him through thick and thin and to never leave him alone. The older man needed him and his strength more than ever, depending on the love and care of his little family and his friends to help him through this and Erik wouldn't let him down, no matter how much the stranger Marco turned into more and more oftentimes might scare the hell out of him.

“You're back, oh God, you're back! Marco!!” he sobbed into Marco's shirt, clinging to the blond's slim frame for dare life. For one long moment, his husband just stood there, his arms hanging down at his sides, weakly, while his body was stiff as a poker, but after one or two minutes that felt like an eternity to Erik, he slowly lifted his arms to wrap them carefully around Erik's waist, his only halfway undressed jacket hanging under his shoulder-blades this way. He leaned against the younger one with his cheek resting on Erik's right shoulder, and the exhaustion radiating from him was overwhelming. Erik hadn't known that anybody could be that exhausted and tired, tired of life itself, and he couldn't believe that he hadn't noticed all of these signs earlier, that he had been to blind to see how much the man he loved more than he had ever loved anybody except for their son suffered. But, Marco had never looked as tired and sad as he did now, his rage and ire eating him alive covering any other symptom, and Erik simply hadn't known much about male depression before his talk with Matze. He had thought that the symptoms would be just sadness and crying, or the oftentimes mentioned physical problems like backache, tinnitus, headache or problems with the stomach, things Marco had never voiced so far, at least not more than only two or three times during the last months.

Of course, he had heard about other players or trainers announcing in the media that they had to take a long time off from their work because of the Burn-Out-Syndrome, a nicer description for the hated word depression. Burn-Out-Syndrome had the sound of hard work and sacrificing oneself, of higher ranks in jobs and importance, while depression just sounded like the nasty and horrible disease it actually was. The players and trainers talking in public about their problems of course never said anything about their common and terrible tantrums about everything and nothing, or the injustice they treated their beloved ones with, they only talked about their exhaustion and their own, sad and depressed feelings. It wasn't as if Erik couldn't understand them, though. If he was honest with himself, then he really didn't know if he would be able to stand or sit before a microphone and say out loud:

_“When I come home after work, I yell at my wife/husband every single damn evening and weekend. Sometimes I do so because she/he has folded my shirts the wrong way after ironing them for me, and sometimes, I shout with her/him, because she/he has covered my newspaper with her/his magazine. I tell her/him that she/he has bought the wrong cheese, and that she/he is too dense for every little thing. After that, I scream with my children and call them stupid buggers because they have broken a glass when I yelled at my wife/husband, telling her/him that she/he can't do anything right. When I come home after work, all I gift my family always standing by my side with is fury, reproaches and hate, while I smile at strangers, my colleagues and friends, behaving as if everything was perfectly fine, even when they have been the ones annoying me with what they did. But, I won't scream with them, at least not as much, only with my closest family, because I know that the others would judge and hate me and yell back at me, leave me alone and break up their friendship with me or fire me. I scream and yell at my beloved ones because there is the tiniest hope that they will still love me and stand by my side, forgive me my unforgivable behavior when I turn into that ugly stranger, this horrible monster I don't want to be. I shout with them because I can't do anything against this rage and fury deep inside me, overwhelming me and turning me into a stranger until I don't know who I really am myself any longer. My screams of rage are actually screams for help, but no one seems to hear them,”_

in the knowledge that millions of watchers sitting before the TV-screen heard his words, judging him because of what he had just admitted and turning their backs on him after his confession. Which man would do something like that when he was helpless and needed support and sympathy more than anything else? No one Erik knew. Of course, it would have been the right thing to do to confess not only one's own misery, but the misery and suffering of the families, as well, but Erik couldn't really blame them.

It was only that the view on things among the publicity when it came to male depression wasn't the right one because of that, and that was one of the reasons why Erik hadn't realized that Marco had developed a severe depression over the past months.

The brunet pushed these thoughts aside while he held Marco close, stroking his tousled, lifeless hair and his trembling back. “You're back, love. I was so worried about you. Please, don't do that again. Don't leave us, we love you.”

Marco finally relaxed by his words, gratefully, letting out a sigh that sounded like a sob. But, when he drew back to look at Erik, his red eyes were dry. _'Maybe, if he could cry instead of locking his feelings away, he would feel better,'_ the younger man though, smiling shakily at the blond. Marco hadn't cried since his retirement, not one single time, at least not when Erik and Daniel had been with him. His face had become a mask, displaying only annoyance and anger – or displaying nothing at all. Maybe, this was the reason for all this hate and anger, that he couldn't really cry. Boys were told from an early age on that tough boys didn't cry, that crying was a girls' thing. Maybe, this was one of the reasons why men suffered almost unnoticed at first before their changed behavior became too obvious. Their raging was their way to scream for help.

“How can you say that, Erik?” Marco asked, his features a grimace of sorrow, self-hate and deep regret instead of anger and hate now. “I'm a horrible person. I don't know what had gotten into me! How could I yell at our sweet son this way? I'm so sorry, Erik, so sorry. Please, you must believe me, I'm so, so sorry!”

“I know, love, believe me, I know that.” Erik leaned in to kiss him, but Marco pulled back, turning his head away with embarrassment. “I stink. I didn't brush my teeth,” he mumbled, but Erik shook his head. “I don't care, love. You kissed me when I had had this nasty bug last year, and I don't care about brushed teeth. All I care about is you and that you came back to us.”

Marco sighed again, but he wrapped his arms around him again and returned the tender kiss without further objection. Erik stroked his cold cheek. “Did you eat something?” he asked, worried, noticing the hollowness of his features. There were lines around Marco's eyes and his mouth that hadn't been there a couple of weeks ago.

“No, I wasn't hungry. How – how is Dani? He hates me, doesn't he?” the blond hesitantly inquired, eventually having found the courage to speak out their son's name.

“No, love, Dani doesn't hate you. He loves you, you are his beloved Paps and nothing will ever change that. He is sad and confused, but our wonderful son could never hate you.” Erik smiled at him, taking his hand and gently guiding him to the kitchen. He flinched when he saw Matze sitting relaxed at the table where he had left him, he had completely forgotten that his friend was still there. For one moment, he tensed up, fearing that Marco would be angry with him that he had talked to his best friend and told him about their argument. His husband wasn't stupid, he of course would realize the reason behind Matze's visit.

The tall brunet watched them, attentively, gifting Marco with a friendly and honest smile. “Hello Marco,” he greeted his former teammate, and Marco nodded in his direction with the faintest hint of a smile. “Hello Matze. Thank you for staying with Erik, I'm glad that he had someone to talk to.”

Matze stood up, briefly patting the slumped shoulder of the older man. “That's what friends are for, Marco. You have a lot of friends to talk to, as well, you know that, don't you? We all care about you. That didn't change and your retirement has nothing to do with our friendship.”

Marco chewed at his lip, staring into the mug Erik had placed before him. It was clear that he avoided Matze's eyes, but the younger brunet didn't seem to mind that. “Yes, I know, Matze, but it is hard. The last months haven't been easy for me – for us.”

“Take your time, Marco, we will be there for you whenever you'll be ready to talk. Erik please stay where you are, I know where the exit is. We'll call you to fix our weekend with Dani.” He laid his hand on Erik's shoulder and Erik squeezed his hand with a smile. “Yes, thank you, Matze. Dani will be happy. It has been a long time since he has last played with Lukas.”

He watched his friend leaving the kitchen, flinching when Marco let out a growl, his eyes narrowed with new anger. “Do you want to keep Dani away from me?” the blond accused him, and Erik unconsciously balled his fists, his heart suddenly racing with the fear of another argument. He wouldn't stand it, not today, not after what had happened the previous night. He really deserved one day of peace and silence, didn't he? When he realized what he was doing, he unclenched his hands and took several deep breaths before sitting down beside Marco. He was the reasonable, he had to stay calm for their both's sake. Erik took Marco's hand in his own, looking at him.

“No, Marco, I don't want to keep Dani away from you. But, we need to talk about a few things, and Matze suggested that we could let Dani stay with Lukas for the weekend. We would have three days off, we could make a short trip and be just Marco and Erik for a while. What do you think? I missed you, and spending some quality time just with you would be nice.” He lay all the love he felt for him in his voice, tenderly stroking his cold fingers.

Marco's smile reached his eyes for the first time in weeks. “Yes, that would be wonderful, Erik, just you and me like it was at the beginning when we came together. We could visit the Pfälzer Wald? Do you still remember our first kiss?”

Relief washed over Erik in a strong wave, and he had to blink against new tears welling up in his eyes, tears of joy because the man now looking at him wasn't the ugly stranger, but only his beloved Marco, the wonderful mate he had been before his disease.

“Of course, I do! How could I forget our first kiss? There had been a thunderstorm just when we wanted to climb the steep path leading to Castle Trifels. You groused because you were wet from head to toe, and we sought shelter under a big tree. You looked so funny with your quiff hanging in your forehead and the rain pouring over your face, and when I started to laugh, you shut me up with a kiss.”

“Yes, I did. This kiss was worth everything, the thunderstorm, the wet shoes and clothes and the steep path. No one was there when we finally arrived in the castle, and on the top of the tower, I kissed you again while the sun dried us with its warm, golden rays.”

Both chuckled by the memory, smiling at each other and Erik's heart made a flip like it has done back then when they had visited the proud castle.

“It was sooo romantic!” Finally, Erik became serious again and leaned against Marco's shoulder, peering at him from underneath his eyelashes. Marco looked back, reaching out with his hand to stroke his cheek. “Can you forgive me what I did yesterday? I know that it is actually unforgivable, but please, forgive me, Erik,” he asked, his voice trembling.

Erik kissed him. “Of course, I forgive you. I know that you haven't been your true self, yesterday. But, we really need to talk, Marco.”

Marco nodded his head, his gaze becoming sad again. “Yes, I know, Erik. But, can we please talk after our weekend? Can we please just be Marco and Erik for a few days? Please?” His amber-golden eyes begged him to agree to his request, and the younger one felt his determination to make Marco realize that he needed medical help as soon as possible melt away. He simply couldn't do this to his husband, not when he was looking at him like this. He looked so young and lost all of a sudden, and maybe, having a couple of carefree days before their talk wasn't such a bad idea. They both needed some time to recover from the horrible nightmare that had happened the previous evening, only that the nightmare was still reality this morning. Yes, Marco had come back, and Erik could tell that he was truly sorry, but they were both still hurt and aching, and taking some time off from their daily problems was too tempting to ignore this opportunity offering itself to them.

Erik knew that he shouldn't agree to Marco's plea, Matze's words swirling in his head, but he felt as exhausted and tired as Marco felt, and he really needed a carefree weekend himself. “Yes, we can, Marco. Just you and me and the castles of the Pfälzer Wald, okay?”

Marco relaxed. “Okay, that sounds great. I love you, Erik.”

Erik swallowed. “Yes, Marco, I know. I love you, too.”


	4. Family Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco has come back and apologized to Erik. Will they have at least one peaceful day or will the fighting go on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not all days are bad, there are good times in between, some breathers and days filling the depressed ones and their families with new hope. 
> 
> My dear readers, I try to write this story as realisitic as possible. Not all days are bad and only fights, and there are good times that can last over days and weeks, but the bad days will come back if the one suffering from a depression doesn't get medical help. There are ups and downs, and life becomes an emotional roller coaster, but as long as there is still love, there is also hope.
> 
> This chapter is about the good times.

They sat in the kitchen for a while, drinking the tea Erik had brewed for them because coffee would only have increased their restless state, and this was nothing either of them needed right now. Marco stared in his mug, avoiding Erik's gaze, but he wouldn't let go of the brunet's hand, squeezing it that tightly that Erik's fingers started to hurt. He didn't try to pull back though, too grateful that his husband was still able to squeeze his hand. He grabbed his own mug with his left hand, and when Marco noticed the bandage around his palm that had soaked light red, he frowned.

“What did you do there, love?” he asked, his voice not quite as exhausted as it had been but still tired.

“Nothing bad, babe, only cut the ball of my hand. I was stupid and didn't pay attention,” Erik tried to downplay it, but Marco sighed with regret and resignation. “No, you weren't stupid. It is all my fault. I upset you that much that you cut your hand.” He reached out to take Erik's left hand, lifting it to his mouth and pressing it against his lips to ease his beloved one's pain with kisses. “I'm so sorry, Erik.” His voice cracked, but his eyes were still dry when he looked up at his husband.

Erik's heart clenched by all the misery displaying on the older man's face. “I know that, Marco. Please, don't blame yourself that much. I should have been more careful with what I've said, too. I know that it is pretty hard for you at the moment. I shouldn't have bothered you with your distance learning. It is my fault, as well.”

Marco closed his eyes. “No, you were right, Erik. There are deadlines and I know that. I only pushed it away again and again, thinking that I would do it the next day, and when the next day came, I told myself the same, namely that I would for certain start the following day and so on. It's only that I don't seem to have enough energy to actually do it anymore. I feel so tired the entire day, every little thing is almost too much of an effort. Standing up in the morning, showering, shaving eating, learning... just everything. Working as a trainer is somehow more straining than our training as players has ever been, and this even though I only stand at the sideline! I don't need to run and to do the exercises, but I am much groggier than the players of my team are after a straining three-hours-session. I think I'm getting old...”

Erik swallowed. Of course, he had suspected something like that, but to hear it coming out of his beloved husband's mouth, to listen to his hopeless words, almost broke his heart, and this although Marco hadn't sounded as if he wanted to complain or whine about his life. His explanation had been a simple statement, uttered as a matter of fact without any emotion. “No, you're not getting old, babe. Being a trainer is much more straining than being a player, just think of all the responsibility you have, the knowledge about every player of your team and about the other teams, the foresight you must have and so on. You're doing great, your team is much more successful since you became their co-trainer.”

This pulled a small, grateful smile from the blond. “Do you really believe that, Erik?” he asked, hopefully. It was true, the A-team had won all of their last matches, but Erik would have even lied to make his beloved one feel better in this moment, something he would never have done as long as Marco had still been an active player. “Of course, Marco! Just look which team is on top of the list! It's yours, and I know that this goes all to your credit. They look up at you, you are their role model when it comes to become a good footballer!”

“Thank you, Erik.” Marco's voice was only a hoarse whisper, but it was enough and his words came from the bottom of his heart, that was clearly audible. The older one's eyes were even redder than they had been, and Erik's own headache had come back due to his own sleepless night. “What do you think about lying down for a while, Marco? I could do with some rest, and I want to feel you. You only have to be on the pitch at 15:00 o'clock, don't you?”

Marco nodded his head. “Yes, I have to be there from 15:00 o'clock to 17:00 o'clock.”

“What do you think about Dani and me picking you up after your work? We could spend some time in the park and play mini-golf? And maybe have a pizza afterwards?” Erik suggested, holding his breath as he waited for Marco's answer. _'Please, don't let him get angry, please, don't let him freak out and yell at me again!'_ he pleaded in his mind, but for once, his worries were ungrounded, because Marco smiled at him with something akin to real joy.

“That's a wonderful idea. Some family time would be great, Erik. We could visit Luigi again, we haven't been there for a rather long time. And mini-golf sounds like fun.”

Erik beamed at him with relief and happiness. “Dani will be excited.” He stood up, offering his hand to his husband. “You look exhausted, babe. Come on, let's lie down for a couple of hours.”

Marco stood up with slow and awkward movements reminding Erik of the movements of an old man, but he was smiling, and this was all Erik cared about at the moment. He took Marco's hand and guided him to their bedroom, and the older one let him take the lead and followed him with his arm wrapped around his waist from behind and his head resting on Erik's shoulder.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Erik's inner clock woke him up in time to make it just in time to Daniel's school. The young father decided to take a walk instead of driving there with his car, hoping that the fresh air and the warm rays of the spring sun would make the last remains of his headache and his exhaustion fade away. Marco was still sound asleep when he carefully uncurled himself from his embrace, and Erik was deeply grateful for that. He stroked the from his deep sleep warm cheek with tender fingertips, glad that his other half wasn't as pale as he had been in the morning any longer. The lines were still there around his eyes and his mouth, but they had softened during the last few hours, and Erik managed to get out of the bed that had felt like their bed for the first time in months without waking Marco up. During the last months, they had fallen asleep with their backs turned to each other, and sex had happened only on rare occasions, but after their short talk in the morning, Marco had snuggled close to Erik's back as his big spoon like they had preferred to sleep before Marco had become sick.

“I love you, babe,” Erik whispered, standing in the doorway and looking back at him with all the love he felt for his husband smoothing out the lines in his own face. After one or two minutes, he silently closed the door to pick up their sweet son from school and bring him back to his beloved paps, assuring himself that the short note he had left on his pillow for Marco was still in place with one last glance, and when he was gone, the soft breeze of the kiss he had blown through the air grazed gently over Marco's lips, making him smile in his sleep.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Dani had talked excitedly the entire way back from school after his younger father had told him that his paps would wait for him at home. Erik hadn't dared to tell him about their plans, too worried that Marco would change his mind and refuse to stick to their date after thinking more closely about it again. It had happened too often that Marco had agreed to going out or play with them just to cancel it or change their plans in the very last minute, and Erik didn't want to see the disappointment on his son's face. He had only told the young boy that Marco had come home and was taking some rest, and Dani's happy smile had almost made him cry.

“Will Paps really be there when I come home, Daddy?” he asked for at least tenth time, gazing up at him with big eyes, and Erik tenderly ruffled his thick, wavy light-brown hair. “Of course, Dani. He was sound asleep when I left him, I'm sure that he's still sleeping. We have to be quiet to not wake him up, darling.”

“But, I can tell him about my good grade when he's awake again, can't I?” the boy asked, uncertainly, craving to tell his other father about the A he had gotten in his first maths test.  
“You bet that you can do that. Paps will be so proud of you!” Erik smiled, turning the key in the lock of the front door and laying his finger on his lips. “Ssshhh, be quiet!” he murmured, and Dani followed him inside the house on his toes.

They undressed their jackets as quietly as possible and washed their hands in the guest-restroom, but when they reached the kitchen door, Erik stopped in surprise, watching the scene in front of him with fascination and held breath.

Marco must have woken up shortly after him, because Erik could see that he had showered and shaven, and the sight of his still so beautiful husband standing before the stove, busied with preparing lunch almost overwhelmed him. Marco wore a simple white tee and washed out blue jeans, and he was actually humming the melody of the song playing in the radio attached to the wall while he chopped onions for his special tomato-sauce. A few strands of his still slightly damp quiff had fallen into his forehead, but he had obviously taken his time to arrange his hair in its usual way, and his movements were firm and showed his revived spirits.

A hot wave of burning desire shot through Erik, leaving him tingling all over and breathless, and all he could think of for one moment was that he loved this astonishing being more than anything and that he wanted to drag him to their bedroom and make love to him for the rest of the day.

The innocent, whispering voice of his son pulled him harshly out of his lustful haze. “Daddy! Paps is awake! Can I say hello to him now?”

Erik blinked and his cheeks flushed as he pulled at the hem of his sweatshirt to cover the inappropriate reaction of his sex-starved body and hide it from their six-years-old son. “Yes, but you must be careful, Dani, your father has a knife in his hand.”

A knife.

Erik felt goosebumps forming on his back by the cold shiver running down his spine all of a sudden, erasing each spark of desire within an instant.

Knife. Sharp. Depression.

These three words was all he needed to get his libido back under control, and the desperate thought of how long it would take until he wouldn't freak out any longer when he saw Marco holding a knife in his hand let bitter bile rise in his throat.

Erik swallowed, balling his fists.

_'He's only chopping onions. He's cooking for us, he doesn't want to kill himself with the knife... He doesn't want to kill Dani and me with the knife....'_

His vision blurred, and the brunet flinched, violently, when Dani spoke up again after the song had ended and there was a short pause before the next song started to play.

“Hello Paps.” To Erik's utter relief, Dani had even waited until Marco had put the knife back onto the counter to fry the onions, something Marco and he himself had taught their son from an early age on.

_'Don't startle someone holding a sharp knife or scissor!'_

He had thought that Daniel would storm into his older father's arms, but their son hesitated, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. It was clear that he was afraid of his father's reaction, and as Marco now turned around to them, Erik could see that his husband had noticed their son's fear, as well.

“Dani!!!” The blond knelt down, opening his arms, and after one more second, Dani stormed forward, throwing himself into Marco's embrace and wrapping his own arms around his neck. “I'm sorry Paps! Please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be bad. I won't do it again, I promise you...” he pleaded, but Marco shook his head, dabbing kisses all over Dani's tousled hair. His hands stroked the slim back of their son, and Erik pressed his fist against his mouth to keep himself from crying as he watched the heartbreaking scene, the self-hate, deep regret and unquestioning love for their child so clear to see on Marco's handsome features letting tears well up in his eyes.

“No, baby, oh no, don't say that. You weren't bad, at all. I was bad and wrong, only I and no one else. I'm so sorry, Dani-boy, so sorry. I love you, baby. You're my sweet boy and I'm so sorry for everything!”

Dani crawled in his lap and Marco lost his balance, but they both snickered and his blond father simply sat down on the floor with the boy on his knees, rocking him. Dani's happy smile could only be called overjoyed when he looked at his paps. “Are you good with me again, Paps?” he asked, and Marco kissed him on his nose. “The question is whether or not you will be good with me again, Dani,” he said, sincerely, and the boy vigorously nodded his head. “Of course, Paps. Daddy told me that you had a bad day yesterday because you were exhausted. That's okay. Everyone has a bad day now and then,” Dani told him with a serious expression, chewing on his lip before he asked, subdued: “Today is a good day, isn't it, Paps?”

Marco kissed him again. “Yes, baby. Today is a good day.” He was about to say more when Dani suddenly sniffed the air. “Urgh, it stinks!”

“Shit, the onions!” Marco put Dani back onto his feet and sprang up to rush to the stove. Erik followed him, afraid that the burned onions would put Marco in a bad mood again. He had been so focused on his husband and their son that he had forgotten the onions, too, and only Dani's cry had alarmed him. He opened the window while the older one pulled the pot from the hot stove top.

“How bad is it?” he asked, worried, but Marco smiled at him. “Not that bad, thanks to our boy's sensitive nose. I think I can save it. Could you please set up the table, love?” They looked each other deep in the eyes, and the desire and love he could see in Marco's eyes made his heart race. He leaned in and they kissed each other, deeply and passionately.

“Paps, Daddy, don't kiss, I'm hungry!” Daniel finally complained, and Erik pulled back with a sigh. “Why don't you start with your homework while I set up the table and Paps cooks for us?” he suggested, and Dani pulled a face. “Homework! I can do that after lunch.”

“No, you can't, darling. Daddy promised me that the two of you would pick me up after my work and go to the park with me. We want to play mini-golf and visit Luigi afterwards. But, this will only work if you have done your homework before that,” Marco said, winking at Erik with his eye.

“Paaaapppss!! Daaadddy!” Dani shouted, flinging his arms around both. “Really?” His eyes shone with joy and disbelieving amazement, and Erik couldn't help but kiss his wonderful husband again.

“Yes, really. After homework.” he then said, and Dani whooshed out of the kitchen with more shouts of joy, grabbing his satchel and running to his room. “We're going to the park, we're going to Luigi, we're going to the park, we're going to Luigi...” they heard him sing and shout, and Erik snickered, melting against his other half.

“Thank you, Marco. You made him happy,” he whispered against his throat, and Marco embraced him, tightly. “We're a family, aren't we, love?” he asked, kissing his hair. Erik let out a chuckle that was partly a sob. “Yes, darling, we are a family. And nothing will separate us.”

Marco pressed him close. “Nothing, Erik, I promise you.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

“Is Dani asleep?” Erik asked when Marco joined him on the couch later in the evening. Marco had insisted of putting their son to bed and read the bedtime story to him while Erik had done some cleaning. He had caught himself straining his ears to listen to the sounds Marco and Dani had made, fearing that the cheerful snicker of their son and the deeper chuckle of his husband would turn into shouting and crying, but nothing had happened, and after a while, Erik had allowed himself to relax and wallow in the memories of their wonderful afternoon.

Erik had decided to go to the training ground a little bit earlier, and Dani and he himself had had much fun with watching the young players run over the pitch during their training match. It had been a rather long time since Erik had last watched Marco coaching his team, and he had been deeply impressed by his husband's skills. He had been skeptical at first, but he had to admit that Marco was truly skilled as a trainer, and his young team did everything to make Marco be proud of them.

When Marco had come to the place where they had sat on a bench, he had smiled and tousled Dani's hair, and Erik's heart had started to beat faster just like it had been at the beginning of their relationship. Marco had wrapped one arm around Erik's waist and one arm around Dani's shoulder when they had walked to their car, telling jokes and asking Dani about school and his friends.

When they had reached the park, the mini-golf had been almost abandoned, and the three of them had had great fun, playing three full rounds before they had visited their favorite Italian restaurant and eaten pizza.

Erik couldn't remember the last day they had had spent as a family like this, laughing and having a good time, enjoying themselves and each other's company. Dani had had rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes, and he had clung to his beloved and adored paps almost the entire afternoon. Erik had watched Marco whirling their sweet son through the air and each time he had done so, Erik had fallen in love with him once more. He knew that it was only a break, a short breather, but he was so grateful for having his beloved husband back, his other half, the Marco he knew, that there were no words to express his gratitude. Marco had stolen kisses from him from time to time and as the blond now looked at him, his eyes dark with desire, Erik felt his body react to it, his own desire making him grow hard within seconds.

Marco's eyes became even darker and he leaned in to kiss him. “Yes, our wonderful boy is sound asleep, happy and with Master Hare in his arm, just like it should be.” He nibbled at his husband's lips and Erik's breath hitched in his throat.

“What do you think about going to bed early tonight, as well?” the blond purred, and Erik couldn't hold back the moan fleeing from his lips. “Are you tired?” he teased Marco, and the blond chuckled, his lips traveling from his mouth to his jaw. “Who's talking about sleeping?” he murmured into his ear, before pulling back and winking at him with his eye.

Erik wrapped his arms around him to kiss him passionately on his mouth, and when they were both out of breath, he jumped to his feet, rushing in the direction of their bedroom. “The last one has to do all the work!” he cried over his shoulder, and Marco let out an indignant yelp, running after him with a shout that sounded like the cry of a hunter.

Their happy laughter still echoed in the air a long time after their bedroom door had closed behind them.


	5. Only A Truce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik and Marco have made up and spent a wonderful afternoon with their son. Yet, Erik is still wary and worried that Marco can turn into the stranger again all of the time, and his own health suffers because of the nightmare his life has turned into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The truly sad thing about male depression is that the ones living with the depressed man can't really enjoy the good days any longer, fearing that they turn into bad ones within the blink of an eye. They walk on eggshells twenty-four hours a day and they suppress their own feelings and needs until they become sick themselves.

The next couple of days went by rather quickly and undisturbed, and Erik was grateful for their newly found truce. He was aware of the fact that it wasn't a real peace treaty but only a truce, and he was cautious and careful to not break this delicate truce by accident, which also meant that he stood up one hour earlier than usual each morning to make sure that Daniel was already washed, dressed and that he had finished his breakfast when Marco climbed out of his bed, because Erik had learned during the last months that his husband was especially short-tempered in the mornings and would start to yell because of some crumbs lying on the kitchen table next to Dani's plate.

Erik was deeply grateful that their sweet son didn't complain about having to get up earlier, as well, bravely trying to suppress his yawns when he crawled out of his warm and cozy bed, shivering in the chilly morning air. Their son looked happier than he had looked for the last three weeks, but Erik noticed each and every little flinch Dani instinctively backed away from his older father with whenever Marco opened his mouth to speak to him, even when he didn't look angry. It hurt the brunet more than he could ever have imagined, and the proof of how much damage had already been done to their little family and the boy's trust in his fathers to always love and protect him caused him to toss and turn in his bed for hours in the middle of the night when sleep fled him once again.

The night after their passionate encounter they had both slept undisturbed cuddled up to each other, but two nights later, Erik found himself unable to fall asleep, and when he was sure that Marco was sleeping peacefully and wouldn't wake up, he silently got out of their bed and made himself comfortable in the dark living room to surf the internet for more information about depression and the symptoms men suffering from this disease showed.

_'The research about the differences between men and women suffering from depression only started a couple of years ago, for a very long time, even experts thought that the symptoms were all the same...'_ Erik started to read the article he had found, sighing when he realized that Matze had told him the truth. He read the article carefully and then, scrolled to the summary of the most common symptoms of male depression:

_'Short-tempered behavior, common, uncontrollable tantrums, excessive working or sport sessions for example, the habit of questioning everything, alcohol-abuse or drugs, headache, backache and tinnitus, impatience and self-centeredness.'_

Erik swallowed, because the symptoms listed there read themselves as if someone had described his husband, every symptom mentioned in the list was what Marco had shown and done over the past months, as well.

_'A man suffering from depression oftentimes thinks that he is the only sane and healthy person among a crowd of inept and dud people, he believes that he is the only one being capable of doing things right and how they actually should be done. He has only little stress tolerance and is always discontent with himself and others. He can hardly have a normal conversation without becoming upset and starting to yell any longer, and he will withdraw from his family and his friends and avoid them. The depressed man loses interest in the things he has liked to do before his disease and will stop with his hobbies. Extreme physical and mental exhaustion even after only little exertions and efforts are another typical symptom, spending a lot of time at home on the couch or in bed, trying to fight the exhaustion with too much sleep. The avoidance of fulfilling his duties, finding excuses and promising to see to them the next day, only to delay it again.'_

Erik bit his lip, staring blindly at the screen. The blue shimmer hurt in his tired eyes, but he couldn't avert them from what was written there, and he could only wonder why he hadn't realized the truth so much earlier.

His beloved husband, his wonderful Marco was severely sick, and he needed medical help, a therapy and most likely even pills for some time to recover and heal again. The young footballer felt his throat go tight by the thought of Marco perhaps never recover and heal fully, the prospect of a horrible future where he would have to walk on eggshells for the rest of his life to avoid another one of these horrible tantrums almost crushing him for one moment.

How was he supposed to live such a life without becoming insane for the next years? How was he supposed to protect Dani and grant him a happy childhood and a good and safe, healthy life if Marco wasn't there to help him with that but could become their worst enemy within seconds because of everything and nothing? How was he supposed to keep this truce all alone and without help when everything he said or did, even the most harmless little thing, could turn his other half into a with rage and hate screaming adversary who threatened to leave them or do something truly bad and irreversible?

Not to mention what would perhaps happen when he himself retired? Would he become sick like Marco and develop a depression himself? Would he turn into that stranger and do the same to their wonderful, little son? Was he maybe already developing a depression himself? His nausea could be one of the first symptoms, couldn't it? Plus, Erik had found himself snapping at Dani because of some minor and unimportant things lately, as well. He felt tired all day because of his insomnia and the tasks he had burdened himself with to relieve Marco, and this was probably the reason for his own being so thin-skinned over the past weeks, but he truly feared that there was more behind his own changed behavior than only his understandable exhaustion and fear of doing something wrong again.

“What are you doing here in the middle of the night, babe?” Marco's sleepy question pulled Erik out of his dark thoughts and he couldn't suppress a startled cry.

“Marco! I didn't hear you coming!” he gasped out, his heart hammering in his chest as if it wanted to jump out of his throat. A wave of the overwhelming nausea he had suffered from over the last weeks so oftentimes washed over him and his fingers trembled when he pressed the escape button to not let the blond coming over to him now see what he had read. He would have to delete the site from his browser before his husband would see what he had been searching for, because Marco sometimes used his laptop, as well. “I couldn't sleep and surfed a little bit,” he hastened to explain, and a small frown appeared between Marco's blond brows.

Erik tensed up, readying himself for the next verbal blow. He should probably be grateful that Marco hadn't used physical violence so far, but sometimes, his verbal attacks, the swear words and bad names he used, were harder to bear than Marco beating him most likely would have been. His husband had reached true mastery in mocking him and making him feel small, unimportant, dense and incapable of doing anything right, and Erik knew that his uncertainty about himself because of Marco's common verbal attacks sometimes showed in his performance on the pitch.

Klopp hadn't called him in his office until now, but the defender knew that this was only a matter of time.

Marco had crossed the room and now, sat down beside him, looking at him with concern. Erik put his closed laptop back onto the coffee table, hoping that the older man wouldn't order him to show him the site he had read. Yes, order, not ask. Marco oftentimes forgot that Erik wasn't his subordinate, one of his players he had to teach and to train, and the blond had gotten used to order him and Dani around instead of asking them for help or support and use the word 'please'. If he wanted something, Erik and Dani had to drop everything they were doing and hurrying to do what Marco had ordered them to do, preferable with light speed. Needless to say that Erik and Dani weren't allowed to do the same, having to ask very nicely and wait for Marco to come to their help for several minutes or even longer most of the times. Erik had stopped asking him for help or support weeks ago, tired of the accusations and sermons that he was stealing Marco's time with his impudent requests, even when the older one had nothing to do and only lay on the couch while Erik had to get ready for training or an important match and needed to see to Dani and their daily duties at the same time. In Marco's changed perception, he was the only one working and being strained while Erik did nothing important and had an easy life.

His jaw cramped as Marco now considered him, and he shivered with chills running over his spine, but he did his best to smile at the man he had sworn to love until death would tear them apart. Marco's frown deepened, but his eyes were the beautiful eyes of the Marco Erik had once known and fallen in love with, and he realized with relief that Marco's frown was only an expression of his worries about him. “You're not going to become sick, babe, are you? You're freezing!” he wrapped his arm around the younger one, kissing his temple, and Erik relaxed a little bit and leaned against his side. “No, I don't think so. I'm only a little bit nauseous. Nothing serious,” he assured him, trying to downplay that he felt sick and nauseous for hours each night when he lay awake. Sometimes, it was that bad that he had to swallow some pills, knowing that he had to stand on the pitch the next day and needed at least a few hours of sleep.

“Come back to bed, love. I will warm you and rub your belly,” Marco suggested, laying his hand under his chin to look at him. Erik was glad that he didn't ask him what he had been looking for on his laptop, and he nodded, kissing his sleepy husband on his warm lips. “I'll follow you right away. I only need to relieve myself,” he promised, and Marco yawned and stood up. “But don't make me wait for too long,” he asked Erik with a tender smile. “I cannot sleep properly without you lying next to me.”

Marco looked like a young boy by these words, and Erik's heart made a happy flip, letting the nausea fade a little bit. “I'll hurry, I promise.” He watched Marco turning around and leave the living room, and when he was sure that he was out of sight, Erik opened his laptop and deleted the site from his browser before switching his computer off with sweaty hands. He had to be more careful, because he needed to talk to Marco about his depression first. Letting Marco find out by accident what he had searched for behind his back was nothing he wanted, and the mere thought of how the blond would react if he did send more chills through his body. Erik suppressed a dry retch and took several deep breaths to calm his revolting stomach down as he made his way to their bathroom to relieve himself and wash his hands before joining Marco in their bedroom again.

The blond was already half asleep, but he snuggled close to Erik's back and laid his warm hand on his cramping stomach like he had promised to do when the younger one climbed into their bed. His side was cold after the long time he had been up, and Erik shivered uncontrollably, pulling his blanket tightly around his freezing body. “Uh, you're so cold!” Marco complained as he wrapped himself around him as the big spoon, stroking with his hand up and down on his abdomen. Erik took his hand and put it where it hurt the most, and the warmth and the tenderness radiating from Marco's hand finally helped his stomach to slowly unknot again. For a while, they lay there, and Erik wasn't sure whether or not Marco had fallen asleep again, but then, his husband's voice sounded next to his ear.

“It's still because of what happened the day before yesterday, isn't it, Erik?”

Erik swallowed. Yes, it was, but he couldn't say that, because it would hurt Marco and lead to more fights he couldn't bear at the moment. Lying seemed to have become his new habit, lying about his feelings, his state and his own health as much as lying about Marco's state and their serious problems. He did it for Marco's and Dani's sake, but also because he felt so helpless and didn't know what to do instead. He truly hated it, but lying was better than fighting and arguing all day and night long, and he would choose lying over telling the truth and being yelled at again every time he had to choose between these two options. “No, baby, please, don't worry. I just think that I've eaten something I shouldn't have. I'm sure that I'll be fine again tomorrow.”

Marco kissed him on his hair. “I'm relieved to hear that. You know that I am sorry.”

“Yes, I know, Marco. It's okay, really. I'm so looking forward to our weekend. I can't wait to climb some steep paths and old towers with you. Hopefully, the weather will be fine.”

His husband pulled him closer. “Me too, babe, me too. We could rent a cabriolet. Do you want to stay with your parents?”

Erik suppressed another chill. He had mused about staying in Pirmasens, but he wasn't sure if he would be able to lie to his parents and behave as if everything between Marco and him was perfectly fine, and he also knew that his parents would ask questions Marco would probably consider as nosy and become upset about. His mother knew him far too well and would notice that her son was hiding something from her, and he really didn't want to tell her what had happened over the past months before he had talked with Marco himself. He needed some more time and apart from that, it had been a rather long time since it had been just the two of them.

“No, I want to spend our weekend alone with you, Marco. Just you and me like it was when we had just come together. Only you and me and the castles. Renting a cabriolet is a great idea, and the season hasn't started so far, I'm sure we will find a nice place to stay. We could look for hotels and holiday lofts together, maybe tomorrow after work?” he murmured, and Marco hummed approvingly.

“That's a good idea. Now, try to sleep, babe,” he yawned, and after a few minutes, the blond's even breath told Erik that his husband was sound asleep again. Erik himself needed much longer to fall asleep, his stomach still clenching from time to time, but Marco's strong frame warmed his back and let the cold inside his guts slowly fade again. He knew that it would take a long time until he wouldn't be wary and cautious any longer, thinking about every word he wanted to utter twice or thrice, but he felt true anticipation whenever he thought of the forthcoming weekend, and he was also glad that their sweet son would spend three carefree days with his friend. Matze and his wife were wonderful, always calm, friendly and gentle, and Dani considered them as family and loved it to sleep there and play with Lukas.

Maybe, the fragile truce between Marco and him would turn into a real peace treaty again when Marco started a therapy and got professional help, Erik only had to find the right words to make him accept the truth and become willing to seek medical help when he told his other half what he suffered from.

The brunet didn't know how he should do that – find the right words – because he actually doubted that there were words that could be described as the 'right ones', at all, but he had to try it, nonetheless. Marco needed him and his help, and Erik wouldn't let him down, no matter how sick he became himself because of his fear that his beloved husband would turn into this furious stranger again within the blink of an eye because of one false word.

No, Erik would fight and bravely endure every tantrum and every insult thrown at him, and he would also protect Dani as best as he could. The old Marco was still there, hidden somewhere underneath the stranger, trying to struggle back to the water surface of the stormy sea their life had become to not drown in it, and the old Marco still loved Dani and him, that was clear to see. Erik wouldn't give up and fight against the stranger to defeat him and bring the old Marco back to the surface before he drowned, completely.

Erik closed his eyes when he had made this silent promise to himself, trying to ignore the nausea still pooling in his abdomen and focusing on listening to Marco's even breaths instead.

After a while, he eventually became sleepy himself, and his last coherent thought before the slumber of exhaustion caught him was that Marco was still capable of chasing his nightmares away only with his presence and his warmth, his solid frame curled around him the best reassurance and consolation Erik had ever needed.


	6. Everyday Life Is A Minefield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco and Erik want to prepare everything for their weekend in the Pfälzer Wald, but everyday life isn't as easy and peaceful as it has been any longer. Marco always gets upset when things don't go the way he has planned. Erik feels like stepping onto mines that will explode the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with the sadder sides of this horrible disease again, but there will be some sweet moments somehwere in this story. It is late and proofread only once, but I promised the next chapter for the end of the week, so here it is.

The following days were tightly scheduled and didn't leave much room for serious talks about the state of their family and their relationship. Erik knew that he shouldn't be as glad about that as he actually was, but he really needed some time out, and he gratefully threw himself into the preparations of their short trip.

Daniel was excited about the prospect of staying with Lukas, and when Matze called Erik and told him that he would visit Phantasialand with the boys, his son shouted with pure joy and bounced on his feet for more than half an hour. Erik let him run around in their house with a tender and happy smile, but when he heard the sound of a key turning in the lock of their front door, he put his finger on his lips and gazed strictly at his sweet son.

Dani stopped his bouncing and bit his lip. “I will behave now, Daddy,” he promised rather subdued. “I don't want Paps to become angry with us again.”

Erik's throat clenched, painfully, but he nodded his head with relief. “I'm sorry, Dani, but you know how quickly Paps becomes upset about anything these days. I understand your excitement, but you have to be quiet when he's at home.”

Dani smiled at him, and his smile was far too knowing and mature for his young age. “Yes, I know, Daddy. I will be good. I have to do some homework anyway.” He left the living room almost on his toes, and Erik's stomach made itself known as it did oftentimes lately. The young father took several deep breaths and briefly controlled his face in the mirror as he made his way to the hall way to ask his husband if he needed help with some bags or anything else. Sometimes, the blond became upset when no one came to greet him and ask him how his day had been when he entered their house, sometimes, he became angry when Erik and Dani awaited him to say hello before he had shrugged out of his jacket.

Erik paused in the doorway, not sure which of the two possibilities was the one awaiting him today.  
They had had a minor argument in the morning, because Erik had had to tell Marco that he couldn't go shopping because of a late announced extra training, and his husband had groused about having to do all the work on his own for several minutes. Erik had apologized to him and tried to explain, but Marco hadn't listened to him but left the house for his morning run still mumbling to himself about Erik letting him down again, and the younger one had had to leave with Dani before Marco had been back from his run.

Now, he felt insecure and sick, smiling hesitantly at the blond loaded with bags. “May I help you with the bags, Marco? I'm truly sorry that I couldn't...”

The rest of his sentence was swallowed by a pair of hungry lips pressed upon his own, and Erik gladly wrapped his arms around his husband and kissed Marco back with the same passion. When they parted again, he gazed cautiously at him. “What was that for?”

Marco shrugged his shoulders, his lopsided grin Erik hadn't seen in a rather long time curling at his lips. “I was an idiot this morning, babe, and I'm sorry for that. Of course, it wasn't your fault that Kloppo announced the training that late. Could you take these bags? The contents need to be put in the fridge.”

Erik nodded with utter relief. “Of course, Marco. Dani is doing homework and I have started cooking. The goulash should be ready in half an hour.” He took the bags with the meat and the milk to put it into the refrigerator while Marco took care of the rest of the weekly shopping. He was still tensed and worried, but Marco seemed to be in a rather good mood again, and when they sat down half an hour later to eat the goulash Erik had cooked, his husband listened attentively to Dani's retelling of his school day and praised Erik for the delicious meal. Erik allowed himself to relax and enjoy the precious family time and the goulash, and when they saw to the leftovers together, he even stole a few kisses from the blond, making Marco grin at him.

Maybe, his husband was already starting to feel better, Erik at least hoped that he was. It could be that their huge quarrel on that horrible evening had opened Marco's eyes and that he would seek help on his own. It was only a small hope, but Erik clung to it while he cleaned the kitchen, assuring himself silently that they would be alright again, soon, again and again until he almost believed it.

 

*~*~*~*

 

His hope didn't last long.

Two hours later, he found himself staring horrified at the stranger Marco had turned into once more, unable to utter one single word as he listened to the older one's shouts and raging.

“Why don't you say anything to it, Erik? No, don't answer me, I already know the reason! Our weekend means nothing to you! You are not the least interested in anything I say or do! I should have known it!” Marco screamed, not leaving Erik any time to object and say something himself between his furious shouting. When the brunet finally managed to open his mouth, the older one only snorted, mockingly.

“But, Marco, it's only a stupid car. We will find another cabriolet to rent for our weekend. It doesn't have to be this one,” Erik tried, but he only increased his husband's anger with his words.

“We agreed to rent this one! You always have to change our plans the very last minute! It's always the same with you! I suggest something but no, Mr. Durm-Reus of course has to object, proving to me that he is sooooo much more clever! Do you know what? Kiss my ass! I don't want to spend my precious weekend with someone not supporting me and always changing our plans right after we've made them! You can visit your 'precious' home alone. I don't like the Pfälzer Wald anyway. You Pfälzer are all arrogant and overbearing people!” Marco pushed his chair with a loud bang against the wall and jumped to his feet, rushing out of the dining room where they had sat together to surf the internet for available cabriolets. Erik heard him slamming the front door shut the next second, flinching violently by the loud noise.

The young defender sat there, staring blindly at the screen, his vision blurred with desperate tears. It was always like that, every single day. It always started rather harmlessly, just like it had done today when they had tried to find a nice place to stay for the weekend. Marco had wanted to search for a cabriolet beforehand, and when he had found the one catching his eye right away, he had refused to let go of the topic and become almost obsessed with this car. Erik had to admit that he liked the Jaguar Marco had chosen himself, but not at any price. The car wasn't available, and Marco had really made a request to every care hire they had found in the internet.

Marco had gotten angrier with every second that had passed, and Erik's stomach had tied itself into a tight knot again. He had quietly suggested to look for another cabriolet, but Marco had started to shout and yell, accusing him that Erik always stabbed him in his back and wasn't loyal and so on. Erik didn't care about which cabriolet they would drive, all he cared about was spending a wonderful weekend with the man he still loved so much, but for Marco, getting exactly what he wanted was obviously more important than having a great time with his husband. There had been other nice cars, but Marco hadn't even looked at them. Actually, it was Marco stabbing Erik and Dani in their backs all of the time, but he was too occupied with himself to see that.

Their everyday life had become a dangerous minefield, and Erik never knew when he would step onto the next mine again, because it could happen each second, making Marco explode with fury and rage. Erik seemed to never make it right, Marco got upset when he spoke up, trying to calm him in those situations, and when Erik stayed silent, he got upset, too.

The brunet sighed, tiredly, musing about what it had been this time. Erik himself wasn't the reason, at all, he wasn't responsible for the Jaguar not being available, but Marco always aimed his anger at him. The ringing of their phone pulled him out of his dark thoughts, and he hurried to pick it up, hoping that it was Marco telling him that he was alright, even though he still felt hurt because of Marco's hurtful and offending words. The blond had reached true mastery in hitting below the belt, and the way his other half had mocked his roots and origins had truly hurt him.

“Hello?” he asked, cautiously, his hand clenching around the phone.

“Erik? Marcel here. Is Marco around?” Marco's best friend's voice sounded through the speaker.

“No, Marcel, sorry, he's not there.” Erik swallowed, hoping that Marcel would make it short and leave him alone.

“Do you know where he is? He switched off his smartphone.”

Erik sighed again, and he kept his voice impassive when he replied. “No, I don't know where he is.”

There was a rather long silence before Marcel finally asked: “Did you fight again?”

Erik's jaw was tensed and his lips were pressed to a thin line when he answered, tersely: Sorry, but that's none of your business, Marcel.”

This time, it was Marcel's turn to sigh. “Yes, it is, Erik. I'm not only Marco's friend, but yours, as well. You didn't really think that I didn't notice that something's wrong with Marco and you? I am not taking his side, I only want to know what happened to you. You loved each other so much and now, all you seem to do is fighting? Not to mention how much Marco has changed. Sometimes, I don't recognize him anymore. He looks like Marco, but he behaves like a stranger.”

Erik let out a short laugh, but it wasn't a cheerful one. “I couldn't have described it in a better way, Marcel.”

“I see. Then tell me what's wrong, I want to help you, Erik.”

And Erik did. He spilled everything to the man who knew Marco best except for he himself, probably even better because he had grown up with Marco. He told Marcel everything that had happened from the day on when Marco had told Erik about his decision to become a trainer without having spoken about it beforehand to the moment when Marco had slammed the door behind him half an hour ago. He told him about Matze's visit and what his own best friend had said, and Marcel listened quietly and without interrupting him.

When Erik was finished, his voice raw from his long speech, Marcel eventually spoke up again. “My God, Erik, if I had only known that it is already that bad. I suspected something like that, but not that Marco's depression has gone that far. I'm so sorry, I should have talked to you much earlier. I will do my very best to help you, Erik. You're right that both of you need some time out and a breather before your serious talk, and spending a weekend in your beautiful homeland would be good. Marco didn't mean what he has said, he loves the Pfälzer Wald, Erik.”

“I know, Marcel, but it hurts, nonetheless.”

“I can imagine. Do you know what? I'll see to you getting the Jaguar, I have some connections, maybe I can arrange something. I'm pretty sure that Marco will be sorry when he comes back to you.”

“If he comes back,” Erik interrupted him, but Marcel sounded convinced when he said: “Marco will come back, he only needed some time alone to calm down again. He told me that he's scared himself when he has one of his tantrums, I'm sure that he left you because he didn't want to hurt you more. You should look for a nice holiday apartment, Erik. I think that it will be better for you to stay on your own and not in a hotel where everyone will recognize you.”

“You have a point here. Thank you, Marcel, I will do that. It is hard, especially seeing how much Dani suffers, but I really love him.” Erik's voice broke and he had to stifle a sob.

“Yes, I know that, Erik. You know that I consider Marco as some kind of brother, but that doesn't mean that Dani and you and your well-being is not as important to me as his.”

Erik smiled, gratefully. “Thank you, Marcel, that means a lot to me.”

The sound of the key turning in the front door made him raise his head. “I think Marco is coming back.”

“Alright, try to be strong, Erik, Marco needs you. I'll see what I can do with the Jaguar, and you two will look for a nice place to stay!”

“Will do, Marcel, thank you. For everything.” Erik ended the call, hesitantly getting up from his chair. Dani was with a friend, and he didn't have a key, so it could only be Marco. It was the same situation it had been when Marco had come back from the shopping, only that this time, Marco had been much angrier than this morning, and Erik feared that he would yell at him again right away.

“Erik?” Marco's voice sounded through the hall way, and Erik bit his lip and went to the door where he stopped, uncertainly.

“I'm here, Marco.”

His husband appeared in the corridor, looking at him with a bad conscience written all over his face.  
“I'm sorry, Erik, I shouldn't have reacted this way. It's not your fault that no one seems to have this damn car.”

At the beginning, Erik had had a hard time with forgiving Marco his fits of rage just like that, and he still felt pretty hurt, but when Marco looked at him like that, his eyes pleading him to forgive him, he couldn't bring himself to argue with his husband any longer.

“It's okay, Marco, I'm not mad at you,” he said, his smile not really reaching his red eyes. Erik had so hoped that Marco would not have one of his tantrums for at least until after their weekend, and his joy about their free time together had vanished after their quarrel about the car.

Marco tilted his head to the side, opening his arms in a questioning gesture. “I'm sorry, Erik. I won't yell at you again, I promise you. I would like to look for a nice hotel or holiday flat with you – if you still want to visit your beautiful home with me, that is.”

Erik wrapped his own arms around the blond. “Do you really want to spend your time among overbearing Pfälzer?” he murmured into his shirt, and Marco flinched, but pressed him close.

“I shouldn't have said that,” he admitted, but this time, he didn't apologize for having Erik insulted this way. “Shall we look for a nice place to stay?”

Erik closed his eyes for one moment, trying to gather his remaining strength. “Of course, Marco. I would like that,” he then said, following his husband back into their dining room.

Maybe, Marcel would be successful and rent the Jaguar for them. Maybe, they would find a nice holiday apartment without any problems.

Maybe, Marco wouldn't yell at him again, at least for a few hours.


	7. Not A Secret Any Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik and Marco have had another quarrel about how to spend their weekend and which cabriolet to drive, and it has affected Erik, badly. Now, it is Thursday evening and Matze has come to pick their son Daniel up. Erik remembers the talk he has had with Klopp earlier in the afternoon while saying goodbye to his son...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It takes a rather long time for other people to notice that something's wrong when a man suffers from a severe depression, even for the ones close to the man, and oftentimes, they suspect that the wife or husband is the one actually suffering, as strange as this might seem, especially because the wives and husbands try to protect the sick one and keep their problems a secret.
> 
> This story is based on personal experiences as most of you probably know by now, my dear readers, but I changed things and decided to get Erik some help and 'accomplices' in Matze, Marcel and Klopp, something that isn't so easy in real life. 
> 
> Your feedback would be invaluable for me, so please share your thoughts with me. <333

Matze picked Daniel up on Thursday evening because Erik and Marco wanted to leave early the next morning and didn't want their little son having to carry his over night bag with him to school. The tall defender would bring Dani and Lukas to school the next day and pick them up again, and the boy was excited that he was allowed to stay overnight with his best friend even though it was a day where he had to go to school, because he normally wasn't allowed to do that. Erik and Marco had always been strict about that, but the last weeks had been straining for their sweet son, and Erik's heart ached and laughed at the same time when he saw Dani's beautiful eyes lightening up with pure joy when he opened the door to let Matze and Lukas in.

Dani hadn't had much joy in his life lately, having had to cry far too often for Erik's peace of mind. He had become thinner, his trousers too wide to be worn without a belt any longer like Dani had been used to before things had started to go down the swanny, and there was always a weary and anxious expression in his eyes when he looked at his fathers, his shoulders tensed with the fear to be yelled at for some minor issues again. Erik knew quite well that it hadn't been only Marco yelling at him, but he himself far to often, as well, Marco's behavior rubbing off on him in some way. Not to mention his own poor state, his body filled with adrenaline the entire time due to him being constantly in the alarm-mode.

It had become worse over the past days, their big quarrel because of the damn car had earned Erik one more sleepless night, and his abysmal performance during training this afternoon had eventually caused Kloppo to call him into his office after training for a serious talk. Erik had known that it had only been a matter of time for this to happen, but it had caught him off-guard, nonetheless, and he had had a hard time suppressing his shaking when he had knocked on the door of Klopp's office.

The tersely called “Come in!” had done nothing to calm him down, and his forehead had been covered with cold sweat because of the well-known nausea turning his stomach when he had entered the room.

Their trainer had talked to someone on his phone while searching for something on his screen, and he had only gestured at Erik to take the seat before his desk, silently. Erik had dropped down on the chair, wrapping his arms around his midsection without really noticing it. It was a posture he had become used to over the last weeks, and he had only realized what he had done when Klopp had ended the call and watched him for a while with a musing expression, his eyes traveling pointedly to Erik's forearms pressed against his cramping stomach.

Erik's cheeks had reddened while the rest of his face had probably stayed snow-white, and he had readied himself for the sermon their trainer would surely let rain down on him now.

Jürgen Klopp had surprised him though, because his face had softened and his voice had been friendly and almost gentle when he had finally spoken up.

“Do you want to tell me what has gone wrong lately, Erik? I have noticed for a while now that something's off, but I thought that it would maybe pass on its own again. After today, it is clear that it won't, and if there is something I can do for you, please, let me know.”

Erik had gaped at him, speechless and dumbfounded for one moment, and his first reaction had been to spill everything to Klopp and tell him how much his life had become a living hell lately. But, his second reaction had been the strong urge to protect his little family and keep up the semblance of he himself having everything under control, and so he had opened his mouth and uttered another lie, one of the many, many lies he had uttered over the past months to pretend that life was easy and just fine: “Nothing is wrong, Jürgen, it was only a little bit stressing, lately. I'm sorry for my poor performance today, it won't happen again, I promise.”

The expression on the older man's features hadn't changed, at all, when he had shaken his head, but there had been the slightest hint of an annoyed frown between his brows when he had said:  
“Erik, you're not talking to any random acquaintance, but to your trainer who knows you for a rather long time by now. I have been the one turning you into a defender, and I have always kept an eye on you even during the years I haven't been your trainer. I have seen you happy and cheerful, I have seen you sick and injured, and I have seen you unhappy and sad. But no matter how sad or sick you might have been, your eyes have never lost those sparks of joy of living and vitality, and every time you have smiled or laughed, your dimples have been visible. Your eyes have lost their sparks over the past months, and your smile doesn't reach your eyes anymore. I haven't seen your dimples for a rather long time, and I won't let you get away with you telling me that you are alright, because I can clearly see that you are _not_ alright. I didn't call you here to preach or tell you off, Erik, I know that you're still giving your best on the pitch, even when your best is as bad as it has been today. I called you because I'm worried about you. I'm standing there at the sideline, watching you slowly fade away, and I think that it is about time to offer you help because you apparently can't get over whatever is troubling you that much on your own.”

Klopp had paused for one moment, regarding the young defender with attentive and observant eyes. “You can speak openly to me, Erik. I don't want to judge you, I'm only here to help you, so please tell me, have you become depressive? Is this the reason why your eyes have lost their sparks?”

 

*~*~*~*

 

For one moment, all Erik had been capable of was staring at his trainer, horrified and scared because Jürgen had found out his secret that easily.

“No, I'm not depressive, of course, not! How can you say that?” he had eventually cried out in dismay, his arms tightening their grip around his midsection because his body had started to shake with a new wave of nausea again. He had known that his voice had sounded accusingly and offended, but Klopp hadn't become angry, if anything, his expression had softened even more.

“You're asking me how I can say that, Erik? I tell you why: because I have been in the same state as you are now, and I am able to notice the signs better than others because of that. You don't have to be ashamed, Erik, it is a disease that can hit everyone, and you're neither insane nor responsible for it. But, you need help because this disease won't go away again just like that. You need help and probably a break from work to sort things out and recover again,” his trainer had said, his voice firm and strict, but filled with so much understanding that Erik's eyes had become wet.

He had taken a deep breath, fighting an inner battle for some time because his urge to keep Marco's secret and the problems they had had been as strong as his desire to tell Klopp the truth, and it had only been Jürgen's determined expression that had convinced him to give in to his desire and share his problem with him. The young defender had seen that his trainer would force Erik to take a break with the help of the team doctors if necessary, and this was something he simply couldn't stand. The mere thought of losing the only thing keeping him upright except for Dani had made him want to cry like a baby, because his work was the only thin barrier between him staying sane or becoming crazy, and he couldn't risk losing this barrier.

He looked at Klopp waiting silently and patiently for him to make his choice, searching for a way to reassure the older one that he didn't need to worry about him, even though he knew that his trainer would see through him again, and so he had resigned himself to his fate and taken another deep breath. His voice had been hoarse and strangled and his eyes had been filled with tears when he had eventually made up his mind and opened his mouth to say:

“It is not me being depressive, Jürgen, at least I don't think that I have developed a depression yet. It is Marco suffering from it.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

Erik remembered his talk with Klopp as he now watched Dani shouting with joy when Matze and Lukas entered their house. “Lukas!! Matze!! You really came! I can't wait to visit Phantasialand with you!” his sweet little son screamed, excitedly, and Erik flinched, his eyes darting to the living room where Marco was busied with something on their computer.

Only half a year ago, he would have stood in the hallway beside Erik to greet their guests, but he had told his husband earlier today that Matze was Erik's best friend and that there was no need for him to pretend that Matze was his close friend, as well. It had hurt Erik, because he had never behaved towards Marcel and Robin this way, but he knew that it had been the depression making Marco say that and he had tried to suppress his anger and hurt feelings to not fight before Dani's eyes with him again.

Dani now threw himself into Matze's arms, and the wave of jealousy, despair and regret Erik felt when he saw his son doing it took his breath away for one moment and made his stomach clench with new pain once more. Their son had stopped throwing himself in Marco's arms without permission for a while now, and he was always slow, hesitant and weary when Marco opened his arms to catch him, cautiousness visible in his eyes whenever he embraced his beloved paps.

Dani had stopped throwing himself in Erik's arms two weeks ago when his beloved dad had yelled at him because of his satchel still lying in the hallway after lunch, as well.

Erik knew that it was his own fault, but it didn't ease the pain about how naturally Dani sought shelter in his best friend's arms when it should have been his own fathers he should have come to like this.

Matze met his eyes over Dani's tousled mop of hair, and Erik could see that the younger one understood him better than he liked him to understand – just like Klopp had done this afternoon.

 

*~*~*~*

 

The older man had listened to Erik's long speech, quietly, never taking his eyes off the brunet's face, and when Erik had been finished with his confession after almost twenty minutes, he had nodded his head, filling a glass with water for the desperate player huddling in the chair before his desk.

“Thank you, Jürgen.” Erik's fingers had trembled that much that some of the water had splashed over the rim of the glass, but Klopp hadn't even cared, taking some paper tissues and wiping the surface dry again without saying any word.

“I'm sorry, Erik,” he had only said, his eyes filled with regret.

“You're sorry, Jürgen? For what?” Erik had asked, frowning with confusion.

“For not realizing what's going on. I should have thought of that after Marco's retirement, especially when he had joined the trainer team of the junior team. I heard some things, but I didn't put two and two together like I should have. A lot of players struggle with their new lives and new roles, and for Marco, playing football has always been more than only a job. I guess I just thought that it wouldn't be as hard for him because of you and Dani, but now, I'm angry with myself that I didn't talk earlier to you.”

Klopp had regarded the defender for some time, and Erik had dared to relax just a tiny little bit. “I'm still not sure whether or not you have developed a depression yourself, Erik, I'm honest with you. Living with a depressive man can be a living hell, sometimes, I still wonder that Bettina didn't leave me during my depression. I know what you mean when you say that Marco turns into a stranger when he has one of his tantrums, believe me. This horrible disease affects everyone, especially the wives, husbands and kids. I would feel better with you seeing a doctor and talking to them about your own problems but, I won't order you to take a break, because this would make everything worse for you, I can see that now. I can't put you into the starting eleven in your current state, but you will be substituted and train with the team just like always.”

Erik had smiled at him and this time, his smile had reached his eyes. “Thank you, Jürgen. I cannot tell you how much this means to me. I understand that you can't let me play from the start, I know that I am not in the state for that at the moment.”

“Yes, I know, Erik.” Jürgen had smiled back. “If you need a day or two off, then call me, you don't need to worry that I will take it as a sign that you don't take your job serious, because I know that you do. But the risk of you becoming injured is much bigger at the moment, and if you have been up all night again, it will be better for you to take the day off or train only a little bit.”

“Thank you.” Erik had balled his fists to keep his composure, the gratitude he had felt by Klopp's kind words making him want to cry again.

“But, I expect you to talk to Marco, Erik. You can't go on like that. Marco needs help and he needs to realize that. He is sick and only partly responsible for what he's doing, but this is not an excuse for how he treats Dani and you. He can't take his anger and frustration out on you like that. I can protect you and go easy on you for a while, but I am responsible for the whole team, and if Marco's problems affect you like that in the future, then I have to explain to my boss what's wrong and draw the consequences. I don't need to tell you what this means, Erik.”

Erik had nodded his head in a tired manner. “Yes, I know that myself, Jürgen. I will talk to him – after our weekend. We really need a breather – I need a breather.”

Klopp had taken Erik's cold and sweaty hand in his own warm one to squeeze it, gently. “I wish you two that you will have a good time and that you will enjoy your weekend and your time together. I can see that you'll need this time out before your talk. Just remember that you're not alone. You can call me at any time when you need someone to talk to who understands what you're going through – both of you. When, not if, because it is clear that you will need someone to talk to. Any time, Erik, no matter whether it is eleven o'clock in the morning or two o'clock in the middle of the night, do you hear me?”

“Yes, I hear you. Thank you so much for listening to me and giving me a chance, Jürgen. Without football, I would go crazy...” Erik's voice had broken, and Klopp had squeezed his fingers again.

“I know, Erik, believe me, I know that.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

“Do you want to come in, Matze?” Erik now asked, pulling himself out of his memories with effort.

Marco had asked him rather reproachfully why it had taken him so long to come home after training, and Erik had found another excuse, risking his husband's anger with his lie, but he simply couldn't tell him about his talk with Jürgen, not before their weekend.

His friend shook his head with a smile. “No, thank you, Erik. Lukas needs bigger shoes, and I promised my lovely spouse to buy them with Lukas because she has had the 'pleasure' to do that the last time. We need to hurry a little bit, I'm sorry.”

The older defender could see that this wasn't the only reason for Matze not wanting to come in, but that he had noticed the tension lying in the air, instantly. He seemed to sense that Marco would react badly to Matze making small talk to him, and buying shoes for Lukas was the perfect excuse and reason for his best friend not staying without offending Marco, because Erik knew that his husband would become annoyed despite the fact that he had been the impolite one ignoring their guests.

“Uhm yes, buying shoes for kids is always fun,” he chuckled, weakly, kneeling down to take his excited and happy son in his arms. “I wish you a wonderful and great weekend, darling!” he whispered into his ear, pressing a kiss onto his forehead.

Dani wrapped his arms around him as firmly as he could. “I wish you the same, Daddy.” He placed a rather wet kiss on Erik's stubbly cheek and the young father found himself close to tears once again.

“Goodbye, Paps!” Dani then yelled in the direction of the open door leading to the living room. He had said goodbye to Marco and embraced him before opening the front door, and Erik didn't really expect him to come to the hallway and say goodbye for a second time.

But, Marco surprised him, because he did appear in the doorway, offering Matze his hand. “Hello Matze, thank you for taking Dani for the weekend.”

“Hello Marco,” the tall brunet answered, politely. “It is our greatest pleasure. We love having Dani around.”

A frown became visible on Marco's forehead, but he smiled back as politely as Matze had been. “Yes, it's the same with Lukas for us.” He ruffled briefly the other boy's hair. “Hello Lukas, you really should visit us next week. I wish you a lot of fun in Phantasialand.”

“Thank you, Marco,” Lukas replied, confused about the strange behavior both, his father and Marco showed.

Erik opened his mouth to speak, but Marco had already knelt down to kiss his son on his cheek. Dani wrapped his arms around his paps, burying his face on his shoulder. “I love you, Paps,” he murmured, and Erik watched his other half closing his eyes and pressing their sweet son against his body. “I love you, too Dani. Take care, okay?”

“I will, Paps, I promise you!” Dani loosened their embrace and Erik stole another kiss from him, suddenly hesitant to let him go. “I love you, baby,” he whispered into his fragrant hair, and Dani smiled at him. “I love you, too, Daddy!”

The boy waved at his fathers before turning around and jumping down the few stairs of their house. Matze raised his hand in a last greeting, following the two shouting boys outside. The door closed behind him and then, Erik and Marco were alone in their big house, gazing at each other, uncertainly.


	8. Such A Happy Couple!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik's trainer Jürgen Klopp and their close friends know about Marco's depression, but other people don't see that something's seriously wrong because neither Erik nor Marco want them to know about their problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your positive feedback, my dear readers, you can't imagine how much it means to me. I'm trying to write this story as good and honest as possible and it is pretty hard as you can probably imagine. I am aware that the things I describe here don't match with every male depression and that it is different for someone living alone and without family. But, it is important to me to show that there are ups and downs and a slow built, because depression doesn't come overnight just like that, and not all days are bad and without hope and laughter. There are a lot of good things and days, oftentimes weeks or even months in between, precious moments and hope. Without help, it will get worse and worse, though, and it will have serious consequences to the entire family. The Erik in my story is already close to develop a depression himself, and his health issues show that.  
> I haven't proof-read this chapter because it is pretty late, I will do that after waking up again.
> 
> Please, keep up your support, encouragement and feedback, it is what keeps me going. <333

“I hope that Matze will take his responsibility serious and take good care of Dani!” Marco finally broke the heavy silence that had stretched between them, and his voice had the annoyed and ugly tone Erik had come to hate over the past months, because it didn't resemble the wonderful, warm voice Erik remembered from before Marco's retirement only the slightest. His husband's voice was as strange to him as Marco himself was that oftentimes, and he swallowed, dryly, searching for the answer that wouldn't make the older one shout with him. The only thing was that each answer Erik could give him would probably make Marco yell at him, because he didn't need a real reason for that. Sometimes, Erik only needed to stand on the 'wrong' spot and Marco freaked out.

“I'm sure, he will, Marco. After all, he is a father himself,” he said, trying to give his own voice a neutral tone. Marco narrowed his eyes. “I know that you consider him to be a better father than I am, Erik, no need to point that out!” he snapped, turning around and leaving Erik standing in the hallway, the well-known exhaustion and despair that had become the brunet's permanent companions making it hard for him to move one single limb himself. He took several deep breaths to calm himself down again and eventually made his way in the direction of their bedroom to pack the last things in his overnight bag. His joy about their weekend had vanished, completely, but he knew that staying at home wouldn't be the better option, either, even more because Marcel had actually managed to get the Jaguar cabriolet for them. Marco had been happy when Marcel had called him to tell him the good news, he had even forgotten to make a scene because Erik had told his best friend about their quarrel. They had found a nice holiday lodge in Ludwigswinkel called 'Old Boathouse', which adjoined directly to an idyllic lake, and Erik had so been looking forward to their three days off but now, he almost feared them.

His throat clenched when a sudden bout of homesickness overwhelmed him, homesickness for his family still living in Pirmasens, and for one moment, the wish to run after Matze to take Dani and drive to his parents threatened to blot out all reason and make him just do exactly that.

Take his sweet son, drive with him to Pirmasens and never come back.

“Erik?” A hand falling down on his shoulder made him almost jump and jerk away from the man standing behind him, violently. Erik spun around, staring at his husband with wide eyes. Marco stepped back, taken aback by the brunet's behavior. “Erik, what's wrong? You look as if you had seen a ghost!” he asked, concern audible in his voice.

“N-n-noth-hing. You only gave me a fright.” Erik stammered, flinching again when Marco reached out for him with his hand. His husband blinked, dismay furrowing his brows. “Are you scared of me, Erik? You're behaving as if you expected me to beat you!” he sounded confused, but also hurt, and Erik bit his lip and cast his eyes down. “No, of course not, babe. I was only lost in my thoughts and you startled me,” he hurried to explain, but he couldn't meet the blond's eyes.

Silence stretched between them again and Erik halfway expected Marco to yell at him or leave him without a word but instead, he offered his hand to him in an apologetic manner. “I'm sorry, Erik, I shouldn't have said that. It's just that I miss Dani and that I am worried that something could happen to him when they visit Phantasialand. I know that it is stupid, but that's normal being a father, I guess. I wanted to ask you if you're in the mood to go out with me.”

Erik stared at Marco's hand. “Go out?” he repeated, not sure whether or not he had heard right. It had been a long time since Marco had last wanted to go out with him. The older one smiled at him. “Yes, go out. Just you and me. We could go to Luigi and watch a movie afterwards. It is still early enough to do both, and I would like to celebrate our free time with a delicious dinner we haven't cooked ourselves and a nice movie. Snuggling close to you in the dark cinema, noshing on popcorn, you know? Like we have done it before Dani.”

Erik took Marco's hand, letting himself be pulled in his husband's strong arms. “I would like that,” he murmured into the blond's shirt, wrapping his arms around him. “But I have to pack our bags...”

Marco silenced him with a kiss. “We will do that together tomorrow. Tonight, I want to go out with you, darling.”

Erik still felt nauseous, but there was no way that he would disappoint his other half who had found back at least some of his good spirits. He kissed his husband on his stubbly cheek, hoping that his smile didn't look too much like a grimace. “Just give me five minutes to make myself presentable again,” he murmured into his ear before heading for the bathroom where he kept his pills against his nausea.

He combed his hair and splashed cold water in his face before swallowing one of his pills with more water. Then, he regarded himself in the mirror, straightening his shoulders.

“You can do that, Erik,” he told himself. “You will have a nice evening with the man you still love so much, and you won't give him any reason to yell at you, not tonight, and not during the next three days. Just get your shit together and think twice about everything you want to say and everything will be fine.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

“Ah, Erik, Marco! What a pleasure to welcome you in my humble restaurant again! It has been quite some time, I hope that it wasn't because of my son-in-law's cooking skills!” Luigi greeted them with opened arms when they entered his restaurant half an hour later.

Erik hadn't seen his husband smiling that widely for weeks as Marco hugged the smaller Italian back. “Of course not, Luigi! You know how much we love having dinner in your restaurant! Your pizza is simply the best in Dortmund. But, we don't want to leave Dani too oftentimes with a babysitter, you know? He's still so young and we just feel more comfortable with us staying at home until he's older,” his husband said, and Erik was amazed how easily this lie slipped from Marco's lips. He wondered whether or not Luigi would buy it, because they had spent a lot of evenings in his restaurant on a regular basis while leaving their baby-son with a babysitter before Marco had retired, but if Luigi doubted Marco's explanation, he didn't let it show.

He just nodded his head, winking at the two young men with a conspiratorial grin. “Ah, I know, I know, Marco. You don't have to explain yourself. I can see why you prefer to stay at home with your handsome husband,” he whispered rather loudly. “If I were a little bit younger and could risk leaving my son-in-law here on his own, I would do the same with my sweet Antonella!”

Erik blushed by his words, but before he could say anything, he was pulled into Luigi's beefy arms and pressed against his broad chest. “Erik! You have become thinner!” he stated concerned as he patted his back, “you have to eat properly with your spouse straining you so much after your already straining work!” The middle-aged man pushed Erik away to look at him but kept the young defender by his arms, winking at him with his eye like he had done with Marco. “Who am I to tell you what to do, I am sure that Marco will take good care of you now, that he has retired and more time to indulge you and see to you having a wonderful time and place to recover from your hard work when you come home to him,” he said, and Erik almost couldn't keep the happy mask on his face as he listened to Luigi's excited words. _'If you only knew,'_ he thought, sadly, unable to look at his husband to see how Marco reacted to the Italian's assumption. “You're such a happy and lovely couple, even after all of these years, not like all the other young people breaking up after their first bigger argument do nowadays. It's always heartwarming to see you two together, still so much in love...” Luigi sighed, rolling his eyes with exaltation. Erik gulped for air, but Marco saved him by pulling him away from the friendly but clueless restaurateur and into his own arms, kissing him briefly.

“You're right, Luigi, we're still in love like we have been at the beginning, isn't that so, love? We're still totally happy with each other, right?” he said, beaming at the Italian while pressing Erik close to him. This time, Erik didn't mind Marco telling a blatant lie, because he really didn't want too many other people knowing about their problems, and surely not Luigi, even though he really liked the kind restaurateur who had welcomed them in his pizzeria as a couple without any prejudices.

“Yes, we are,” he hurried to agree, hoping that Luigi would let go of the topic. To his utter relief, the older man did, beckoning them to follow him to their favorite table. “You must be hungry, I really should stop keeping you from enjoying a huge pizza!” he told himself off, pulling the chair for Erik before Marco had the chance to do it. Erik dropped down on his chair, his hand coming up to press itself against his stomach in a furtive gesture while he smiled at his husband who sat down opposite him. He feared that he wouldn't be able to swallow down one single bite, but he needed to eat something to keep up appearances, neither Marco nor Luigi wouldn't let him getting away with just drinking some water.

“We are a bit in a hurry, we want to watch a movie afterwards,” he told the Italian restaurateur, “is there something you can recommend tonight?”

Luigi beamed at him. “Of course, Erik, I can highly recommend the spaghetti with the prawns. Carlo outdid himself with this dish!”

Erik suppressed a sigh of relief. The portions were always huge, and Luigi wouldn't mind if he didn't empty his plate, which he would do when Erik didn't eat all of the pizza. “I'll take the spaghetti with the prawns, then. And apple spritzer as the drink,” he decided, and Luigi nodded, approvingly. “Good choice, my dear. And you, Marco? The same for you?”

Marco pursed his lips. “No, I'll take a coke and the pizza with mushrooms and salami. The middle-size.”

“Of course, Marco, as you wish. Your favorite, as always,” he smiled at them before finally leaving their table to order their dishes. Erik loosened his grip around his waist to take Marco's hand when his husband reached over the table. “You look a little bit pale, love,” the blond remarked, watching him, attentively, the expression of his beautiful amber-golden eyes full of love and concern. The stranger he had been only a two hours ago again had withdrawn, and the Marco Erik knew and loved was visible now, smiling tenderly at his younger spouse.

“That's maybe because of the light, Marco,” he tried to ease his beloved one's worries, because he didn't want to ruin the evening and Marco's mood. “Are you sure that's the only reason for your paleness?” he asked, gently squeezing Erik's cold fingers and proving to the brunet that he knew him well enough and hadn't lost his sensitivity when it came to the man he had sworn to love for the rest of his life.

“Yes, I am sure, babe. I'm only tired, training was straining and I miss our sweet son. I know that he has stayed overnight with Lukas and Matze before, but I can't help it.” Erik paused when Luigi brought their drinks, waiting for him to leave them alone before he continued. “It has been so long since we have last had some days for ourselves, I'm nervous, I guess. Only you and me, that's just...”

Marco lifted his hand up to his lips. “Yes, I know what you mean, love. I feel the same way. I am so happy that we'll have three days for ourselves, but I miss Dani and I'm asking myself if it wouldn't have been better to take Dani with us to Ludwigswinkel.”

Erik's smile was shaky but honest when he looked Marco deep in his eyes. “He will have more fun with Lukas in Phantasialand, visiting old castles and hiking through forests is nothing small boys find very exciting. I'm speaking from experience, believe me,” he joked, pulling the cheerful chuckle from his husband he had hoped he would evoke. “I guess you're right with that,” Marco nodded, grinning like a little rascal.

Erik grinned back, stroking over Marco's arm with his free hand. “Besides, I'm really looking forward to our weekend alone. Only you and me, that sounds like heaven to me,” he assured his husband, and to his own surprise, he meant what he had said, his homesickness and his fears having faded since they had entered the pizzeria.

Marco's eyes shone golden and he kissed Erik's fingers, one after the other without caring about the other guests darting curious glances at them now and then. “Yes, it sounds like heaven to me, too, love. I can't wait to climb into the Jaguar Marcel has rented for us and drive to our lovely holiday lodge with you. Only you and me and beautiful nature, peace and calmness, it will be wonderful, I know that.” The blond dropped his voice and smiled his special smile he only used when he wanted to seduce his young husband. “I plan to spend a lot of time with making love to you, not necessarily in our hopefully comfortable bed, babe,” he promised, and a shiver of anticipation ran down over Erik's spine. “I'd love that,” he admitted, hoarsely, his heart beating faster and his groin filling with blood. He shifted his weight because sitting with a hard-on wasn't so comfortable. Marco grinned when he noticed Erik's problems, winking at him with his left eye and kissing his fingertips once more.

They smiled at each other, both a little bit out of breath, and in this moment, Erik truly believed that they would make it, fight against Marco's depression and find their way back to a happy life.

Tomorrow, they would drive to his beloved home, the Pfälzer Wald and spend three hopefully carefree days there, and after this weekend, Erik would finally talk to Marco and tell him that he needed help.


	9. A Passionate Start Into The Weekend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik and Marco have gone out after saying goodbye to their son Dani. The next morning, their weekend starts. Will Marco like the holiday lodge Erik has found for them and will their arrival be a good one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a sweet one like I promised it, Erik and Marco are enjoying themselves for once. To describe the life with someone suffering from a depression (and with that the life of the depressed one itself) it is important to also write about the good times, because every depression has different phases and includes good times as much as the bad times. These ups and downs are what make their lives such a roller-coaster and unpredictable and also hard to for others to notice that something's seriously wrong.  
> I hope you will like this chapter, please keep up your wonderful support for this story and share your thoughts with me, it is what keeps me writing. <333

The holiday lodge was even more beautiful than it had already looked on the photos posted in the internet, and Erik fell in love with it right at first sight. The previous evening had been great, Marco had been loving and caring, kissing him and stroking him whenever he had had the opportunity to do so, and Erik had enjoyed sitting in the last row of seats in the dark cinema with his husband, furtively holding hands and watching a movie like in old times more than he could have imagined beforehand. They had been too tired to make love after coming home and had only snuggled close together, but Erik hoped that they would spend a lot of time with making love during the weekend, his desire for his husband as strong as it hadn't been in a very long time.

They had gotten up early this morning and finished packing their bags right in time when Marcel had rang the doorbell. Marco's best friend had proudly presented Erik the Jaguar he had managed to rent for them, and he had smiled reassuringly at Erik when he had handed him the key. “We'll talk when you're back again, Erik. Just promise me that you will enjoy yourselves, and please don't worry about Dani. Matze will take good care of him, I know that.”

Erik had smiled back at the man who knew his husband better than anyone else, most likely even better than he himself knew him. He had had reservations against him at the start of his relationship with Marco, and he knew that Marcel had always known that, but the shorter one had become a very good friend to him over the years, and Marcel had never held his reservations against him. “Yes, I know, Marcel, thank you. We will try to do our best to enjoy ourselves.”

Marcel had shaken his head and become serious. “Not only try, Erik, just do it. You'll need all of your strength in the near future, and having a carefree weekend is what both of you more than deserve. You're not alone in your fight, I'm on your side. We both love Marco in our own way and want to help him to overcome his depression. I have to admit that it has taken me a rather long time to realize what's going on and how serious Marco's problems actually are, because he has always managed to act almost normal in my presence, but I couldn't help but notice your problems, and our talk opened my eyes. I would never have thought that he has developed a depression, but now, it is clear to me.”

Erik had accepted Marcel's hidden apology without bearing a grudge against him. He had needed a long time to realize that Marco had developed a severe depression himself, and he knew that without Matze, it would have taken him much longer to find out the truth. Marco had reached true mastery in hiding his moods and his horrible tantrums when it came to others, especially his closest family and friends except for Erik and Dani, and he was simply grateful that he didn't need to fight this battle alone any longer.

“It's okay, Marcel, you don't need to apologize. Marco didn't want you to worry about him, and I don't think that he has realized himself that he's not only having bad days but suffering from a depression. The affected one oftentimes is the last to know, and he most likely feared that he would lose your friendship if he lived out his tantrums in front of you.”

“He would never lose my friendship because he's sick and needs help,” Marcel had sighed but nodded his head. “But I know what you mean. I was pretty dismayed when he came to me late in the evening after your big quarrel, I had never seen him like this beforehand, even not after the injury before the missed world championship.”

They had had to change the topic then, because Marco had joined them after finishing his phone-talk with Dani he had had after breakfast when Erik had opened the door. His husband had been all smiles and happy about the Jaguar, and his good mood had stayed after Marcel had left them and luckily even during the entire drive to Ludwigswinkel, miraculously without any traffic jam.

“What a wonderful place you have found here, love!” the blond exclaimed when they exited their rented cabriolet, looking around in awe and stepping closer to the beautiful house to peer through one of the windows. Erik heaved a relieved sigh, because his husband oftentimes found something to bother about where others would only be excited, but this time, he seemed to have actually done everything right with their temporary abode.

“I wouldn't have thought that this holiday lodge would be that charming,” he admitted, taking their bags to carry them to the house. They had stopped in Ludwigswinkel to get the key shortly ago, and when Marco saw him carrying the two bags at once, he hurried to come to him and take both. “Oh no, Erik, you won't carry anything. You've had a couple of straining weeks, I'm aware of that even though it didn't look as if I had noticed that you have been up early to make my days easier. I will indulge you this weekend and I want you to only enjoy our stay without having to do anything straining!”

Before the younger one knew what was happening to him, Marco had unlocked the door and guided him into the corridor, loaded with their bags and jackets. Erik couldn't do anything but obey and soon, he found himself standing in the middle of the bright living room furnished with comfortable sofas arranged around a wooden coffee table. The house even included a piano for those who could play it, and there was a fireplace to spend romantic evenings before a flickering fire. The sun was shining through the large window front with a glass door leading to the back porch, and Erik turned around his axis, a bright, happy smile plastered on his handsome features.

Marco's face showed a similar expression and his beautiful amber-golden eyes sparkled like Erik hadn't seen them sparkle in a very long time. He came closer to him, tenderly stroking Erik's with excitement flushed cheek. “What do you think about unpacking our bags later in the afternoon? It is such a wonderful day, and I want to make good use of our quality time together and spend the day with visiting some of these romantic old ruins and maybe,” his voice dropped to a soft, seductive purr, “find a place where we will be undisturbed and where I can show you how attractive you are?”

Erik blushed furiously by the older one's rather explicit words and his heated gaze, and Marco snickered, contentedly, pulling him close to claim his lips in a passionate kiss. His tongue seemed to be everywhere in Erik's mouth, licking and teasing and stroking, and Erik felt dizzy with all the emotions overwhelming him. He pulled at Marco's head, his hair, roughly and desperately, stumbling backwards to one of the couches. Marco growled, ardently, and almost shoved him down on it, his hands fumbling with the hem of Erik's shirt. They were both hard and aching, the huge bulge tenting Marco's jeans poking against Erik's hipbone proving to him that their problems hadn't diminished their desire and love for each other, only covered them for a while.

“Need you now!” Erik whimpered, and he would have been embarrassed how needy he sounded if he hadn't been as aroused as he was. Marco growled again, releasing his bruised lips to nip at his throat while he opened Erik's jeans and pushed his hand inside his briefs. Erik was halfway sitting and halfway lying on the couch, and his neck hurt from the rather uncomfortable position, but he didn't care because Marco's warm hand cupped his leaking erection now and it felt so good that he almost came just from the first touch.

“Ah, you want me really bad, don't you, babe?” Marco chuckled breathlessly at his damp throat, pulling his jeans and briefs over Erik's narrow hips with one single move and him further down until Erik was more lying than actually sitting. He climbed from the seat where he had straddled his aroused husband and knelt down before the younger one, taking his rock-hard cock into his mouth. Erik saw stars explode before his closed eyelids and his breathing was harsh and ragged as he struggled to last longer than only fifteen seconds, forgetting everything except for the hot waves of pure and raw lust shooting through his groin and along his spine. “Fuck, you're so good at that, love!” he groaned, and the next move of Marco's head pushed him over the edge without warning. His eager husband sucked him dry when he came hard, shooting his salty pleasure deep down his throat. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, oooohhh, don't stop!” Erik cried out, his hips shuddering violently through his mind-blowing orgasm. It was almost like it had been so many times when they had just come together, having sex everywhere and every time when they had five minutes alone together without caring about getting caught or keeping their love a secret although they had had to be much more careful back then.

When it was over, Erik lay there, limp and totally out of breath, and Marco covering him with his body and kissing him, tenderly and with so much love, felt like a true miracle after the rough weeks they had had. “Was it good?” he murmured at his lips, and Erik chuckled weakly. “Good? It was mind-blowing. Damn it, you really know how to do it!”

The blond pulled back a little bit to frown at him, playfully. “It took you that long to realize that? I can't have been really good, then!” he pouted, and Erik snickered again, pulling his head down for another sweet kiss. “You bet you were!” He felt lazy and limp, but he turned around with Marco until he was on top, fiddling with Marco's pants and underwear to pull it over his butt. His husband helped him, letting out a strangled groan when his erection was freed from the offending garment. Erik crawled downwards until he could return the favor and lavish attention on Marco's perfect dick the same way his beloved one had pleasure him, licking over the thick, throbbing vein on the underside of the hard shaft. “God, Erik!” The older one moaned, his fingers carding through Erik's soft light-brown hair. “Uuuuh, yes, just like that, oh that's...”

Erik bobbed his head up and down as if his life depended on it, determined to give his other half the best blow-job ever, and judging by the sounds Marco made, he wasn't so bad with his attempt to drive him crazy. The brunet swirled his tongue around the wet tip, dipping it into the sensitive slit and pulling more milky-white pleasure from it. The older one was pretty close, Erik hadn't forgotten how it felt when Marco was about to come. He relaxed his throat and swallowed him as deep as he could, hollowing his cheeks and sucking, forcefully. His husband cried out as he lost his battle almost instantly, feeding his spouse with his hot semen until Erik feared that he would choke on it. He didn't draw back though, swallowing every drop and licking Marco's softening member clean when the blond relaxed underneath him, sighing contentedly.

“Wow, you're not that bad at this, either,” Marco drawled when he had caught his breath again, chuckling when Erik tenderly punched his side. “What? I've just made you a compliment, haven't I?” he complained, pulling Erik up until he could kiss him. His gaze was sincere and honest when he looked up at him, stroking his cheek. “I love you, Erik, you know that, don't you? I know that I have been pretty unfair and grumpy lately, but I'm truly sorry for that and I promise you to not behave like that again in the future.”

Erik swallowed, because he could see that his husband was truly sorry about his behavior, but he also knew that Marco would behave like that in the future again, the stranger he would inevitably turn into because of his depression whenever he had another phase making him yell and shout at him the minute he had another fit of rage, no matter whether he wanted to behave like this or not.

But, this was nothing he wanted to think of during their weekend, and he surely wouldn't talk about it with his beloved husband within the next three days. Marco looked so utterly happy in this moment, the lines around his eyes softened and his mouth curled into his wonderful lopsided smile that made him look like a carefree little boy who had just smuggled a little puppy into his parents' house, hoping to get away with that and be allowed to keep it.

“Yes, I know that you love me and that you're sorry for your tempers. I love you, too, Marco. It has been hard for both of us, and I'm not angry with you. Let's just enjoy our time alone together and our weekend. You promised me to visit some old castles and maybe find a place where we can behave like horny teenagers?” he said with a wink, and Marco shook his head with a roll of his eyes. “And this after the blow-job I have given you!” he grinned, but Erik could see how pleased Marco felt about his strong desire for another passionate encounter with him.

Erik shut him up with a kiss, and when their tongues met, battling playfully for dominance, he swore to himself that he wouldn't let anything become between them during their three days in this wonderful house. He wouldn't let the stranger with the name depression win, not as long as he could still fight him.

For the next three days, it would be just Marco and him, just the two of them without any stranger, and they would be happy and fill their days with love and laughter, no matter what he had to do to let that happen.


	10. You're Not Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik and Marco have had a great start into their weekend and now, they want to visit Castle Trifels. What will happen when they meet a class of giggling teenagers on their hiking day there? Will Marco keep his calm or react annoyed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depression is a disease that can hit everybody regardless the circumstances they live in. There are people never becoming depressive although they have to face one blow of fate after the other, and other people living a good life in wealth and fame suffering deeply. Losing one's job, a beloved person or becoming physically sick (like cancer for example) of course can make someone develop a depression, and sportsmen have a high risk to develop a depression during their short but exhausting professional years or after their retirement. This chapter deals with this topic and with the importance of showing them that they are not forgotten.
> 
> I want to thank all of you for your wonderful feedback, it reassures me that I'm doing this right, a lot, please keep it up, every comment and kudo I get for this rather personal story means the world to me. <333

“Has this path always been that steep?” Erik panted one hour later when they climbed the trail up to Castle Trifels. He was out of breath and had to wipe the sweat from his forehead while Marco didn't seem to be much affected by the exertion. “You have been here much more oftentimes than me, if anyone should know that, then it would be you. Getting a little bit older, aren't we?” his husband only shrugged with a rather smug lopsided grin on his face.

Erik tried to scowl at him, but the drop of sweat stinging in his eye diminished the effect and only made Marco's grin become wider. The brunet knew that his problems came from all those sleepless nights when he had tossed and turned in his bed, worrying about Marco and their little family, and which cost him a fair amount of his strength and endurance. He had noticed his lack of them during the training sessions and their games, and of course, it also made him slower when it came to all the things he had to do at home like ironing laundry, cleaning their house and so on. No wonder that he was much more out of breath than Marco, who put his own workout before their daily issues and was content with letting Erik do most of them. Marco sometimes didn't sleep well, either, but he had much less problems with disturbed nights than his younger spouse, and he also arrogated the privilege of taking naps during the days and demanding considerate behavior from his husband and his son whenever it pleased him.

Needless to say that he accused Erik of being lazy and disinterested in their family when he did the same to get some rest and regain his strength.

Erik sighed and pushed the dark thoughts and the bitterness that had suddenly overcome him to the side. He had promised himself that he would enjoy their weekend together, and he would do that and not dwell in self-pity and the secret grudge he bore against his other half because of his selfishness sometimes.

“I'm sorry, babe, I didn't mean to tease you. This path is more than steep and you've had a couple of truly straining weeks, it's understandable that you are out of breath.” When Marco's cheeky grin turned into a honest smile and he offered him his hand, Erik took it and let himself be pulled up the last few meters they had to walk to step through the entrance to the proud castle. Marco payed the tickets and asked for the next guided tour. “You're lucky, it starts in about ten minutes, just wait by the palas, our guide will pick you up there!” the friendly women said, shooting curious glances forth and back between Marco and Erik. Erik could see that she tried to remember from where she knew their faces, but before she could ask them, Marco had taken his hand again and pulled him in the direction of the palas.

Erik could see a bunch of young teenagers already standing there, probably a class on their hiking day, and the young girls and boys of course started to whisper the minute they caught a glimpse of them. Marco ignored the giggling kids and leaned against the red stone of the old building a couple of meters away from the class, his shoulders suddenly tensed and stiff, and Erik felt his mood drop again. His husband had never had any problems with fans or giving autographs, but that had changed after his retirement due to his depression, and the younger one could only hope that the teenagers would leave them alone. It had happened before that fans had asked him for an autograph but not Marco, which had hurt him even though he had said nothing, and Erik really didn't want that today of all days.

Not after their wonderful start into their weekend. He closed his eyes for one moment, leaning against the wall next to Marco, but the shy female voice speaking up beside them made him open his eyes again.

“Mr. Reus? We don't want to be impudent, but would you perhaps give us an autograph, please?” Two young girls had approached them, clinging to a notepad pressed against their breasts as if they were their lifelines, looking at his handsome husband with big, pleading eyes. The taller one had short brown hair and chewed nervously on her lip, while the shorter one with long dark-blond hair hesitantly put out her hand holding the notepad and a pencil.

Erik shot a quick look at his spouse, and the expression on Marco's face almost let tears well up in his eyes as he realized that he hadn't really understood until this moment what Marco's retirement had actually meant for his husband, and his knees buckled with relief and gratitude that the girls had asked Marco for an autograph at first and not him.

The ex-footballer smiled at the two girls, taking the notepad and the pencil. “Of course, my dear. What's your name?” he asked, gently, and the girl beamed at him. “My name is Carolin, and this is my friend Lena.”

Marco nodded, scribbling something onto the notepad before handing it back to Carolin and taking the one Lena now offered to him. Erik could see how excited the two girls were that their idol had not only written his name onto the sheet, but also a few kind words, and he was pretty sure that this notepad would be kept on a special, secret place somewhere in their rooms after the girls' return to their homes. Lena cleared her throat, gazing at Erik from underneath her eyelashes. “Mr. Durm, would you perhaps give us an autograph, too?”

Erik nodded with a smile. “Of course, Lena, it would be my pleasure.” He took the pad and the pencil and wrote: _'For Lena from Erik Durm, in remembrance of a sunny day on Castle Trifels. Erik Durm.'_

Carolin's face was suffused with pure bliss when he wrote the same for her, and when Marco winked at them with a grin and said: “You have surely brought your smartphones with you, what about taking a picture?” Erik was sure that the young teenagers were about to faint because of their excitement.

Erik chuckled when he saw happy disbelief written all over the faces of the pretty girls, volunteering to take the pictures with Marco in the middle, his arms wrapped around Carolin's and Lena's shoulders. Both girls looked at the blond ex-footballer in awe, beaming into the camera when Erik asked them to say “Cheese!”

They had just finished taking the pictures with Erik and the girls when their tour guide arrived, and Lena and Carolin hopped back to their class with red cheeks. Erik was pretty sure that their classmates were angry with themselves now that they hadn't had the guts to ask for autographs themselves as he followed the guide inside the palas but maybe, there would be the opportunity for that later after the tour. Marco walking behind him was still smiling, happily, and if taking pictures with teenagers still admiring him made his husband happy, giving him the feeling of being important and valued even after his retirement, then Erik would be more than happy to do that and wait for their time alone for a while longer.

The brunet blindly searched for Marco's hand while he listened to the explanations of their female guide, and when Marco took it and squeezed it, gently, Erik smiled at him, not caring about others seeing how much he loved him. Marco was his husband in good and in bad times, and Erik would never be ashamed of their love, no matter what others said.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Two hours later, they sat in a nice restaurant to enjoy a late lunch, tired from the long drive, the long tour and the long time it had taken to give each pupil an autograph and take pictures with them after the tour, but Erik felt happy and content, and he could see that Marco felt the same way about their pleasant morning.

“You made them happy, Marco,” he now said, sipping from his water. The older one tried to look nonchalant, but Erik could see how touched he still felt that the teenagers had treated him as if he were still an active player and their idol. The teacher of the surprisingly well-behaved kids had told them that a lot of his pupils, the male ones as much as the female ones, played football themselves, and Erik had promised him to see to tickets for the next away match in Mainz for them. This had made the teenagers scream and shout, and Erik had still a silent ringing tone in his right ear because of that, but seeing Marco proudly sitting in the middle of the happily shouting kids had been worth it, even more because Marco had actually promised to sit together with them during the match.

Erik could only hope that Klopp would let him play in Mainz at least for a few minutes, and he was determined to give more than his best during the next training sessions to let that happen.

“You made them happy with the tickets, Erik,” his husband now replied, stroking with his thumb over the back of his hand. Marco's gaze was tender and Erik's heart made a happy flip. “It wasn't only the tickets, love,” he objected. “The prospect of you sitting with them during the game excited them. I have to admit that I can only pull my hat before Mr. Leidinger, I wished that Dani's teacher would be only half as caring and willing to do something extraordinary for her class as he is.”

Marco nodded. “Yes, Mr. Leidinger is surely an uncommon teacher. I don't think that Mrs. Kurz would even think of spending a Saturday afternoon in a stadium with her class. I have to admit that I am looking forward to it.” He smiled, but a melancholy expression had stolen itself into his amber-golden eyes. “I would never have thought that they would want an autograph from me, too. After all, I'm not an active player any longer.”

Erik squeezed his hand. “You will always be one of the greatest and most famous footballers in Germany, Marco. Your retirement didn't change that.”

Marco cocked his head to the side, and Erik could see mistrust in his look for the tiniest of a moment. “You are not angry that Lena and Carolin asked me for an autograph before they asked you?”

Erik shook his head without hesitation. “No, love, why should I be angry? I would have asked you at first, as well, if I had been in their shoes. You have been the one shooting us to the championship last season before you have retired, and I am still so proud of you because of that!”

“You are?” Marco's gaze became dark with new desire. “What do you think of hurrying with our lunch? I want to be alone with you!” he murmured, seductively.

Erik pulled his hand back to take the fork. Marco grinned when he saw the slight trembling, and he looked around to check if anyone was watching them before he furtively leaned over the table to whisper: “I plan to park with you somewhere in the forest and fuck you against the trunk of a tree.”

Erik felt himself blush, furiously, and he almost choked on his chicken steak. “Marco!” was all he could croak out, but his husband only snickered. “Don't pretend that I shocked you. I know that you like that!”

Erik couldn't deny the truth of Marco's words, but he decided to glare at the smug blond, nonetheless. “Just finish your lunch then, will you?” he said, and Marco snickered again, taking his own fork to do as Erik had told him, his heated gaze with the secret promise to indulge him as soon as they would leave the restaurant in it never leaving Erik's face as he emptied his plate.

 

*~*~*~*

 

“Ooooohh, Marco, please stop teasing me!” Erik heard himself whining one hour later. He had nursed a hard-on ever since Marco's hoarsely whispered words, and finishing their lunch and finding a place where they could park the precious car had seemed to take an eternity. Luck had stayed on their side, though, because Marco had actually found a rather big trail leading into the thick forest, and the blond had parked the car on a spot where the trail had widened to a half-round.

They both had known that it was risky to park there and do what they wanted to do, but Erik had been far too aroused to really care about the consequences of their behavior. He had felt as young and carefree as he hadn't felt in a rather long time when he had followed his husband carrying a woolen blanket he had brought with him deeper into the forest, only asking his grinning spouse with a raised eyebrow: “You had planned this, hadn't you?”

“Of course, I've told you that I wanted to do that with you. Have you really thought that I had been only kidding?” Marco had only thrown over his shoulder, and this had shut up Erik, effectively.

The obviously rather new and surprisingly stable high seat they had found had caused Marco to change plans, and Erik was now kneeling on the blanket on the bench of the high seat with Marco standing behind him, teasing him with short thrusts as he drove into him again and again.

“Why should I?” Marco panted, tightening his grip around Erik's hips. “You will come with the first hit against your sweet spot, I can feel that. But, I want to enjoy this for a while longer, so no, I won't stop teasing you.”

“But I really need to come!” Erik complained, bracing his hands against the wooden wall of the high seat to not lose his balance. He had already gotten a splinter, but he cared about that as little as he cared about the possibility to get caught by hikers or a forester. All he cared about was his rock-hard cock and his poor balls that would turn blue any time soon if Marco kept going on like this, arousing him without letting him come.

“And you will come, don't worry, babe, just a little while longer.” Marco's words sounded strangled, and he was incredibly hard himself as he now picked up the pace and pushed into Erik's quivering hole faster and harder.

“M-Maarcoo!” Erik almost sobbed, because his annoying husband knew him by heart after all those years and he had reached true mastery in avoiding his most sensitive spot on purpose. “P-pple—aseee!” The older one chuckled, breathlessly. “You'd better be quiet, my sweet Erik, we don't want anybody coming here to look what's wrong, do we?” he asked, and Erik suppressed his next strangled cry with effort.

After a few more teasing thrusts that made him moan and gasp with frustration, Marco finally took pity on him, changing his angle and loosening his grip around Erik's sweaty hip to wrap his fingers around his throbbing cock instead. Erik bit down on his lip to keep himself from making too much noise, and when Marco started to batter his prostate in earnest and stroke up and down on his aching manhood, Erik lasted only five more seconds before he exploded with pure bliss, shooting his overwhelming pleasure all over Marco's hand and against the trunks building the wooden wall of the high seat. “Aaaah, Marco!” he ground out, his whole body shaking with the force of his orgasm, and Marco spurting his seed against his clenching walls boosted his ecstasy to incredible heights.

“Fuck, Erik, yes!” His husband voiced his own release with a curse, pushing into him one last time before he stilled his movements to savor the subsiding waves of his climax and dwell in the warm afterglow of complete satisfaction.

Erik slumped forward with a sigh as he tried to get his breathing back under control, and he was grateful for the older one gently bringing his clothing back into order after cleaning him up as best as possible under the current circumstances. He let Marco pull him up from the hard bench, groaning when his knees protested after the long kneeling, and he wrapped his arms around the man who was still able to take his breath away and turn him into a moaning mess, no matter how big their problems might be.

“I love you, Erik,” the blond whispered gently into his ear, the predatory look he had had in his eyes ever since their lunch replaced by love and tenderness. He kissed him, and Erik melted against him and whispered back: “I love you, too, Marco. That was awesome.”

“I'm glad to hear that. We should really do that more oftentimes!” he said with a wink, and Erik snickered, happily, stealing another kiss from him. “I'm done for today,” he then admitted. “Can we please return to the boathouse? I need a shower and some time out.”

Marco folded the blanket and helped him from the high seat. “Of course, love, I would be grateful for that, too.” He took Erik's hand and together, they made their way back to their car, smiling at each other and giggling like two young teenagers the entire time.

The sun was shining through the green leaves of the huge trees, birds were singing in the sky, and the whole atmosphere was peaceful and calming. Erik felt as happy and carefree as he hadn't felt in a very long time and when he looked at Marco, he could see a small smile softening his features.

Maybe, his depression wasn't as severe as he had first thought, maybe, it would be easier for them to overcome this horrible disease than he had first thought. But, this wasn't something he wanted to think about right now, all Erik wanted to do was to enjoy their weekend and make sure that the smile would stay on Marco's face for the rest of it.


	11. Just You And Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik and Marco enjoy their weekend together, visiting castles and being just the two of them, Marco and Erik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last peaceful chapter, the next one will be rather stormy again. It didn't turn out the way I had actually planned it, but I think it is better this way, a little bit wistful and melancholy, but still filled with love and hope. The only forseeable about depression is the unpredictable, the stranger appearing out of the blue and disappearing just as fast again, so the ones living with someone suffering from a depression have to be on alert the entire time.  
> This is the hardest part these ups and downs with high speed, and I do hope that I can show the problems in an appropriate and understandable way. Please let me know if that's so and keep up your wonderful support, it is the only thing keeping me writing this story. <333
> 
> The Old Boathouse I chose to be Erik's and Marco's holiday lodge truly exists, you can google it under 'Altes Bootshaus, Ludwigswinkel', and there are pictures of 'Castle Trifels' and 'Castle Madenburg', just look into my work: 'The Treasure Of Castle Trifels', I have posted photos of both castles there. :-)

Erik woke up alone in their bed the next morning, stretching his limbs like a contented tomcat. He didn't need to ask himself where his husband was, the tempting smell of freshly brewed coffee and scrambled eggs wafting through the Old Boathouse and tickling his nose.

The young defender sighed, enjoying the peaceful morning without any duties awaiting him for a while with closed eyes while he remembered the previous afternoon and evening. After coming home from their trip to Caste Trifels and the more than pleasant activities on the high stand, they had taken a nap curled up on the two sofas, and Erik had fallen into a deep and refreshing slumber, for the first time in weeks and without any nausea torturing him. When he had woken up again, he had found his husband busied in the kitchen, whistling a cheerful melody.

His other half had gotten up, silently, while he had still been sound asleep, and he had driven to the near supermarket to buy some things for their dinner. They had agreed to having lunch in a restaurant, but taking dinner at their holiday lodge, and Marco had found a small booth on his way where they had sold fresh potatoes, strawberries and asparagus. When Erik had entered the kitchen, the blond had already started to prepare dinner consisting of asparagus, bacon and the most delicious baked potatoes Erik had ever tasted in his entire life.

After getting married and adopting a child, Marco had wanted to learn how to cook, properly, and he had reached true mastery when it came to that. But, after his retirement, Marco had started to cook less and less, and within the past few months, Erik had been the one doing all the cooking himself except for a few times when Marco had had one of his rare good days.

Erik had simply stood there for some time, watching his beautiful husband slicing the potatoes and peeling the asparagus, and his heart had beaten faster with joy and gratitude about their first truly peaceful day in weeks.

The really difficult thing about their daily life was the way Marco's moods changed from being the overprotecting and caring husband and father to the stranger yelling and shouting at Dani and Erik himself. One minute, he told Erik to sit down and take some rest and the next one, he screamed that his husband was lazy and let him do all of the daily duties all alone instead of helping him doing them. It wasn't the truth, but Marco refused to see the things Erik did every day.

But the previous day, the stranger had disappeared and only the wonderful Marco Erik had fallen in love with had been there, cooking for him, smiling at him and showering him with compliments the entire day.

After dinner, they had cuddled up together and watched an old and truly corny movie, kissing and stroking each other tenderly, and when they had called it a night and snuggled close under the covers of their cozy bed, another round of passionate lovemaking had followed with Erik on top this time. This was something his husband hadn't allowed him to do ever since he had become depressive, and Erik had savored his first time on top to the fullest and made sure that the older one was completely satisfied at the end.

Erik opened his eyes and shifted his weight so he could look out of the window. The sun was already shining, promising another wonderful day. The brunet slowly sat up, stretching his limbs again. He felt fresh and cheerful, eager to start the day and climb another steep path together with the man he loved, and he got up to take a quick shower and join his spouse at the breakfast table.

When he entered the dining room where Marco had set up the table, the older one was just putting the pot with the coffee onto it. “Good morning, sleepy head, I hope you're hungry!” the blond greeted him with a tender kiss. Erik smiled at him and kissed him back, sniffing the air. “Hm, you're spoiling me! Good morning, love. You should have waken me up, it would have been my turn this morning!”

Marco shook his head, pulling the chair for him. “Oh no. I told you that I would spoil you this weekend and that I wouldn't let you do anything straining.”

Erik sat down, his cheeks blushing slightly. “Making breakfast is hardly straining,” he objected, but without much emphasis.

“Yes, it is. I hope you slept well after all the straining things we've done yesterday.” he waggled his eyebrows, meaningfully, and Erik's blush deepened. “Yes, I slept well, thank you,” he murmured, feeling rather shy and embarrassed all of a sudden. Making love hadn't been on their agenda a lot of times, lately, quite the opposite, apart from a few times, they had hardly kissed each other like couples in love did with tongues and teeth, and Erik had somehow forgotten how it felt to share intimacy with Marco without getting shy about it.

“Is everything okay, babe?” Marco reached over the table to take his hand. Erik gazed at him from underneath his eyelashes. “Yes, it is. It's only that I'm still a little bit embarrassed about what we have done yesterday. I mean, we're not teenagers anymore. We are married and fathers, and it has been a very long time since we've last 'parked' somewhere or done it in public.”

Marco grinned. “A high stand deep in the forest can hardly be called a public place, but I know what you mean. I have to admit that I sometimes miss the times when it had been just the two of us. Don't get me wrong, I really love Dani with all my heart, but now and then, I feel as if everything is getting too much, all the responsibility, work, the daily duties, seeing to our son with all the things like visiting the doctor on a regular basis, the parents' days in school and so on. Sometimes, I ask myself if I am actually ready for all of this. Maybe, we should have waited with adopting a child...” his voice trailed off, and Erik could see that the older one expected him to get angry.

Erik didn't, though. He had expected Marco saying something like this sooner or later, and he was simply glad that he finally talked about his feelings without yelling or shouting. It hurt, of course, because Marco had always been the one wanting to adopt a child, more than Erik had wanted it at the beginning. Now, their roles were changed, Erik being the one so happy about their sweet son while Marco oftentimes behaved as if Dani were only a burden and a troublemaker. The younger one knew that this was because of Marco's depression but, he couldn't help but ask himself now and then if this was truly the only reason for Marco's tantrums and the way he treated the small boy.

“It has been hard for both of us, lately, Marco. And yes, sometimes I miss those times, as well,” he admitted, not because he wasn't happy about Dani being their son, but because every parent felt this way from time to time. It had nothing to do with not loving one's children enough, but only with all the worries and responsibilities pressing down hard on young parents' shoulders most of the times.

“I'm glad that you understand me, babe,” Marco smiled, taking his fork. “What do you think about enjoying the breakfast I've made for you before it gets cold?” Erik picked up his own one with a nod. “I think that this is a very good idea, because it smells more than delicious. I'm still wallowing in the memory of your baked potatoes yesterday,” he praised his proud husband, taking a fork full of the scrambled eggs. “Hm, the eggs are just as delicious as the potatoes have been. Enjoy your meal, Marco!”

The older one was obviously pleased by his husband's compliments about his cooking skills. “Enjoy your meal yourself, babe,” he said, stroking over Erik's fingers before shutting himself up with eggs and a bite of the buns he must have bought this morning. For a while, they ate in silence, and Erik relaxed, banishing any worried or dark thought from his mind. Today, he would enjoy another hiking tour to one of the many old ruins in his beloved home and tomorrow, they would drive back to Dortmund around noon and pick up their sweet son from Matze, but until then, it would be only the two of them, only Erik and Marco and no one else.

 

*~*~*~*

 

“What a wonderful view!” Marco exclaimed two hours later when they had climbed the steep path leading to Castle Madenburg. They had taken their time and Erik wasn't as out of breath as he had been the previous day, and he chuckled, cheerfully, when Marco turned into a little boy and started to explore each room of the old and damaged but still very impressive masonry. They took turns with taking pictures, and when two older men approached them to ask for autographs for their grandsons, they sat together with them and on the bench before the small tavern that belonged to the castle, drinking coffee and talking about football with them. Erik did notice the hidden glances of the two friends in their late sixties, but neither Hans, nor Ludwig how they had introduced themselves earlier, said anything disrespectful about the fact that Erik and Marco were married and didn't hide their tender and loving glances from them.

“We were sad when we heard that you wanted to retire, Marco,” Ludwig said, “but it is always better to do that willingly instead of being forced to do it because there is no strength left after several injuries.”

Erik tensed up, hiding his face behind his mug, but Marco didn't seem to mind the topic. He only nodded his head, thoughtfully. “Yes, it was hard for me, but my ankle simply couldn't take it anymore. My last season showed me very clearly that I couldn't keep up with the younger players when it came to speed and fitness, and only my experience saved me from having had to stay behind. I was sad, but it was for the better. I'm the co-trainer of the A-youth-team of the BVB now, and it is a wonderful job. Not comparable to being an active player, but it is satisfying in another kind of way. I'm actually working on getting my trainer license, even though it is very straining with all of my other duties, but maybe, I'll get the chance to become a trainer in the Bundesliga one day.”

Ludwig and Hans looked properly impressed. “You will be a great trainer, I'm sure, Marco!” Hans spoke up, smiling brightly at the blond ex-footballer. “We need such experienced players like you as trainers and most of all, we need trainers who have stayed in Germany during their career and who know the Bundesliga by heart!”

Erik flinched by that, because they were already approaching dangerous terrain, but Marco looked flattered. “Uhm, thank you, I'll do my very best,” he said, stroking absentmindedly over Erik's fingers clenched around his napkin. “Dortmund has always been my home, and I never felt the urge to leave and seek my luck in the wide world. Maybe, this was a mistake, but I have always been happy there and I never missed anything.” He smiled apologetically at the two men. “Unfortunately, Erik and I have to leave, we want to visit at least two other castles today.”

The young defender stood up together with his husband, hiding his relief and smiling at the two friendly men, as well. As much as he liked to talk with fans and learn more about the reasons why they supported one club or the other, but he really wanted to spend the day alone with Marco without having to be considerate of others the entire time. He was so grateful for Marco's good mood and his revived spirits, and he really didn't want to risk one of his sudden mood changes and another tantrum which Marco would take out on him later on when they were alone again without any witnesses.

They said goodbye to Ludwig and Hans, leaving Castle Madenburg and strolling back to their cabriolet. The beeping sound of his smartphone announcing an incoming message made Erik flinch, because he had almost forgotten that he had one. They had talked to Dani the previous day before their son had gone to bed, and Matze had sent him a message this morning before they had left Dortmund to drive to Phantasialand.

“What's wrong?” Marco asked, peering over his shoulder.

“Nothing.” Erik fumbled for his phone in the pocket of his jeans jacket, almost dropping it because of his sudden worry that something had happened to their beloved baby.

The message included a picture showing Lukas and Dani in front of Matze with beaming faces, each of the boys carrying a huge plushy. Erik swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat when he looked at the little face of his beloved son, Dani's eyes shining with utter happiness. His plushy was a giant dinosaur, a t-Rex, and Erik actually found the beast pretty ugly to look at, but Daniel pressed it against his small chest with pure bliss, and as long as their wonderful son loved his dinosaur, Erik would welcome the new member of their household and assure the boy that his t-Rex was the most beautiful dinosaur in the entire world without really having to lie to his boy, because everything making Dani happy also made Erik himself happy.

“Urgh, what a beast! It's not as if Dani didn't have enough plushies!” Marco stated, but Erik scowled at him. “It's his first visit in Phantasialand, of course he needs a reminder of this day!” he said with a frown, and Marco sighed in defeat. “Yes, of course, but a smaller reminder would have fulfilled such a purpose just as nicely!”

“Obviously not in Dani's opinion,” Erik murmured, reading the message Matze had written them. _“We are more than fine and enjoying the day here in Phantasialand, we hope you're doing the same in your old ruins!”_

Erik quickly typed back a rather cheerful message, ignoring the wave of homesickness for their son threatening to crush him. It wasn't right that Dani's first visit in Phantasialand was with Matze and Lukas instead of his fathers, but Marco had started to hate and avoid such crowded places when he had become sick, and Erik knew better than to risk his husband yelling at them in the middle of a large theme park with hundreds of people watching them, greedily. Normally, Marco was very careful to keep up appearances and not draw attention when it came to his fits and mood changes, but the prospect of being yelled at for hours after coming home from such an exhausting day was even worse, and before Marco's retirement, Dani had been too small for such a visit.

Marco had wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, ignoring the frown and the raised eyebrows he had earned from a middle-aged couple crossing their way with that. He now kissed Erik's cheek, sighing again. “I miss Dani so much,” he said, his voice sounding wistfully. Erik swallowed. “Yes, me too. But, he has definitely more fun in Phantasialand than he could ever have had here with us. You won't tell him off because of this beast, do you hear me?”

Marco turned him around to kiss him, properly, chuckling when he saw Erik's strict face. “I knew it that you find this t-Rex just as ugly as I do, but don't worry, babe. I know that I have been pretty unfair to Dani lately, and I won't say anything against this – hm – truly unique plushy. If Dani needs it to be happy, then so be it. But this beast won't sleep in his bed, because I don't want to wake up from his screams when he finds a giant t-Rex looming over him in the middle of the night, even though it might be only a plushy.”

Erik snickered, a huge rock falling from his shoulders. “I don't want to risk that, either, love,” he grinned. “We will find a place for his new friend where both will be safe, I'm sure about that. Maybe, 'Rexi' can spend the nights in our rocking chair, he would be comfortable there without disturbing our sweet son's sleep.”

His husband rolled his eyes at that. “'Rexi'?! Honestly, you're such a child yourself sometimes, Erik!” he groaned, but Erik could see the smile lurking in his eyes.

The younger one put his phone back into his pocket to take the hand of his beloved one again. “Yes, I am, and you already knew that when you asked me to marry you, so stop complaining!” he said, smiling at him with big, puppy eyes. Marco shook his head, but stole another kiss from him.

“Yes, I knew that, one of the reasons why I love you so much, Erik.” His voice was serious now, and Erik's heart missed a beat when he saw the love and the desire in the amber-golden eyes of his husband. “Alright, which castle now?” Marco then asked, starting to walk again. “Maybe a smaller one without visitors? I really would like to indulge you again!”

Erik had to admit that this sounded like a very good idea, and he already had an idea which castle would be the best choice for that. They would have to drive a little longer for that, but the outcome would hopefully be worth it. “I'll tell you which castle I have in mind when we're back at our car,” he promised, winking at the blond with his right eye.

Marco's eyes lit up, and he sped up until they were almost running down the path they had climbed in a much slower pace only one and half an hour ago. Erik hurried to follow him because Marco still pulled at his hand and together, they made their way downwards the steep hill, snickering and giggling like two carefree teenage boys on a school trip.

The sun was shining and the day was still young enough to enjoy it and make the best out of it. Tomorrow, they would return to their daily life routine and all of their work, troubles and issues, but today, it was only the two of them, and Erik was determined to let it stay that way: only Marco and him and no one else, especially not the depression turning his husband into a stranger within the blink of an eye.

Today, he would show Marco how much he still loved him and maybe, his husband would remember that after their return and fight this fight together with Dani and him, after all, hope is the last thing to die.


	12. From The Highest Mountain Into The Deepest Valley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The happy and carefree weekend Erik and Marco have spent together is over now, and reality comes back with violent force. Erik can see how the stranger slowly regains control of his husband, Marco still keeping control of his emotions while they pick up Dani from Matze's house, but he knows what's awaiting them as soon as they'll get home, and he knows that there is nothing he can do about Marco becoming this stranger again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first, I wanted to go straight to the point where Erik and Marco are back at home, but I wanted to show how Erik feels about the inevitable awaiting him, his despair when he watches the man he loves slowly but unstoppable turning into the stranger again without any chance to avoid that. This helplessness is one of the worst things about this disease, and I don't want to leave it out. It might not be as sensational to write about that as jumping from one 'event' to the next one would be and some of you might find this slow build boring or unnecessary, but to really understand the severeness and horror of this terrible disease, it is crucial to not leave gaps between the happenings and I feel bound to writing about this topic with the appropriate care instead of just making a sensational or imprecise and fictious fanfiction out of it.  
> The news about the suicide of the former trainer of Bayer Leverkusen, Sascha Lewandowski, really threw me off, I didn't know him, of course, and I don't know anything about the reasons why he found himself incapable of enduring life any longer, but it reminded me painfully of Robert Enke's suicide years ago and of the taboo depression still is in the world of sports, as much as homosexuality. No one should have to suffer in silence and secrecy as much as they obviously did until they couldn't stand it anymore and decided to end their misery, and I can only hope that this little story of mine, based upon my own experiences, will help those who read it to a better understanding about this disease and might hopefully even lead to the ones suffering and needing help finding the support, help and love they need.  
> I want to thank all of you reading this story and supporting it with kudos and comments from the bottom of my heart, words can't describe how much each kudo and comment mean to me. <333

The rest of the Saturday went by with more hiking and old castles, and Marco kept his promise and indulged Erik once more, pulling him into a secret corner between the ruins of Castle Drachenfels and kissing him senseless while stroking Erik's throbbing cock until he spilled all over his husband's clever fingers with a strangled gasp.

In the evening, Marco cooked for him again, a delicious risotto this time, and Erik enjoyed their precious time together with every fiber of his being. They went to bed rather early, too exhausted for sex, but the cuddling and kissing that lulled both of them quickly into sleep was full of love and tenderness, Marco whispering sweet words into Erik's ear until the brunet's lids dropped and he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

They slept long the next morning, and Erik woke up to the feeling of cheeky lips traveling over his neck and his cheek. The soft moan escaping his own lips made him open his eyes and turn around in Marco's arms holding him, and they spent one more hour in bed, wide awake this time and dwelling in the opportunity of being able to make a lot of loud noise while they slept with each other, passionately, knowing that they were alone and no one would hear them, especially not their sweet, little son.

After breakfast, they packed their bags and got ready for their departure, and Erik suddenly felt a lump in his throat because he didn't want to leave the charming old boathouse which had become some kind of shelter for him over the past three days. Marco had been his old self again, no stranger lurking behind the genuine smiles his husband had gifted him with so oftentimes.

Marco seemed to feel the same way, because he sighed, wistfully, when they locked the door. “I hope that we can come back here with Dani next summer, I really loved it here,” he said, and Erik nodded his head with a heavy heart. “Yes, the last two days have been wonderful and this holiday lodge is beautiful. Maybe, we can fix a week or so for the next summer vacations. I'm sure that Dani would love it here, too. He will be older, then, and maybe, he will find old castles more interesting and enjoy exploring them, then. We could even take Lukas with us, so he would have a friend to play with between the old ruins.”

Marco kissed him and took their bags. “That's a great idea. Come on, babe, let's drive home and pick our baby up. I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.”

Erik smiled shakily, turning around one last time to silently say goodbye to their holiday lodge. “Yes, love, me too. Let's go back to our sweet son,” he then said to Marco, following him to their Jaguar cabriolet to drive back to Dortmund.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Their luck ran out on the motorway, a horrible car accident causing a huge traffic jam that kept them trapped for almost two hours. Marco's lips became thinner and thinner with his rising anger, and Erik made himself as small on the passenger's seat as only possible, trying to ignore the blond's swearing and cursing.

They stopped for a quick lunch at a service plaza, and Erik was relieved when Marco found at least some of his spirits again after having filled his stomach. The rest of their journey back to Dortmund was better and with only a minor traffic jam, and when they reached Matze's house, Erik couldn't wait to see Dani and bury his nose in their son's fragrant hair.

Dani was bound up in his play with Lukas when Erik and Marco entered Lukas' room, and he didn't even look up at first, making roaring sounds and letting his huge t-Rex gallop forward to fight with Lukas' triceratops-plushy.

“Dani, we're back! How long do you want to let us wait?” Marco said, his voice sounding more than only slightly annoyed, and Erik bit his lip to keep himself from snapping at his other half. Before his depression, Marco had been the patient one, knowing how important Dani's games were for their small boy, but over the last months, he had lost his patience and pulled their son out of his own little world every time he was absorbed in it, rudely and without any consideration of Dani's needs and feelings.

Dani looked up from his plushy and Erik could see several emotions flicker over his pretty little face. Several months ago, it would have been joy and happiness only, and the boy would have jumped to his feet to throw himself into his fathers' arms without hesitation. But now, his joy and happiness were mixed with doubts and even fear for two or three seconds, and Dani rose to his feet, slowly, stepping a little bit closer to them as he waited for Marco or Erik to open their arms for him.

“Paps, daddy, you're back!” he exclaimed, and his voice finally sounded as happy as Erik had longed for it to sound by their reunion. “Yes, we're back, darling. We've missed you so much!” he said, kneeling down and opening his arms for Dani. The boy hesitated one more second before he suddenly jumped forward, knocking the feet from underneath Erik with his boisterous hug. Erik landed on his fundament with a loud “uff!” and with Dani on top of him, pressing their son against his chest. “Missed you, baby,” he whispered into his tousled hair, dabbing kisses on every spot of Dani's face within his lips' reach.

“Missed you, too, daddy!” Dani shouted, wriggling himself out of Erik's tight embrace to look up at his older father far too soon for Erik's liking. Marco still stood there with his arms folded before his chest, a frown creasing his forehead. Dani swallowed, smiling shyly at the blond. “I've missed you, paps, did you miss me, too?” he asked, his voice trembling slightly because Marco didn't open his arms for him right away.

Erik still sitting on the carpet balled his fists, praying silently for Marco to not turn into the stranger now of all times, his eyes darting to Lukas who watched them with big eyes, chewing on his lips, crouched on the floor with his triceratops-plushy shielding him. Marco's face softened a little bit, and he eventually knelt down and embraced Dani, tightly. “You bet I've missed you, darling. Sorry, little one, we have been stuck in a horrible traffic jam for two hours, and driving here was straining,” he offered something like an apology, but Erik could see that his mouth was still pressed to a thin line.

“That's bad, paps. Matze helped me to pack my bag, we can go home now!” Dani said, craning his neck to look at his friend. Erik could see that their son would have liked to stay for a while longer, and he decided to risk Marco's anger and opened his mouth to speak before he could change his mind again. “Why don't you finish your game with Lukas, darling? Your Rexi surely was about to attack the triceratops, wasn't he?” the brunet asked with a wink, and Dani's and Lukas' happy shouts of joy proved to him that he had at least made the two boys happy with his offer. His husband was a different kind of matter, though, his jaw working as he fought down a harsh objection only with effort.

“Yes, why not, Dani? Defeat this triceratops!” he only said, turning around on his heels. “But don't make it too long!” Erik bit his lips and rose to his feet to follow the blond out of Lukas' room to join Matze and his wife Linda waiting for them in the living room. He had seen the table being set up there with coffee for them, and Linda's hopeful glance hadn't been lost on him, either, another reason for his decision to stay for a while longer. It would have been incredible impolite to just pick Dani up after the weekend and Matze and Linda having taken care of Dani and visited the theme park with him, and even though Marco obviously didn't care much about social contacts and friends any longer, but Erik still did, and Matze was his best friend and his wife Linda a wonderful and warmhearted person who didn't deserve to be treated this way. He suppressed a sigh and held his head up high, smiling as he entered the living room. His breather was over, Erik knew that, but, he should have expected that, and the young defender kept up appearances and the smile on his face, sitting down on the comfortable couch and thanking Linda when she offered him a mug with coffee, his heart heavy, but his face controlled and with a cheerful expression plastered all over it.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Marco was all smiles and politeness just like Erik had expected it, because Marco never showed the face of the stranger in public, suppressing his anger and rage astonishing well. Erik knew from what Jürgen had mentioned during their talk that his husband sometimes let slip the mask when it came to his work as the co-trainer of the A-youth team, but he never lost control like he did with his family in private, then.

“Thank you, Linda,” he said when Matze's wife handed him his mug, sipping from the delicious brew. Erik's stomach had tied itself into the aching knot again, but he followed the older one's example, not wanting to offend his friends or involving them in their own problems. Matze knew about Marco's depression, but Erik didn't know what his friend had told his wife, probably not much, and this was neither the place, nor the time to start with revealing the severeness of Marco's state.

“I hope that Dani didn't strain you too much, we will of course pay for the t-Rex,” he said instead, and Linda smiled at him. “Oh no, Erik, Dani is such a lovely and well-behaved boy, it is always a pleasure to have him here. We had great fun in Phantasialand, and Lukas and Dani played wonderfully together. And don't you dare paying for the plushy, it was our turn after what you have gifted Lukas with the last time he stayed with you. Dani has gotten a real good grade for his reading, by the way. Mrs. Kurz praised him over the moon. I'm sure he will tell you about that later. He was so proud and happy about his grade. How was your trip to Ludwigswinkel? I hope you could relax and enjoy your stay in the holiday lodge?”

“It was wonderful, Linda. We have visited a lot of castles and we've had a great time. We met a class on Castle Trifels and we promised them to see to tickets for the next away match in Mainz. Their teacher is very committed, and Marco agreed to watching the match together with them,” Erik said, eyeing his husband cautiously to see whether or not he annoyed him further with his words, which he probably did, no matter _what_ he actually said. The younger one knew that he could talk about the weather and annoy his husband with that, because Marco got annoyed by everything when he went through another fit like he did ever since this damn traffic jam a couple of hours ago. The accident hadn't been Erik's fault, at all, but Marco didn't care about who or what was responsible for the things happening he couldn't deal with due to his depression, he always took his anger and frustration out on Erik and Dani without caring about their feelings. The longer he had to suppress his ire, the worse his tantrums got when they were finally alone and Marco could finally let go of his self-control and shout at Dani and him.

Matze looked forth and back between Marco and Erik, his arm wrapped around Linda's shoulder as if he wanted to protect her. “They are surely excited about that. Let's hope that Jürgen will put you in the starting eleven in Mainz. It would be great if you would play from the beginning once again,” he said, and Erik flinched slightly by the rather obvious hint. He hadn't told Marco how bad his performances had been within the last weeks, and Marco had started to stay away from their home matches more and more oftentimes. Erik had understood that he didn't want to travel with Dani to their away matches because of school and his own work, the A-youth team playing Saturdays and Sundays, as well, but it hurt him that Marco didn't care about cheering him up in their own stadium any longer. Erik was torn between his relief that his husband didn't witness how poorly he had played lately and his relief that he could hide his own state from him this way, but Matze's words reminded him of the necessity that they needed to talk about Marco's depression, soon.

“Yes, I hope that, too,” was all he could utter to his best friend's statement, earning a frown and a look with narrowed eyes from the blond ex-footballer. An uncomfortable silence stretched between the two couples after that, and Erik desperately searched for another, harmless topic, when Dani and Lukas entered the living room, waiting at the door for the grown ups to notice them. Linda was the first, smiling at the two boys. “Have you finished playing, guys?” she asked, cheerfully, and Lukas rushed to her, crawling onto her lap and wrapping his arms around his mother's neck. “Yes, we did. Can Dani come over again next week with his Rexi?” he asked, and the young woman stroked his hair. “Of course, darling, if Erik and Marco allow that, Lukas.”

Dani had remained by the door, watching his two fathers with cautious eyes. Erik's heart ached by the picture of misery their happy little son had become, and he stood up, crossed the room and lifted him up on his arms. “Ready to go, buddy?” he asked him, offering him his hand for a high-five.

“Yes, daddy,” their son said, laying his head on his father's shoulder. Erik could see how tired and worked up the boy was after his wonderful but exhausting weekend, and he knew that putting him to bed wouldn't be an easy task this evening. “Alright, let's go, then.” He waited for Marco, Matze and Linda with Lukas on her arm to stand up and follow them into the hallway where Dani's bag, jacket and shoes were.

Matze helped Dani with the shoes while Erik kept him on his arm, and Marco took the bag and the jacket. “Thank you for everything, Linda, Matze,” the blond thanked them, and Erik felt a lump in his throat, because he knew what would await them when they had closed the door of their house behind them. He could feel the fury and anger coming off in waves from his husband, and Marco's hard gaze told him that the truce between them had been called off. The stranger was still hidden behind the mask of politeness Marco kept on his face as long as they were in public, but he would break free and take over control the second they were alone in their house with nobody else listening to them.

“You're very welcome, it's always a pleasure to have Dani here!” Linda said, kissing both, Erik and Marco on their cheeks, and Matze smiled and patted his friends' shoulders. “At any time, you know that,” he confirmed, closing the door almost reluctantly after one last glance at Erik and Dani.

Erik took a deep breath and went down the stairs, his arms filled with Dani and the huge t-Rex grinning at him with bared teeth. “Let's go home,” he sighed to no one in particular, and he wasn't surprised about the tears that wanted to well up in his eyes when the memories of their wonderful weekend threatened to overwhelm him. But, the weekend was over, and they were back in their horrible reality, a reality that consisted of endless fights, fears and worries, hate, anger and despair.

Erik thought that reality wouldn't be as horrible as it now looked to him, if the weekend hadn't been as wonderful as it had actually turned out to be. They had been on top of the highest mountain, enjoying warmth, sun and carefree happiness, but now, the train of life had rushed down the mountain again and carried them into the deepest valley where no sun was shining and only darkness and misery awaited them.

They were all trapped in this deep, dark valley Marco's depression was for them, an endless canyon without any exit, and the walls of this canyon were too steep to climb them without help, a help Erik didn't know where to come from. All he could do was to protect their son as best as possible while he searched for a way out of this valley for all of them and never lose the hope that one day, there would be light at the end of the tunnel, shining for them and guiding them back into the brightness of a normal life and the happy family they had once been.


	13. The Screaming Of Broken Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco is in a bad mood ever since the traffic jam, and it has gotten worse when Erik allowed Dani to finish his game with Lukas and wanted to drink coffee with his best friend Matze and his wife. What will happen when they come home? Will Marco have another tantrum?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is one of the severest and most painful of this story. I have to warn your that it contains serious verbal abuse and verbal children abuse, severe fights and psychological violence as much as swear words. The happenings of this chapter and the following ones are based on real happenings and incidents again, but I changed them for this story and I also smoothed them out.
> 
> I was asked to include Marco's POV, but I won't do that. This is Erik's story, the story of the one living with a depressive man. I don't write this story to blame men suffering from a depression, but to show the other side of the coin. I find it important to do that, and there are plenty of stories here in AO3 told from the POV of the depressed one, but hardly any telling how husbands, wives and families deal with this disease. Of course, Marco suffers, deeply, and he isn't responsible for his behavior and can't really control it. You will learn more about his suffering and his inner demons and struggles during the next chapters, but told from Erik's POV. Depressive men can become dangerous and a threat for their families and their surroundings, the news we get about rampages and men comitting suicide after killing their wives and children prove that almost every day, and this story shows this side of depression. If you're not comfortable with that, please don't read it. 
> 
> To some of you, the characters might act strange and irrational sometimes, but I can assure you that depression comes across like that oftentimes, the moods and the demeanor of the sick one changing out of the blue and leading to this illogical behavior. For Erik and Dani, this is hard to deal with, and their behavior is a result of Marco's. 
> 
> I really do my very best to write about this topic in an appropriate way, and the same goes for this chapter. My intention is not to judge or blame, only to be the voice for the ones being unheard so oftentimes and tell you more about their lives.

They drove home in silence, Marco ignoring his husband and their son, completely. His lips were pressed to a thin line and his eyes were narrowed with anger, and Erik knew better than trying to talk to him. Dani stared out of the side window with his t-Rex in his lap, and his little face was far too sad after the wonderful weekend he had just had.

Marco parked the Jaguar before their double garage, leaving the car without waiting for Erik and Dani and making his way to their mailbox. Erik watched him opening it and taking the letters they had gotten during the past three days out of it. Marco turned his back to him while he ripped one of the envelopes open to read the letter inside and Erik sighed and turned away, bending forward to lift his tired son out of his child car seat and lower him down onto the ground. The boy took his hand, walking with him to the front door Marco had left open with his t-Rex in his arm, and his cold fingers squeezed Erik's hand that hard that his young father pulled a face. Erik didn't let go of Dani's hand though, needing the contact as much as his little son did.

They entered the house in the same moment Marco appeared on the threshold again and pushed himself through the small slit that was left to collect their bags, shoving his husband rather rudely against the door frame, still without saying one single word.

The young defender swallowed, realizing that it was much worse than he had feared it would be. He hung Dani's jacket on the hook, steeling himself for the forthcoming hours. Marco was truly pissed off, and Erik could only hope that he would at least spare their poor little son from his fury. The younger man didn't know which of the last happenings was the actual reason for Marco's bad mood, he had to guess the reasons for Marco's temper most of the times, and his husband hardly ever enlightened him what had bothered him, but the 'reasons' actually were unimportant. The only important reason for his tantrums was his severe depression, and Erik tried to assure himself that he would endure his beloved one's rage for Marco's sake. His husband couldn't control his mood changes and tantrums, and Erik had to be strong for both of them – for all the three of them. If it wouldn't only be that hard to do that. He was tired and had hardly any strength left, the positive effect of their weekend had worn off during their long and straining drive home. He took a deep breath as he pulled Dani close to his body and waited for Marco to come back so he could help him with the bags.

Erik had thought that he had readied himself for Marco's next tantrum and the inevitable argument that would await him when they came home, but he soon realized that there was nothing that could have prepared him for the following happenings.

Marco finally exploded like a volcano having been under unbearable pressure for centuries the minute he had carried their bags into their house and closed the door behind them, his eyes shooting yellow fire of hate and almost surreal ire at Dani and him.

“How dare you wasting my time with such unnecessary small talk, asshole? How dare you allowing this little bugger such a behavior? First, this little piece of shit simply ignores us and what is my _lovely husband_ doing? Instead of telling him off and punishing him like it would be appropriate, my _spouse_ is impudent enough to reward his son and let him play for longer, forcing me to endure this bullshit coming from his _best friend!_ I never understood why this stupid idiot of all people has to be your best friend, you must be even denser than I already thought you were!” the older one screamed, his voice only a high-pitched squeal Erik didn't recognize as his husband's voice, at all. Marco emphasized the words 'lovely husband', 'spouse' and 'best friend' in a way that they sounded only like insults and swear words, and Erik flinched away from the stranger spitting in his face who looked as if he had either already gone insane or would lose his sanity within the next seconds. The brunet stared at him in shock, pressing Dani clinging to his leg as close as possible to his body to protect him and opening his mouth to object against the cruel accusations.

“Don't you dare saying anything, you scumbag, I'm not finished!” Marco stepped closer, his face a grimace of fury, hate and disgust. “It's all your fault! You are not capable of disciplining this brat the right way and making sure that he knows his place, and each time I do my very best to teach him some manners, you interfere and foil my attempts. No wonder Daniel is such an uneducated bastard!” Marco made a sudden move forward, pulling at the t-Rex Dani pressed against his chest, scared and white like snow. “Give me this damn thing! You don't deserve a reward for your impudent behavior you little bugger! It belongs to the garbage and you will never see it again!”

“No, paps, no, please, don't take my Rexi!” Dani started to sob, desperately. “I'm sorry, I will be a good boy, I promise you, but please, don't take my Rexi!” The small boy was shaking with the loud sobs wrecking him, and this eventually pulled Erik out of his paralyzed state. He reached out without thinking, grabbing one of the dinosaur's legs before Marco could disappear with through the door to throw it into the garbage bin.

“No, Marco, you won't do that! You promised me that you wouldn't do anything of this kind, and I won't allow you to take Dani's Rexi and throw him away!” he yelled, his own fury rising to a level that heat was pooling in his stomach, and Marco stopped in the middle of his movement, slowly turning around to Erik again. Erik suppressed his own fear and his shaking as best as possible, not wanting his husband to see how scared he actually was of him right now. The older one had never hit him so far, but in this moment, Erik was sure that Marco would beat him or – even worse – beat their sweet little son. Yet, he clenched his fingers around the plushy beast's leg, not willing to let Marco win this fight.

“Give me this damn, ugly creature!” Marco growled, his eyes glowing like Erik had never seen them glow beforehand. His hands clenched around the dinosaur looked like claws, and the older one had bared his teeth like a huge gorilla that was about to attack him. “No, I won't! Just pull yourself together Marco, will you? What do you think who you actually are and what you're doing? Have you gone mad?” The hissed words slipped out of his mouth before he could hold them back, and he knew instantly that he should better have not said them.

“Me?! You're asking me whether or not I have gone mad?! Just look at yourself, you untalented little wanker! You never know when you should better stop and leave it alone, don't you? You're not good enough to play in the starting eleven, even Matze has finally gotten it! Why don't you retire and give others being so much better than you a chance to play? I really don't know why Kloppo hasn't replaced you a long time ago!” There was pure malice and hate dripping from Marco's screaming voice, and Erik stumbled back, staring at the man who had sworn to love him, horrified and silenced by the cruelty of Marco's mockery. Dani had buried his face in his shirt, sobbing and shivering and Erik felt incapable of moving as shout after shout hailed down on him, Marco calling him bad names and ridiculing him again and again until he thought that he would become deaf because of the terrible noise. His ears were ringing and his head was spinning, and when Marco stopped his screaming all of a sudden, Erik thought his jaw would crack because of his teeth gritted so hard.

“Marco, Marco, please, please, don't...do that, don't be like that, please,” was all he could grind out, his fists clutching Dani's sweatshirt as he searched desperately for any sign that his husband was still somewhere inside this stranger. He wanted to shout and scream back at the other man, to throw everything back into his face, but their son still shaking in his arms kept him from doing so. As much as his instincts told him to fight, but he needed to protect Daniel, and this also meant to protect him from his own ire and rage he felt in this moment.

“Marco, Marco, please, please don't!” the blond ex-footballer aped him in a silly voice, shoving the t-Rex into Erik's face. “I'm so sick of you and your whining, you're so disgusting! I tell you what!” he then said, his voice dangerously quiet now, “I will drive the Jaguar to Marcel's place because you would surely cause an accident and cost me more money than you have already cost me. The thought of having to endure your sight and your presence for one more minute makes me want to retch, so I rather stay away from you tonight. But, I will come back tomorrow, and I expect you to be gone, then! Pack your things and get out of my sight, because you will regret it if you don't!”

With these words, Marco grabbed his jacket and his key and left their house, closing the door behind him with a loud bang.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Silence, only broken by Daniel's desperate crying.

Erik stood there in their hallway with Dani's arms wrapped that tightly around his waist that he thought he would choke, but he didn't wriggle himself out of the painful embrace. He simply stood there, staring at the closed door with dry, stinging eyes, and the heat that had pooled in his abdomen earlier because of his own anger was replaced by a coldness that made him feel as if his bones were made of icicles.

“D-d-dad-dy?”

Erik swallowed hard, slowly kneeling down like in slow motion. “I'm here, baby, I'm here. I won't go anywhere, I promise you,” he whispered, icy chills wrecking his entire body. It was a tricky undertaking to kneel down and take his son in his arms, because Dani simply wouldn't let go of his waist, but somehow, he managed, slumping down with the small boy in his lap and embracing him, tightly. Daniel buried his face on his shoulder and the young father stroked rhythmically his hair while his sweet son cried, each sob being the desperate scream of the deeply wounded boy's heart.

The lonely father sitting in the cold and twilit hallway didn't know how much time had passed when Daniel finally calmed down, and he kissed him on his damp cheek and struggled back on his feet with the exhausted boy in his arms. “I'll put you to bed, darling,” he said, his voice as hoarse as if he had been the one crying for so long.

“W-w-wil-l pa-pps c-come bac-ck?” Dani squeaked, his voice so thin that Erik hardly understood his words. He kissed him again before he made his way to Dani's room, the chills that simply didn't want to fade letting him sway from one side to the other. Nausea turned his stomach and he swallowed again, hoping that he wouldn't throw up all over the small child in his arms. “I don't know, darling, I don't know.”

Daniel sniffed, laying his head against Erik's shoulder but then, he tensed up. “Rexi, I want my Rexi!” he screamed and Erik flinched violently, almost dropping the precious cargo nestled in his arms.

“I'll bring you your Rexi as soon as you are in your bed, baby,” the young father tried to soothe his son, but Daniel started to wriggle and sob again. “I want my Rexi, Rexi, my Rexi!” he cried, and Erik stopped in the doorway to Dani's room, a sudden wave of hot fury surging through him. If Daniel hadn't wanted such a huge, ugly plushy, Marco wouldn't have flipped out. If Dani hadn't wanted to finish his game with Lukas, Marco wouldn't have...

“I said that I would bring you your damn Rexi when you're in bed, you little bugger!” Erik heard himself yelling, and Dani stopped his wriggling and stared at him, his eyes wide with shock. “Y-yes, daddy,” he whispered, and Erik closed his eyes, disgusted by himself. “I'm sorry, baby,” he said, carefully setting one foot before the other to cross the short distance to Dani's bed. He didn't care about brushing teeth or changing his shivering son into his pajama, he simply stripped him to his underwear and pulled the covers over the thin body. “I'm back right away, darling, I'm only getting your Rexi, okay?”

Dani nodded his head, curling himself into a small ball. “Yes, daddy,” he murmured, his eyes following his father when Erik left the room until he was out of sight.

The plushy still lay on the floor where it had fallen down after Marco had pushed it into his face, and Erik bent down and picked the dinosaur up, remembering his talk with the older one the previous day when they had talked about the t-Rex staying not with Dani during the night. But, Marco had left him, had even told him to fuck off and never come close to him again, and Erik was too tired and weak to have another fight with his son about the plushy that had caused so much harm and damage.

Of course, Erik knew that the t-Rex hadn't been the true reason for Marco's outburst and his horrible tantrum, but he couldn't help but wonder if things would have gotten out of hand like this without this plushy. He sighed and turned around to keep his promise and bring Dani his beloved Rexi, his stomach churning with nausea and his heart screaming silently and without any sound escaping his trembling lips.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Erik had sat beside Dani's bed until his son had finally fallen asleep, clinging to his father's hand even in his fitful slumber of exhaustion. The young father had waited until he had been sure that his son wouldn't wake up again before he had stood up and left the room to pack his belongings.

He felt like a robot as he started to pull his clothes out of his half of the wardrobe, folding them carefully and putting them into his bag with the same care. The small drop falling down on his favorite shirt, leaving a small, dark and wet spot on it took him by surprise, and when he wiped over his face, he found his fingers wet from his tears.

Erik stared at his hand, surprised, and the first sob fleeing his throat against his will echoed unnatural loud in their quiet bedroom.

His quiet bedroom. Marco didn't want to share it with him any longer, and the realization of what this meant hit him with sudden force. Erik slumped down on the bed because his knees were shaking and his legs didn't support his weight anymore. Another sob made its way through his closed lips and then, his body was shaking with his own desperate sobs.

Erik curled himself up into a fetal position and buried his face in his arms as he finally allowed himself to break down and cry, unable to keep the screams of his broken heart inside any longer.

“Marco, please, I love you, I need you. Dani needs you, Marco, please!”

But Marco wasn't there and this time, he wouldn't come back to him. Marco had left him and told him to leave his house and his life, and the damage was too severe to ever be repaired again.

Erik was alone now, and he would better get used to this thought.


	14. Like A Robot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik and Marco have had their biggest quarrel ever, and Marco told Erik to leave his house before he will come back. Now, Erik tries to prepare everything for his future life as a single father with Dani and to keep up their daily routine at least a little bit by bringing his son to school and going to training...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mused for a rather long time about a title for this chapter, and I think that this one fits in the most, but I might change it in case I'll find a better one.
> 
> Thank you so much for your encouraging feedback under the last chapter, together with this one, it was one of the hardest things I've ever written. I did my best to write this one in an appropriate way and describe Erik's situation in a way that you can understand what and how he's feeling, please let me know if I succeeded with that. <333

Erik hadn't thought it possible, but he had actually fallen asleep after having shed all the tears he had kept inside himself for so long. It had been a fitful slumber only, disturbed by weird dreams, and Erik had woken up from every sound, as small and silent as it might have been.

Every time he had been startled out of his more unconscious than sleeping state, he had flinched awake, violently and with Marco's name on his lips, but no one had been there, and Erik had been too tired to stand up and check the house. The young husband and father couldn't remember one single time he had felt as tired and exhausted as he had felt the previous night, tired down to his bones, every single cell in his body screaming with the pain that came with such an exhaustion. Yet, his mind hadn't found the rest and peace it had needed so badly, and he had felt almost more exhausted after waking up than he had felt before his body had given up and succumbed to sleep.

Erik still didn't know how he had managed to get up from his lonely bed and take a shower when the day had dawned, functioning more like a robot than like a human being. His slow and awkward movements at least felt and looked like the movements of a robot, and his despair and grief had been replaced by a cold numbness that erased every other emotion.

The young defender wasn't sure whether to be grateful for this numbness or not, but he didn't think about it, only dressed and prepared breakfast before he silently entered Dani's room and sat down on the edge of his bed to gently wake him up. The younger father had a bad conscience that he hadn't checked on his little son during the night, but Dani had obviously slept deep and for the entire night, and Erik was utterly grateful for that.

“Paps?” his sweet little son whispered when he blinked his eyes open, and Erik wasn't prepared for the sharp sting cutting through the merciful numbness with violent force and right into his heart. “No, it's me, darling,” he croaked out, his voice still hoarse from his crying during the night. He was surprised that he was capable of forming words that made any sense, somehow, he had feared that the horrible coldness inside him had also taken his ability to speak.

“Good morning, daddy.” Daniel sat up, his movements as tired as Erik's, and his lips trembled when he smiled at him, cautiously. “Where is paps, daddy?”

Erik bit his lips, gently carding through the soft, from sleep ruffled hair. “He's not there, baby. I don't know where he is. You need to get up, Dani. I will bring you to school and ask Matze if you can stay with them for a while. I need to see to some things, and you will be more comfortable with them.”

His son looked at him, his eyes pleading his younger father to tell him that this was only a bad dream. Unfortunately, it was not only a bad dream, but reality, and there was nothing Erik could do to make this easier for the young boy. He couldn't lie to him any longer, Marco had told him to leave his house, and there was no way that Erik would leave Dani and let him stay with his depressed husband.

“Paps doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't want me to be his son any longer, does he, daddy?”

For one moment, Erik thought that his heart would break despite the numbness that still suppressed all of his own emotions. He didn't know how he felt about Marco, but he knew how he felt about their wonderful son, and Dani's sorrow was more than he could bear. He pulled his trembling son into his lap and rocked him, tenderly. “No, baby, your paps still loves you, deeply. It is me he doesn't want to live with him anymore, not you. But, your paps is seriously sick, darling. Not physically, but he suffers from a disease that changes his feelings and his behavior, and he needs help. Help from a doctor we can't give him. All we can do is keep on loving him and hoping that your paps will see a doctor who can help him.”

There was a long silence before Dani lifted his head up to gaze at him, his little face suffused with doubts and worries no young child should ever have to feel. “Do you still love paps, daddy? He was so mean to you! Not only yesterday, but almost every day! He's always yelling at you, no matter what you're doing.” He paused for one moment, and the horror Erik felt was so overwhelming that he couldn't even cry.

The young father had suspected that their son had realized much more than he had hoped he would, but he hadn't been aware of how much Dani had witnessed over the last months and what him being a witness of their daily quarrels and struggles did to him. Of course, he should have, and he inwardly told himself off for his naivety and blindness, but he had so hoped that Dani was still too young to realize what was happening between Marco and him, forgetting the yelling and shouting again after some time had passed.

“Sometimes, I am scared of paps, because he's always yelling at us and always so angry, no matter what we're doing to please him. Sometimes, I think that I hate him,” Dani now continued, increasing Erik's horror and bad conscience with his words without noticing it. “Is this the reason why paps is so mean and angry? Because I am a bad boy, daddy? Kids shouldn't think that they're hating their parents, right?”

Erik pressed Dani so close to his shaking body that the boy winced in pain. “Ouch!”

“Sorry, baby, I am so very sorry!” The brunet loosened his tight grip a little bit. “You have done nothing wrong, darling, not you. Parents shouldn't behave like we have done. They shouldn't give their kids any reason to make them hate their parents or only think that they do. It's not your fault, baby, please, don't think that. It's no one's fault. It is Marco's disease. Your paps doesn't want to behave like that, he doesn't want to yell and shout. He just can't control it. He tries, but he can't.”

Dani hesitantly nodded his head, but his eyes were filled with doubts when he said: “Of course, daddy. Will this disease go away again, daddy? Will paps ever be my beloved paps again?”

Erik closed his eyes as he pressed him close again, one single tear slowly rolling over his cold cheek. “I hope so, Dani, I hope so.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

Erik had made breakfast for Dani, pushing his own food from one side of his plate to the other in the hope that his son wouldn't notice that he hadn't eaten anything, driving him to school afterwards with the promise to pick him up again when his lessons were over.

He had sat in the car and watched his sweet son until Dani had disappeared into the large building before he had driven home again to collect his bags and stuff them into his car. He hadn't wanted to do that in front of Dani, the boy was upset enough and needed to focus on school instead of worrying more than he already did.

He had mused about trying to call Marco several times, but dropped the idea again, and he also hadn't dared to call Marcel. Instead, he had hurried to be one of the first on the training ground, hoping that he could talk with Matze and ask him to let Dani stay with his family for a couple of days until he had found another place for his son and himself to live there in the future.

He still felt like a robot, the numbness and deep void inside him letting him function like he was supposed to do, it was almost as if he had been cut in two halves, one of his two selves shocked by the horror his talk with Dani had planted in his soul, trembling and silently screaming with despair, fear and the terrible feeling of utter helplessness, while the other half simply felt nothing, at all. His condition alternated between these two states the entire time, and Erik was amazed that none of his teammates seemed to notice that something was more than seriously wrong.

He must have given the right answers and smiled in the right moments, because his teammates and friends neither asked him what had happened, nor did they consider him in any other way than usually. Only Matze regarded him with musingly pursed lips, but he didn't say anything, probably waiting for Erik to come to him in case he needed help.

The young defender was as grateful for that as it also hurt him, which was stupid, of course, but Erik was still reasonable enough to know that the last minutes before training would start weren't the right time for such a talk, and he was certain that Matze would wait for him and listen to him after their morning training.

Erik sighed, following the others to the pitch, determined to not let anybody see that his world had been shattered into a million sharp pieces only one night ago. The day was as gray and rainy like his thoughts were, the sun that had shone during the entire weekend hiding itself behind heavy clouds being the proof and visible sign of how fast and sudden things could change in this world.

Just twenty-four hours ago, he had been so happy, making love to Marco in their holiday lodge and the very next day, he was alone, a single father and needed to find a flat for Dani and him as soon as only possible. The brunet had no clue how he should manage to do that, but he needed to and at least, money wouldn't be a problem.

Opposite to what Marco had accused him of, Erik had never expected his husband to keep and maintain him, and he had payed their daily expenses with the money he himself earned as a footballer. Listening to the blond's hateful words had hurt so much, even more because they hadn't been true, at all, Marco's opinion influenced and colored by his changed perception and his disease.

Klopp approaching him pulled him out of his dark thoughts, and he tried to smile at the older man and behave as if everything was okay, at least as okay as things had been when he had talked to him a couple of days ago.

Jürgen narrowed his eyes when he considered him, his gaze full of concern. “You look pale, Erik. Are you sure that you can do training today?”

“Yes, I am sure. I'm only a little bit tired because of the long drive yesterday. We have been stuck in a traffic jam, and this was pretty straining, that's all.” The defender nodded his head, even though he felt light-headed and dizzy due to his horrible night and his empty stomach. He hadn't eaten anything since their stop on the motorway, and this had been almost sixteen hours ago. But, he needed to go on with his life, he needed football and the regular routine of training and exercises more than ever now.

Erik knew that he would become insane and probably become depressive himself if Klopp took that away from him, and his trainer and mentor seemed to sense his thoughts, because he finally nodded his head, even though only with visible reluctance. “If you think that you can pull this through, I will let you. But don't hesitate to come to me if that will change, Erik!” he sighed, and Erik's knees buckled with relief. “I will, thank you, Jürgen.”

Erik smiled at him, hoping that it didn't look too much like a grimace, before he jogged over to the others already making their rounds, his dry eyes staring into the cloudy and gray distance without seeing anything, and his mind and soul blank and without any hope that the sun would ever shine for him again.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Erik had gone through his training exercises by sheer willpower, and if he hadn't felt as cold and numb as he actually did, he surely would have been amazed and proud of himself that he functioned so well. The dizziness had become worse over the hour that had passed, and cold sweat was running over his face and his back. He felt nauseous because of his empty stomach and his hypoglycemia, but his features were frozen into a grim and determined grimace, and he held his head up high and forced his inner turmoil and his discomfort back into the farthest corner of his mind as he now ran after Auba to keep him from shooting and scoring during their training match.

Klopp had hesitated and observed him for what had felt like an eternity before he had finally nodded and given him the orange bib to wear it over his jersey. Erik had thanked him his trust with running, dribbling, defending and slogging his guts out more than each of his colleagues, Marco's scornful words about him not being good enough any longer for this job repeating themselves in his mind and ringing in his ears the entire time.

_'Why don't you retire and give others being so much better than you a chance to play? I really don't know why Klopp hasn't replaced you a long time ago!'_

No, he wasn't as bad as Marco thought him to be, and he would prove to each doubter that he was worthy Jürgen's trust and still the best defender of his club. No other defender had his experience and his ability to sense where and how the opponent would pass or play the ball, and Erik wouldn't let Marco take his self-belief like this. His husband had taken away so many things from him, his self-confidence when it came to other things, his belief that love could overcome everything and that they would stick together for the rest of their lives and go through thick and thin together, no matter what. Marco had taken away his pride, his joy and his laughter, his positive thinking, but Erik wouldn't let him steal his self-belief when it came to football and his job from him. He had worked too hard to get where he stood now, and he needed this last straw he could cling to to not drown in the sea of despair and fear his life had become.

He would prove to Marco and the rest of the world that he could still play football on the highest level, and Erik let out a growl as he almost jumped forward to steal the ball from the Gabonese who was just about to shoot, stopping within the blink of an eye right before the net and Erik's goalie Roman.

The brunet couldn't stop as fast as Auba and bumped into him with full speed, the momentum of his movement making him lose his balance and throwing him through the air. Erik didn't hear any sound, and he was too surprised and stunned to utter one single sound himself as he watched the turf coming nearer in almost light speed before he hit the ground with violent force and the air was pressed out of his lungs.

For one long moment, he simply lay there, numb and paralyzed, deadly silence surrounding him, and the unbearable pain suddenly shooting from his ankle along his whole his leg seemed to cut right through him.

Erik grabbed his foot and started to scream.


	15. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik has injured his foot and Jürgen Klopp and their team doctor have to check how bad his injury is. Will Erik have to stay in the hospital, and what will happen with Dani, then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you might think that I'm exaggerating things, but I can assure you that all of the things described here are based on real happenings, only changed in a way that they match with Erik's life as a footballer.  
> Marco will show up again in the next chapter, and those of you craving for learning more about his feelings and problems will get what you want within the next chapters. Marco's story will be told from Erik's POV, but it will give you a deeper insight, nevertheless.  
> The feedback to my other stories has become less and less, lately, and I'm grateful that you're still supporting this story, because it is hard to write as you probably can imagine. Please, keep it up, it means more to me than I can tell you.

“Erik, Erik talk to me! Where does it hurt the most?” Klopp was a tower of strength in the stormy sea of pain the young defender seemed to be drowning in, his calmness finally getting through to Erik and calming him down a little bit, as well.

“My right ankle, it hurts so much!” he eventually groaned, his voice hoarse and raw because his pain was boosted by his exhaustion and despair. The numbness that had had him in its claws ever since he had stopped crying somewhere during the night had been replaced by desperation and fear again, the fear for his sweet little son, who would be waiting for him after school. Waiting for him to save him from the fate of having to stay alone with his depressive older father, something that send shudders of pure horror along Erik's spine by the mere thought of this to happen.

“Your right ankle, alright, let me check how bad it is, Erik.” Jürgen's voice was still calm, and he gently put Erik's hand away from his foot to close his own fingers around it, carefully and slowly.

Erik's vision was blurred from his pain and his tears, but he could sense all of his teammates gathered around him, some of them kneeling, some of them still standing but bent forward to see what was wrong with him. More tears welled up in his eyes, and Erik angrily wiped them away, not willing to appear as weak and desperate as he actually felt. He covered his face with his forearm, suppressing another groan when Klopp moved his foot, the new pain shooting through his leg because of the examination making him feel dizzy and sick.

A warm and firm hand stroked over his arm, and Erik knew without having to see it that it was Matze's hand. His best friend was there, and Erik knew that Matze wouldn't let him down, he only needed to find a way to talk to him and ask him to pick up Dani from school. The thought of Dani waiting before the building for someone eventually coming to pick him up for hours, alone and scared, was as horrible as the prospect of Marco taking him home and treating him like he had done so oftentimes lately, and Erik didn't know what he feared more, Marco coming to school to take Dani with him or his husband not coming and not caring about their son, at all.

“Aaaahhh, ouch!!” Jürgen's fingers pressing into the swollen flesh of his ankle made him cry out, the red, hot fire that burnt in his right foot erasing every other thought.

“This looks bad, we'll have to let you get checked in the hospital, Erik. Maybe, it's only a bad sprain, but we need to be sure that you don't have a torn ligament or something like that,” Klopp stated, and Auba, who knelt on Erik's other side let out a groan. “I'm so sorry, Erik, I didn't mean to hurt you,” he exclaimed, sounding as desperate as Erik felt.

“I know, Auba, it hasn't been your fault, only mine. But, I can't go to the hospital, just bandage my foot, I need to pick Dani up from school...” Erik tried to struggle up into a sitting position, his eyes still squeezed shut because of the unbearable pain, just to be pressed down on the turf once more by Matze again. “You won't go anywhere, Erik, you're not in the state for walking on your feet or even driving, isn't that so, doctor?”

Erik finally forced his eyes open again by Matze's words, and when he saw one of their team doctors, Andreas Kiefer, kneeling beside Jürgen, exchanging looks with the trainer with a worried face, he knew that they wouldn't let him drive home like this. Panic rose in his guts, and he started to struggle against the hands holding him down again.

“But, I need to, Dani will be waiting for me, I can't let him, I can't let Marco...” He couldn't finish what he had wanted to say because his teeth had started to clatter loudly against each other all of a sudden, and his entire body was wrecked by heavy chills.

Klopp let go of his foot to shrug out of his jacket and wrap it around his player, gazing at the other footballers still crowding next to them. “Okay, guys, training is over for now. Please, see to bringing our equipment back to the storage room before you leave. I need to stay with Erik, so our after training talk will be this afternoon. I expect you to come back, punctually at sixteen o'clock, for now, leave us alone, please. Matze, can you please stay with us?”

The tall defender still kneeling close beside Erik nodded his head. “Of course, Jürgen. I won't go anywhere,” he said, rubbing his friend's hand in the attempt to warm them. Erik leaned against him, grateful for Klopp's arm supporting his weight, because he couldn't have kept himself upright without him.

The brunet could hear the silent murmur of his teammates as they followed their trainer's request through the noise his teeth made, but it sounded distorted and didn't make any sense to him. His ankle hurt as if someone had stabbed it with a knife, and his chest felt so tight that he couldn't breathe properly any longer. One of them, probably Auba, patted his shoulder one last time, but Erik didn't react to this gesture, his only striving and desire to wake up from this horrible nightmare his life had become within a couple of hours.

“I need to get up, I need to pick Dani up before...” he pleaded, but Jürgen and Matze kept him from standing up, and Andreas Kiefer shook his head. “You're suffering from a severe shock, Erik. We'll have to bring you to the hospital, you also look dehydrated. When was the last time that you have eaten and drunk anything, Erik?”

Erik blinked. “Eaten, drunk? Yesterday, I think, or this morning, I don't know...”

Dr. Kiefer frowned, but Klopp only sighed. “I thought so. We need to talk, seriously, Erik. But first, we'll have to see to your foot. You don't want Dani to be alone with Marco, I guess?” he asked, friendly, and the doctor's frown deepened. “Marco is his father, why should Erik want him to stay away from him?”

“Long story, Andreas. Later, please. Would it be okay for you if Linda would take Dani home with her, Erik? Or would you feel better if Matze did that, personally? I will stay with you as long as you'll need me, you have my word on that.” Jürgen asked him, and Erik relaxed a little bit. “Thank you, Jürgen,” he whispered, looking at his best friend with pleading eyes. “Matze, please. I – I...”

His friend squeezed his cold and sweaty fingers. “I'll take care of him, Erik, I promise you. Plus, I will drive to our school, immediately. I'm sure that Mrs. Kurz will understand it when she learns about your injury. I will keep in touch with Jürgen, he can tell me when you're allowed to have visitors. Please, don't worry, Dani will be fine.” He stood up right when the siren of the ambulance became audible in the distance, and Erik realized that either Jürgen himself or Dr. Kiefer must have called them without him noticing it.

“He has had a bad night, Matze!” was all he could shout after him, his voice weak and thin. Matze turned his head, and his expression told Erik that he didn't need to say more. “I know, Erik, believe me, I know that.” He lifted his hand for a last goodbye and then, he was gone, and Erik was alone with Jürgen, Dr. Kiefer and the horrible pain in his right foot and his chest.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Erik neither remembered the drive to the hospital later on, nor the examination and the x-ray of his foot, everything around him blurring to undetectable shadows and sounds that only increased his dizziness and his fear and despair. The only thing he remembered was Jürgen sitting next to him in the ambulance and during the checks, his warm hand never leaving his arm or his shoulder. The older man didn't speak, but his quiet presence and the surprisingly heavy weight of his fingers grounded him and kept the dizziness and sickness tormenting him the entire time at least a little bit at bay.

Erik didn't know what he would have done without him, and he instinctively sought his warmth and his eyes. Jürgen Klopp had always been some kind of father figure for him right from the start of their professional and private relationship as friends later on, and this had never changed, even not during Klopp's years in England.

The young defender now lay in one of those hospital beds he had come to hate during his career, because they had always been the admittedly comfortable but unmistakable proof that he couldn't play football for a rather long time, and this time, it was even worse, because of the whole situation he found himself in. Dr. Kiefer had accompanied them, and he wouldn't come back to Erik when he had the results of the x-ray and the blood samples.

Erik needed to find a flat as soon as only possible, he needed to take care of his sweet son and at least try to undo the damage Marco's depression had done to him as much as possible. He needed to search for a lawyer, because his husband surely wanted to get divorced from him, and he needed to see to a caretaker for Dani and a lot of other things that came with such a break up, inevitably.

Klopp sat on one of the uncomfortable stools beside his bed, and Erik could feel his gaze upon his face, musing, emphatic but also demanding. He couldn't meet his eyes, though, staring blindly at his injured foot, that was enwrapped with a snow-white bandage now.

His entire world was shattered like his right foot, his dreams, his hopes and his faith in love and its power crushed by the cruel reality of his husband having become a complete stranger who seemed to hate him because of the terrible disease called depression. A disease that always came almost silently, slowly and unnoticed, sneaking up on its prey and their families without any warning, an invisible danger that spread out unhindered like cancer until every cell of the sick one was infected and any remedy would be in vain.

“Tell me what has happened during the weekend, Erik. I can't help you if you don't want to talk to me.”

Erik swallowed, still staring at his bandaged foot. “The weekend was wonderful, we've been so happy...” he started, his voice breaking when he remembered their time in the charming holiday lodge. “But, the drive home, the traffic jam made Marco angry again, and when we were finally back in Dortmund, he was almost furious. Dani wanted to play for a while longer, and Linda and Matze... I simply couldn't leave them right away again, Linda and Lukas wouldn't have understood it... Marco didn't say anything, but when we were finally back at our house, he exploded...aaahhhh”

Erik had unconsciously tensed up during his narration, and his sentence ended unfinished in a cry of pain and agony because of the sharp sting cutting through his ankle once more. The brunet gasped for air, grateful for Klopp's hand he could cling to. He most likely squeezed the older man's fingers too tightly, but Jürgen didn't flinch, and he also didn't try to pull his hand back.

They stayed like this for two or three minutes, and just when Erik had gathered enough strength to go on with his re-telling of the previous day's happenings, the door opened, and Andreas Kiefer entered the room.

Erik's back hurt now, too, the tension in his body bringing back the chills and the clattering of his teeth. Dr. Kiefer eyed him, thoughtfully and somehow critically, before coming to his bed, pulling the second chair with him to sit down on it.

“Nothing is broken or torn, that's the good news. But, your foot is severely sprained, and such a sprain hurts much more than broken bones oftentimes do. It will probably take two or three weeks and careful treatment but then, your foot should be fine again, at least well enough for starting with training again,” Dr. Kiefer explained, his attentive eyes never leaving Erik's face. The young defender should actually have felt relieved by his explanation, but two or three weeks seemed to be an eternity in his current state, and the team doctor also sounded somewhat angry, and this alarmed not only Erik, but also Jürgen, because he narrowed his eyes and asked: “But? I can hear a 'but' in your voice, Andreas.”

Dr. Kiefer nodded. “Yes, there is a 'but', a big but. Your blood samples are not like they should be. I won't go into detail, but I can tell you that I was pretty dismayed when I got them. Not to mention your obvious dehydration and hypoglycemia. You know that you are not allowed to try some gross and unhealthy diets by yourself and without my constant surveillance, but it looks as if you had done something like that for at least weeks. I have to blame myself that I haven't noticed your bad shape earlier, and I am actually surprised that Jürgen obviously hasn't, either, but I really thought that you of all people would be too intelligent and reasonable to ruin your health like this. Care to tell me what's going on here? Do you really consider yourself too thick or what? No diet existing in this world will bring back the high levels of your early twenties, Erik, you really should now that.”

For one moment, Erik couldn't react to the doctor's accusation, he simply gaped at him, horrified, and the last pieces of his world he had thought to be still intact shattered now, as well, because Andreas' words could only mean that he thought the same as Marco did, namely that he was too old, too slow and too bad to play football any longer. Jürgen most likely thought the same, and only the pity he felt for him had kept him from telling him that so far.

“Erik?” The doctor asked, impatiently, and Erik's gaze flickered forth and back between him and his trainer. Jürgen's face gave nothing away, but he stroked over his arm in a reassuring gesture, when he said: “No, Andreas, Erik doesn't try to become thinner or younger by any diet. You're right, we should have seen what's wrong much earlier, both, but we haven't, and all we can do now is helping him as best as we can. I have to take the blame here, because I did notice that something was wrong, and I've waited for too long before I've finally talked to him. Tell Andreas what's wrong, Erik, you know that you can't go on like that all on your own any longer. We only want to help you, and you don't have to fear that it will endanger your job and your position within the team.”

Dr. Kiefer looked confused and still mistrustful and doubtful, but his face softened a little bit. “Are you sick, Erik? Is this the reason for your health problems?”

Erik shook his head, and he could taste blood on his bottom lip where his teeth had cut it from all his biting. “No, I'm not sick. I mean, yes, I am, but only because of Marco's sickness. Marco suffers from a severe depression for months, and he has tantrums and horrible moods, taking them out on Dani and me. I haven't slept well, lately, and I feel nauseous most the time because...” He swallowed, because another bout of dizziness and nausea let the room spin around him, and he closed his eyes because he feared that he would have to throw up if he didn't.

“Yesterday, after we had come home, he yelled at Dani and me, shouted as if he had gone insane because of Dani's new plushy, and he... he told me to pack my things and leave his house. It has never been as bad as it has been yesterday and now, I need to find a new flat and, and...” Erik cried out, desperately, before his voice broke and the huge lump in his throat made each and every further attempt to talk impossible. He gasped for air, but no sound came out, and the wave of pain and despair surging through him with violent force kept him from trying it again. His heart and soul were shattered into a million pieces, and the brunet was sure that there was nothing that could undo the damage Marco's depression had caused.

Erik curled himself up into a small ball and buried his face into the pillow as his body started to shake, uncontrollably.


	16. The Darkness Inside You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik had a severe breakdown after his quarrel with Marco and his injury, and Dr. Kiefer decided to sedate him so he can sleep for some time. When he wakes up again, Marco is sitting beside his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the probably long awaited chapter with Erik's and Marco's talk. I am surprised myself how fast I could finish it, yet, it was painful to write. I have been told that men don't talk like I describe it, and I can assure you that the talk in here is very similar to the real talk this chapter is referring to. Men are more than capable of using language, metaphors and transfer the messages they want to transfer with spoken words, all the great and famous male writers prove that. Of course, not all men talk like this, but a lot of them do. I have gone into detail of the explanations on purpose, though, because you as the readers can only rely on my written words instead of being able to see facial expressions or hear the tones and voices that are used during such a talk, and I find it important to make you 'see' and 'hear' what Erik sees and hears while he listens to Marco.  
> This chapter is also a proof that the heart is capable of forgiving things that might seem to be unforgivable at first, but I don't know anyone who would tell the man or woman they still love to fuck off after them having confessed that they have been very close to comitting suicide only a couple of hours ago. My Erik in this story would never do such a thing.  
> This chapter is dedicated to all of you who craved for learning more about Marco's feelings, I hope you will find it appropriate and decent.

Erik felt like swimming in an ocean of thick, grayish jelly when he slowly woke up, the sedative Dr. Kiefer had given him still working in his blood circulation. The young defender wasn't sure what it was that had woken him up from his deep and dreamless slumber, because he still felt tired, and he kept his eyes closed for some time, afraid that the dizziness and the nausea would come back if he opened them too fast.

He remembered vaguely his breakdown, the heavy chills wrecking his body making the bed-frame creak in the same rhythm. To his luck, Jürgen and Andreas had kept their calm and decided that they could talk later about his problems, and that Erik getting some rest and medical treatment to ease his pain and the symptoms of his shock was far more important at this point.

Erik was grateful for that, and he indeed felt marginally better, so he finally dared to open his eyes and turn his head to the side where Jürgen had sat on the chair beside his bed. His mentor had promised to not leave him alone, and his fatherly friend had never broken his promises so far. The brunet had no clue how long he had slept, but the rather gray but still bright daylight seeping through the closed curtains told him that it couldn't have been longer than maybe four or five hours. Dani must be with Matze by now, most likely waiting impatiently for permission to visit his younger father, and Erik really needed to see his little son, as well.

The chair beside his bed was occupied, but it wasn't Jürgen sitting on it.

“M-M-Marco!! What are you doing here?!” Erik flinched away, instinctively.

His husband flinched, too, and Erik could see that his reaction had hurt the older one, deeply. Yet, Marco didn't become angry like Erik had expected it, and his expression was sad and full of self-loathe and regret.

“Waiting for you to wake up, babe,” he said, and his voice sounded tired and resigned. It was only then when Erik realized that the blond was holding his hand, and he pulled his fingers out of the gentle grip without thinking, stuffing his hands under the cover.

Marco swallowed, audibly, but his expression didn't change. “I deserve your hate, I guess,” was all he said, and this time, it was Erik who needed to swallow against the huge lump in his throat.

“Where is Jürgen? And how comes that you knew where to find me? Did Matze or Jürgen call you?” he whispered, huskily, pulling a melancholic smile from his husband with that. “Jürgen is waiting outside, Erik. He promised you to stay with you, and he didn't want to leave you alone with me, which is understandable given the circumstances, I think, but I begged him to give me the chance to talk to you when you would be awake again. And no, neither Matze nor Jürgen called me, and I can't blame them for that. I wanted to wait for you after training to talk to you, and Auba told me that you had become injured and that they had brought you to the hospital. I was halfway out of my mind with worries and hurried to pick Dani up from school, but Mrs. Kurz told me that Matze had already taken him home with him and Lukas. I thought that I would meet them here, but Jürgen informed me that they had had to sedate you and that Matze would come with Dani when you would feel better again, only. I don't know what you have told them about our quarrel, but he was hesitant to let me stay with you,” Marco said, and Erik was surprised that he didn't sound angry or reproachful by his last words.

The brunet bit his lips, moving a little bit further away. “I see. And why would you want to talk to me? You've made yourself perfectly clear, yesterday.” Erik had forgiven Marco more oftentimes than he could count, but his foot still hurt, badly, and this only because Marco had overstepped a line the previous day. Their sweet, innocent son had started to question his unquestioning love for his older father, something no kid in this world should ever have to do, and Erik wasn't willing to go on like this in the future, the image of an endless array of terrible shouting, quarrels and mumbled apologies playing before his mind's eye making him shiver again. Erik pulled his blanket firmly around his body with shaking hands.

This time, a simple sorry wouldn't do.

Erik was actually amazed that Marco's unexpected presence in his hospital room made him muse about at least hearing him out and maybe even find some forgiveness for his behavior deep inside him, but he wouldn't accept a halfhearted 'sorry' as an apology this time. Marco had gone too far, and Erik knew that he needed to get through to his husband and make him realize that he needed help, if not for Dani and he himself, then at least for Marco's own sake.

“I – I didn't mean it like that...” Marco tried, and Erik stared at him with big, disbelieving eyes. “You didn't mean it like that?! You told me that I am not worthy to be a professional footballer any longer. You told me that I am making you sick and that I shall piss off and leave _your_ house!” he almost shouted, emphasizing the word 'your'. He couldn't believe his ears, and Marco's attempt to play the happenings of the previous night down hurt and upset him pretty much.

Marco hung his head, but he kept looking at him from underneath his eyelashes. “I know that I've said some bad things, but I didn't mean it like that, really...”

“You broke up with me because of a damn plushy, right after our wonderful weekend, and you dare saying to me that you didn't mean it like that?” Erik felt anger rising in his guts, replacing the despair he had felt and making him forget the sharp pain in his ankle.

Marco swallowed, averting his eyes and looking utterly defeated. “It wasn't the plushy,” he murmured, his voice hardly audible. “It was the letter.”

Erik frowned. “The letter?” At first, he didn't know what Marco was referring to but then, he remembered that Marco had read one of the letters that had been put into their mailbox while they had been away.

“They have thrown me out of the distance learning. Because of the exams I haven't made in time. I – I had expected this to happen sooner or later, but when I had read the letter, after this traffic jam and Dani's wish to stay with Lukas for a while longer, everything was too much all of a sudden, and I – I don't know, I just freaked out, and there was nothing I could do against it. I tried, but it was as if a stranger had taken over my body, making me yell all of these terrible things. I simply couldn't stop it. I know that me saying sorry won't undo the damage I've done to you...” Marco's gaze darted to Erik's foot tenting the cover, “but I am so very sorry, Erik, that there are no words to describe how sorry I am. I know that you're hating me now, you and Dani, and that I have no right to beg for your forgiveness, but I am truly sorry for everything.”

Erik stared at the tousled blond hair of his husband, trying to digest the revelation that Marco had been thrown out of his course. It hadn't been the plushy, but the letter with the admittedly pretty bad news. The younger one knew how much this course had meant to his other half, and that only Marco's depression had kept him from studying, properly.

He sighed as he felt some of his anger and hurt melting away by the picture of utter misery in front of him. “I don't hate you, Marco,” he said and then, after a rather long pause and a small sigh: “come here, love.”

He lifted the bed until he was halfway sitting and pulled the desperate man crouching before his bed as close as possible. Marco buried his face into the blanket covering his lap and wrapped his arms around his waist. The position was uncomfortable, but Erik didn't complain, only started to stroke his hair and his tensed shoulders. “I am sorry to hear that, Marco. But, it doesn't entitle you to take your frustration out on Dani and me like that,” he said, and Marco nodded, miserably. “I know, Erik,” he said, his voice muffled by the blanket.

Erik kept stroking him, waiting for his next words that came after a couple of seconds. “I was scared by myself yesterday... For a while, I simply drove through the city until I reached a bridge where I stopped. No one was there that late at night, and I sat on the railing for hours, I think. I simply sat there and stared into the abyss, and there was one moment when I really wanted to jump down from the bridge to bring everything to an end. I felt so worthless and numb, somehow like a horrible monster after all the cruel things I had said to you to hide my own unworthiness, and I asked myself if this life was truly worth living any longer. I still don't know what it was that kept me from jumping. My love for Dani and you, I guess, maybe the memories of our weekend...It would have been better if I had just done it, I think... It was around two or three o'clock in the morning when I finally drove to Marcel. He let me stay overnight without saying anything, even though I had woken him up. He only said that I should talk to you and apologize to you when I told him what I had done to Dani and you. I had already figured that myself, Erik, not that you think that I came here only because of Marcel, because I really did not...”

He went silent with an inhale that sounded more like a sob, and Erik pulled him up without thinking until they sat there, embracing each other that tightly that it hurt, but neither Marco nor he himself loosened their desperate grip. Erik felt hot tears streaming over his face, and he blindly dabbed kisses on Marco's hair, his temples and every spot within his trembling lips' reach.

The realization of how close he had been to losing Marco forever, the man he had sworn to love for the rest of his life, made his knees buckle and the room spin around him again. “I love you, Marco, I love you. Please, Dani and I need you. You can't do this to us!” he croaked out, his tears falling on Marco's shirt.

Marco embraced him tighter, and he sounded totally exhausted when he said: “No, you don't need me, Erik. You would be doing so much better without me. I'm only yelling at you all of the time. You deserve to be cherished and loved, and it would be better if I left you alone so you can search for someone loving you the way you deserve it, both of you.”

“That's not true, Marco! Dani and I love you. We don't want anybody else than you! You can talk to us, you know that, don't you? You could have told me about the letter. There will surely be a solution, I'm certain about that. Please, don't keep such things to yourself all of the time. You can tell me what's troubling you. The distance learning isn't worthy enough to have such thoughts! Nothing is actually worthy enough to end your life!”

“Do you really want to live with a such a loser like I actually am for the rest of your life, Erik?” Marco pulled back a little bit to look at him, and the dead and hopeless expression in his bloodshot amber-golden eyes hurt Erik more than his foot had hurt him after his crash.

“You're not a loser, Marco! How can you say that? You are the man I love, my tower of strength, you've never let me down whenever I needed you, never!” Erik said, urgently, and Marco smiled, sadly, his eyes darting to his foot again. “Do you really believe that after what has happened to you because of me? Just look at your foot! I know that you've only become injured because of our fight yesterday! It is my fault and I know that quite well!”

Erik swallowed, knowing that he had to choose his words carefully, now. Marco had finally opened up to him, and no matter how much he wished that he hadn't had to get injured to make Marco talk to him about his feelings in the first place, but this might be his only chance to change anything, because in this moment, Marco seemed to be capable of listening to him without getting upset and starting to yell again. In this moment, his husband was able to really listen to him, and Erik needed to get through to him and make him realize that they wouldn't make it without professional help.

“Yes, I have injured myself because I was too tired to pay attention to where I was running after our argument, but I can't count the many, many times you've been there for me when I needed you! You have been the one making sure that we could adopt Dani, even though there had been so many problems at first. You have saved me from making severe mistakes so many times, and you have always been the one encouraging me that I could reach every goal I wanted to reach. You're not a loser, Marco, quite the opposite! You are strong and clever, amazing and wonderful, caring and sexy and loving and absolutely lovable. You are my and Dani's hero, the one we love and admire more than anything! Your life is worth living, and Dani and I love you and need you. We don't love you because we need you, but the other way around. We need you because we love you!”

He was out of breath when he stopped, but he must have said the right things, because Marco laid his head on his shoulder again and drew in a shuddering breath. “I know that my life isn't so bad, at least, my mind keeps telling me that now and then.  
But, ever since my retirement, it _feels_ bad and not worth living, at all. There is this numbness deep inside me, a sadness I don't know where it is coming from. But, it swallows every positive thought, every little joy and every light. Sometimes, I look out of the window and into the sunlight, but all I can see is darkness surrounding me, a darkness that swallows my soul until there is no cheerful or happy glimpse left. It is as if nothing could ever take away this blackness and all consuming numbness.  
On these days, all I want to do is stay in bed, fall asleep and never wake up again.  
On days like these, I feel as tired as I've never felt in my life, and I can hardly manage to stand up and do what I have to do to fulfill my duties.  
And oftentimes, on other days, the sadness and this horrible tiredness of life are replaced by hot fury, and I am as clueless where this anger and fury are coming from as I am clueless about the reason for my sadness.  
On these days, I feel like sitting on the top of a boiling volcano, and it doesn't take much to let the volcano explode and me with it. I don't want to yell and shout like this, but there has to be only something minor like one player of my team passing the ball the wrong way, or Dani asking me the same question three times and then, something inside me breaks, and I hear myself screaming. I only manage to hold myself back when I'm in public, but the fury won't go away, and when I come home, I can't keep up my self-control any longer. I know that it's wrong, but I can't stop it. I don't feel this way the entire time, but it happens again and again until all I can think of is that I'm going crazy! I can't sleep properly during the night anymore, and I find myself musing about ending my misery – and yours, as well, more and more lately...”

Marco lifted his head from his shoulder, and Erik could see that his face was as wet as his own face was because of the silent tears he had cried while listening to his beloved husband's confession. The blond raised one shaky hand to Erik's face, stroking his damp cheek, gently. “Tell me, Erik, am I going crazy? Will I become insane? What is wrong with me that I'm feeling this way, hurting you and Dani again and again? I love you, I really do, but it doesn't seem to be enough to let these feelings go away!”

Erik thought that his heart would break, but he smiled under his tears and returned the tender caress by stroking Marco's hollow face with all the love he felt. “No, love, you're not going crazy. This darkness inside you, your anger and your sadness are not a sign of insanity. This stranger you sometimes turn into, and the blackness seeming to swallow your soul and your spirits and joy of living have a name. They are called depression. You suffer from a severe depression, Marco, and you need professional help.”


	17. We Will Fight Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik has told Marco that he suffers from a depression. How will Marco react and what will happen now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part of this chapter is still based on my own experiences, the last part is about how the slow and painful process of the rehab should start. I'm not sure whether or not it comes across too pathetic, but it felt right to write it this way, after all, this topic contains a lot of deep and intensive emotions.  
> There are not so many chapters left, the story has already become much longer than I had planned it to be, I hope you will stick with me to the end and share your thoughts with me, it would mean a lot.

“Depression?” Marco stared at Erik, and the younger one could see how shocked his husband was by his words. The blond didn't look angry like Erik had feared he would be, more disbelieving and taken aback. It was clear that Marco hadn't realized so far what kind of disease he suffered from, and Erik couldn't blame him for that, considering how little he had known about depression – especially male depression – himself.

“But, I'm not whining and weeping all of the time, Erik! If I was really depressive, I would feel like crying instead of being that furious, wouldn't I?” Marco stammered, “I'm not one of those helpless people who don't manage to live a life on their own and, whining about everything and nothing the entire time! I'm not hysterical and talking about all of my sicknesses and ailments with everyone. An old aunt of mine was depressive, I remember how she behaved quite well. She was whimpering and crying because of everything, and she complained the entire time and did nothing on her own, Her children had to do everything for her, and I am not like that, at all! No, I don't think that I am depressive, Erik! It must be something else, something physical, maybe, there is something wrong with my blood that makes me feel that tired. I'm not mentally ill or crazy, I don't need to be checked by a headshrinker and I definitely don't need to be committed to a madhouse!”

Erik's heart ached for his beloved one when he saw the confusion and fear in Marco's eyes. He pulled him close again, and after stiffening and trying to draw back for one moment, the older one leaned against him and buried his face on his shoulder again. Erik stroked and kissed his hair to calm him down, because the trembling underneath his hands and lips were a clear proof that Marco was drifting away from him again and into this state he had come to fear that much.

For a rather long time, they simply sat there, and when Erik was sure that Marco wouldn't start to shout or simply run away from him, he laid his fingers under his chin to make the blond look at him. “You're not mentally ill in the sense you have meant it, love. Depression is a severe sickness, and of course, it affects the body as much as your feelings. But, you need to realize the truth, Marco. You can't go on like that – we can't go on like that. I didn't know myself for a long time what was wrong, and I understand how hard all of this is for you. I had really hoped that our love would be enough for you to heal, but, it isn't enough. I am the man who loves you, deeply, but I am not a therapist. You need someone professional to help you, someone you can talk to without having to fear that you will hurt Dani and me with your words, and you will probably need some medical treatment. But,” Erik stopped and pulled Marco close again when he tried to get away from him, “you're not crazy and I am positive that we can do that without you having to stay in a hospital. Dani and I love you, and we believe in you. You only have to believe in yourself that you can fight against this stranger who threatens to pull you downwards more and more.”

Marco swallowed, fiddling with the white blanket covering Erik's legs. “See, you're telling me yourself that I am a loser, a damn, weak loser!” he said, flatly, and when he looked up at the brunet, Erik could see the yellow glow of the stranger lurking behind his husband's amber-golden eyes. Marco had tensed up again, even though he tried to hold himself back and not yell at him again. His face had turned impassive, and Erik thought that he would actually prefer Marco shouting at him instead of seeing this coldness in his eyes.

“No, I'm not saying that you are a weak loser, Marco! Not at all!” he tried, desperate to get through to the man he still loved so much, no matter what had happened only a couple of hours ago. In good and in bad times they had sworn to each other, and Erik was old-schooled when it came to that and determined to keep his promises and stick to his oath. “Would you think that you are a weak loser if it was cancer or something other physically?” he asked, and Marco bit his lips.

“This is something completely different. Cancer is an illness you can't avoid getting,” he objected, and Erik blinked.

“You think that it is your own fault? That you could have avoided becoming depressive?” he inquired, and Marco nodded his head. “Of course. If I had been stronger, if I hadn't retired that early but played for a while longer, I wouldn't have become that weak. There must be something wrong with me, no real, tough man will become depressive!”

Erik felt his jaw drop, and he couldn't help but scowl at his other half. “You're kidding me, right? If you are not a real, tough man, than no one is! I only have to remember yesterday morning and to sit on my sore ass for a while to know for sure that you are pure and utterly male!” he groused, and to his surprise, Marco managed a truly amused and rather smug chuckle.

“Is that so?” he wanted to know, waggling his eyebrows. He glided closer again to kiss Erik, and when his tongue sneaked into the soft cavern of his mouth, Erik wrapped his arms around Marco's neck and kissed him back as if his life depended on it, glad about his sudden mood change this time. The picture of Marco lying on the ground with shattered bones and covered with his blood made him shiver, and he realized once more what a close call it had been. He had almost lost the love of his life, and their son his other father, and Erik pulled Marco closer without caring about the pain shooting through his ankle as he did so. His foot would heal with a lot of rest and some pills and ointments, but Marco's soul needed all the love it could get, and Erik would prove to him that life was still more than worth living.

His husband had become so thin in his arms, and new tears welled up in Erik's eyes when his hands glided over Marco's ribs visible under his shirt. “I love you, Marco, I love you so,” he whispered, and the blond sighed and kissed him again. “I love you, too, Erik. I'm so sorry for what I have done to you.”

“I know, love, I know. But, this is not important, only that you will feel better again. You should talk to Jürgen, Marco. He has gone through the same, he knows so much better than I do how you feel and what you will need. I am sure that you will believe him when he tells you that depression is a disease that can hit everybody, and that it has nothing to do with weakness or being a loser. It is a horrible disease like cancer, and depression doesn't care whether it's victims are rich or poor, male or female, living alone or with a family. Depression doesn't care about skin colors or jobs, and it doesn't care about young or old. There is nothing you have done wrong, and you couldn't have avoided becoming sick. There is nothing you needed to be ashamed of, and it is nothing you need to hide from your friends and your family.” Erik went silent, and Marco tried a cautious smile.

“I am not so sure that I believe you, but I'll do my very best to try it.” His eyes darted to the door, and Erik had a bad conscience when he suddenly remembered that Jürgen was still waiting outside.  
“Just call him in, Marco. Talking to him will be good for you, I'm sure about that. Besides, he needs to know that I am feeling much better.”

Marco's smile lit up the rather gloomy, grayish hospital room. “You do?”

“Yes, Marco, as long as you are with me and as long as we have each other and Dani, I will always be fine, don't you ever doubt that,” Erik said, sincerely, and Marco kissed his forehead. “Thank you, Erik. Thank you for not giving up on me even though I have been such an asshole over the past months,” he whispered, and Erik returned the favor and kissed his forehead, as well.

“It hasn't been you, love. The stranger the depression has turned you into has been the one responsible for all of this, not you. But, you have to fight against him and not allow him to take over control, completely. And I will always stand by your side. You are my husband, Dani's paps, and we are a family and will always be.”

Marco nodded and stood up, making his way to the door to let Jürgen in, and Erik watched him with a hopeful smile. They were nowhere near out of the woods, but a start had been made, and Erik was certain now that they would be able to take this long and winding road together. If there was still love, there was also still hope and renownedly, hope is the last thing to die.

 

*~*~*~*

 

“Daddy, daddy!!!” Dani screamed, excitedly, when Erik hobbled over the threshold of their house, supporting his weight with crutches. It might be 'only' a sprain, but his foot was still swollen like a balloon and hurt pretty much, and Dr. Kiefer had told him to use the crutches for a couple of days and to stay in bed or on the couch and give his ankle the rest it needed to heal as fast as possible.

“Dani, my sweet boy!” Erik slowly knelt down and opened his arms for him, and after one reassuring glance at his older father, Dani threw himself into his dad's arms, careful to not hurt him more. “I'm so glad that you are back, daddy!” Their little boy pressed his face against Erik's throat, placing a rather loud and wet kiss onto his cheek. Erik closed his eyes with pure bliss, his love for the precious little being in his arms overwhelming him. “I've missed you, darling!” he whispered, even though it had been only three hours ago that they had last seen each other.

“Missed you, too, daddy! I'm so glad that you don't need to stay for longer in the hospital. Hospitals are bad!” He pulled away to look at his father, and Erik ruffled his hair. “Yes, they are. Every time, I tried to sleep, a horribly cheerful nurse banged the door against the wall of my room and shouted that she wanted to take my blood pressure, temperature or something like that!”

Erik shuddered, theatrically, winking up at his husband watching the scene with an amused shake of his head with his right eye. Jürgen and Dr. Kiefer had decided that it would be better for him to stay two days in the hospital, and Marco had conspired with them and made three days out of it. Erik of course knew that they had been right, but the three days had felt like an eternity despite all of the visitors he had had.

Matze had visited him with Dani and Lukas, Auba had come four times, sneaking his favorite chocolate into his locker, and almost every other teammate had visited him, as well. After their long talk with Jürgen, Marco had asked Marcel to let him stay two days at his place, and Matze had been more than happy to take care of Dani while Erik couldn't see to him. The previous night, Marco had come home to prepare everything for Erik's arrival, and Dani had insisted on helping him after school. Erik had been worried about Dani and Marco being alone with each other, but their faces told him that it had gone well, and he relaxed gratefully and rose to his feet with Dani clinging to his waist. Matze had driven him home and accompanied to the door, but he had understood that Erik wanted to be alone with Marco and Dani after their quarrel and the last happenings.

“Hello, Marco,” he said now, a little bit hoarsely, and his husband pulled him close and kissed him. “Hello, Erik. Welcome home, love.” For a while they stood just like this, one arm wrapped around one another, and the other arm wrapped around their sweet son.

“I've unpacked your things again, I hope I did it right. Dani was of great help,” Marco finally broke the slightly uncomfortable silence, and Erik dared a smile. “I'm sure that you have done great together. Hm, it smells deliciously! Let me guess: you've planned to spoil me with your tomato sauce?”

Marco grinned like the little rascal he had once been and shook his head. “Nope.”

Erik frowned. “But, it smells like your wonderful tomato sauce!” he pouted, and Marco winked at Dani, offering him his hand for a high five. Dani shouted with joy and smacked his father's palm with a loud noise. “It hasn't been me cooking the tomato sauce for you. It has been Dani! He told me that he wants to learn how to cook because the doctor told you to stay in bed, and he cooked all alone with me only as his supervisor.” Both male, the grown up and the little one beamed at the brunet, waiting for the praise they truly deserved for their feat, and Erik was more than happy to give them what they wanted.

Letting a little boy do the cooking didn't look like a feat at first sight, but knowing about Marco's depression and how much it bothered him if someone was doing something not the way Marco could handle it, Erik was more than aware of the fact that it had been a rather big feat, actually.

“Really, you cooked for me? My favorite dish? That's great! I'm sure that it will taste as good as it tastes when your paps is cooking for us, even better. Paps must have been a great teacher, then, because I can hardly wait to try it!” he praised Dani while he pressed Marco closer to kiss him on his cheek and whisper a silent “thank you, love!” in his ear.

Dani shouted again, pulling forcefully at Erik's hand. “Yes, daddy, come to the table, it is getting cold!” he urged his father, and Erik almost lost his balance. “Be careful, Dani! Daddy's foot hurts, remember?” Marco said, gently guiding him into the dining room. The table was set up with candles and their good porcelain, and Erik felt tears of gratitude well up in his eyes as he sat down on the chair Marco had pulled for him.

This was his home and his family, and Erik knew that he would do everything he could do to not let anything come between them, especially not an ugly stranger with the name depression. No, Erik would fight and he was determined to win this fight, no matter what he had to do to let that happen.

 

*~*~*~*

 

“Dani wants to become a cook,” Marco said later on when he joined Erik on the couch after having put their happy son to bed. Dinner had been more than delicious, and Dani and Marco had cleaned the table together, ordering Erik to stay on the couch and get more rest, strictly and in perfect unison.

The younger father had resigned himself to his fate without much protest, because his ankle didn't take it well when he had to stand or sit for a long time, and he had busied himself with surfing the internet, aimlessly, until he had found an interesting article about an excavation in Scotland. He probably should have searched for more information about depression, but Erik was simply glad that he could take his mind off this topic now and then, and he smiled at his husband as he pointed at the photos that belonged to the article.

“I would love to visit Scotland with Dani and you on our next vacation,” he suggested, the Highlands look so beautiful!” Marco took the laptop to take a look at what Erik had found, nodding his head when he had read the information under the photos.

“Yes, that sounds nice, love. Just you, Dani and me and wild nature. Maybe, this can be arranged.” He paused, putting the laptop back onto the coffee table. Erik gazed at him, readying himself for another discussion about the necessity of starting a therapy. Marco had been hesitant about this so far, to put it nicely, but Jürgen had had a long talk with his husband this morning, and maybe, Marco had changed his mind about seeing a psychiatrist after this talk.

He obviously had, because he took a deep breath and said: “Jürgen convinced me to give it a shot, Erik. He knows someone, and he has arranged an appointment the day after tomorrow for me. He says that Dr. Winkler has worked with a lot of sportsmen, especially footballers, over the past few years, and he says that he is really good. He even has a psychologist who is specialized on this kind of conversational therapy at hand, not in the same office, but I wouldn't have to wait for too long for starting such a talk therapy. Jürgen has even offered me to come with me, and I am grateful for this. I have to admit that I would prefer to go there without you, at least at first,” Marco said, and Erik smiled tenderly at him. “That's okay, Marco, I understand that. Maybe, we can visit him together one day, but I am sure that it will be better for to do that without me for a start. Jürgen has gone through the same, he can help you much better than I could ever do.”

Marco pulled him close. “That's not true. You're helping more than any other person. You love me, you are there for me, I don't know anyone who would have stayed by my side the way you did!”

“Yes, I love you, and I will stay by your side. But, my love doesn't replace a conversational therapy, and it also wouldn't be good if I became some kind of therapist. Dr. Winkler will know what kind of therapy will help you the most, and a psychologist will look at your feelings and problems from an objective and distant view instead of getting hurt like I would. You can open up to them in a way you could never do with me, and that's what you need.”

Marco sighed. “Yes, Jürgen has said much the same. I'm still not comfortable with the thought of needing this kind of help, you know how I think about drugs and pills, but I know that I can't go on like that anymore. Your injury has finally opened my eyes. It's bad enough that this had to happen before I realized what kind of person I had become.”

Erik snuggled close to him. “Maybe, it will go without pills,” he mused, but he didn't believe his own words and he could see in Marco's eyes that his husband didn't believe them, either.

Marco sighed. “No, I don't think so. Jürgen has told me a lot about his own therapy and rehab, and he said that the pills are important because of my suicidal thoughts, the sleeping problems and my tantrums. The talk therapy alone won't do, I guess.”

Erik kissed him. “Whatever you need, love.”

There was a rather long silence, then Marco admitted, hoarsely: “I'm still hoping that Dr. Winkler won't confirm yours and Jürgen's suspicion. Ever since you used the word depression, I have to think of all the others... those who haven't made it...”

“You will make it, love,” Erik insisted, fear rising in his guts. “You have Dani and me, Marcel and all the others...”

“I know, Erik. But, they haven't been alone, either. They had friends and families, as well.”

“We will fight together, Marco. Please, don't try to go through this alone. If you feel lonely, desperate or think that you want to jump from a bridge, come to me and talk to me. Or call Marcel or Jürgen – Matze! Don't lock yourself away! Think of Dani, he needs you!” Erik shifted in Marco's arms to gaze at him.

Marco smiled, sadly. “I know, Erik. It's only that in such moments, when you're having thoughts like these, nothing counts any longer. When I'm feeling tired of living, there is nothing changing that. In these moments, I don't care about anyone perhaps needing me. I don't care about living or dying, and I don't care about hurting Dani and you with that. I love you so much, and I know that it is wrong, but knowing something and feeling something are two entirely different kind of matters. I might wish that it would be different, but I simply can't help my feelings.”

Erik had a huge lump in his throat, and he felt scared and even a little bit angry and hurt, but he knew how important it was for Marco that he could finally admit his problems without having to fear that his husband would react badly to what he said. “I can't say that I truly understand you, love, but one thing I can tell you for sure: I won't give up on you, never. I will stand by you and fight this fight together with you, no matter how hard and painful it will be. I won't let the stranger in you win, no way. You are my husband, the man I have sworn to love, and I will never let you down, I promise you.”

Marco smiled underneath his tears as he gently laid his forehead against Erik's. “Thank you, Erik. I love you, too. Only a couple of days ago, I wouldn't have thought it possible, but now, with you by my side and knowing that you have actually been able to forgive me, I do believe that we might have a chance to fight against this monster in me.” He swallowed, audibly. “Even Dani has forgiven me. I know that I have hurt him, deeply, and that I have done great damage to him, but he is so brave and tough, he told me very strictly that I should better never hurt you again like this, because his Rexi would be very angry with me, then.”

Erik couldn't help but snicker, tenderly stroking Marco's face. “Our wonderful son. He is truly brave. Don't tell me that you've changed your mind about Rexi sleeping in his bed!”

“No, I haven't. Dani agreed with me that Rexi should better watch the footboard of his bed. Our son is fine in his bed, and Rexi is fine at the end of it. He sleeps on one of the pillows we don't use any longer.”

“I'm relieved to hear that.” Erik said, drawing back to look at his other half again. “Together, we will be strong enough, Marco, I know that. We will fight together, and one day, you will see the beauty of life and the bright light again. One day, you will laugh and smile again, and when this day comes, Dani and I will be by your side and laugh and smile with you.”

Marco's eyes were filled with love and hope when he pulled him close again, and his smile was as honest and sweet as Erik remembered it from their happy days.

“Yes, Erik, we will fight together, we won't let this horrible disease win, because I really don't want to lose Dani and you. I will fight and I will win.”

“I know that you will win. We will win,” Erik said and then, they sealed their promise to fight together against Marco's depression with a kiss.


	18. The Long And Winding Road Ahead Of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six weeks after having sprained his ankle, Erik is back on the pitch, and Marco and Dani are watching the away match in Mainz together with Mr. Leidinger's class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the last chapter of this story, it is more or less an epilogue with the promise and the hope that Erik will be able to fight against Marco's depression together and win this fight one day in the future.  
> I have added some notes at the end of the rather short chapter in which I describe the important parts of a possible rehab, you can of course skip them if you'll find them too boring or edifying. 
> 
> A million thank you to all of you who have left kudos and comments under this story, for your subscriptions and bookmarks, for every hit and for sticking with me til the end of this for me very important and personal story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, your support mean everything to me. <333

_**Epilogue:** _

_Six weeks later:_

 

Erik was running over the pitch, chasing after the Mainzer to steal the ball from his foot before he would reach the right position to shoot towards Roman's net. He hesitated for the split of a second when he remembered what had happened the last time he had tried to keep a striker from scoring, but he forced the memories of his crush with Auba back into the farthest corner of his mind, focusing on his opponent instead.

Dortmund was ahead of Mainz with one goal, but they had been in danger of conceding another goal for the last ten minutes, and Erik wouldn't let their striker draw level with them, no way. He stopped just before he would bump into the Mainzer and cause a penalty, pushing with his foot against the ball between the other player's spread legs. It rolled to the side, and Erik quickly turned around to block his opponent, swinging his right leg and hitting the ball with such force that it flew through the air with high speed. The striker cursed, but Erik ignored him as much as he ignored the slight pain throbbing in his still tender ankle while he slowly jogged in the other direction, watching the ball falling down again, right before Auba's eye-blinding orange football shoes.

The Gabonese sped up and started off towards the Mainzer goalkeeper with the ball on his feet. Erik could hear the fans shouting, the Mainzer in dismay and the Dortmunder fans in delight and hope, and his eyes darted to the seats in the first row where Marco, Dani and Mr. Leidinger's class were sitting. He smiled when he saw them waving and screaming, and the warmth rushing through his body let the pain in his foot fade again.

Erik was so caught up in his tries to detect his husband among the bouncing teenagers that he didn't pay attention to the happenings before the Mainzer net, and only the noise suddenly rising to new levels told him that something must have happened only a couple of seconds ago. When he turned around to see what it was, a dark shadow was almost flying towards him and then, Auba jumped him with a loud shout, knocking Erik off his feet with his excitement. The air was pressed out of his lungs and the defender found himself lying on the ground and flat on his back, buried underneath a heap of a screaming mess of yellow and black jerseys.

After this fateful day six weeks ago, when he had become injured and Marco had finally talked with Jürgen about his problems; which had also eventually led to him making the first and so important steps to get professional help, they had decided to inform Erik's teammates and their friends and families about Marco's depression.

Not all of them had really understood what was going on and the seriousness of Marco's state, but Erik's colleagues had more or less all reacted, greatly, and they all stood behind Erik himself and his husband, their former teammate and still close friend, like one man. They had supported Erik ever since his confession that Marco was suffering from a severe depression as best as they could, and their behavior now as they almost strangled him as a reward for his assist boosted the warmth of joy and gratitude pooling in his abdomen and made him giggle with emotion.

“Urgh, yes, I'm happy, too, but please, let me live!” he croaked out, trying to shove the heavy weight off his chest and get some air back into his lungs. Auba chuckled and his dark eyes sparkled when he offered Erik his hand to help him back onto his feet again. “This is your goal, Erik!” he said with a smile, “you might not have shot it yourself, but it is your goal, nonetheless, so don't complain about your treatment.”

“I don't, I would only be grateful for being able to witness the final whistle before being strangled by you!” Erik joked, accepting Auba's high five before he ran back to take up position once more. They would win this game for Marco and their guests, the teenagers of Mr. Leidinger's class, Erik now knew that for sure, and this knowledge awakened the hope in him that Marco might also win his hard fight against his depression one day.

A start had already been made, Marco had visited the psychiatrist, Dr. Winkler, and the experienced doctor had made a thorough diagnosis and scheduled the scheme for Marco's rehab. Marco was still hesitant, reserved and mistrustful, especially when it came to the medication he had to take, but together with Jürgen's help, Erik had convinced his husband to give them a try, and Marco was actually starting to feel better.

He had still tantrums and mood changes, no matter how hard he tried to suppress them, but they had lost some of their scaring force, and Marco had admitted that he at least slept better because of the pills. He had also started with the conversational therapy three weeks ago, and Erik was deeply grateful for every little step forward.

Their road was still a long and winding one, rather steep and filled with obstacles lying in their way, but Erik had sworn to love Marco and stand by his side in good and in bad times, and he had promised his other half to never give up on him the evening when he had come home from the hospital. Erik had never been the one making promises lightheartedly, and he would keep his promise and travel this road together with Marco, no matter what, not only for Marco's and his own sake, but also for their little son Dani, who needed both of his fathers.

Erik smiled, shooting another quick glance at the spot where his beloved ones were sitting before he concentrated on his job again, and when the referee blew the final whistle after twenty more minutes, Erik ran to his little family together with his team to celebrate their win against Mainz together with them.

“Daddy, daddy! You have played great!” Dani screamed, excitedly, as Marco lifted their son over the railing for Erik to take him and press him close to his sweaty jersey. “Thank you, darling, I've given my best for paps and you, knowing that you were watching me with eagle eyes!” he said, winking at his husband with his right eye over Dani's ruffled shock of hair.

Marco smiled at him, and his smile made Erik's heart race like it always did, ever since he had fallen in love with him. “Our son is right, Erik, you have outdid yourself today again,” he said, sincerely, and Erik knew that he would always try to outdo himself for the man he loved so much, not only when it came to playing football, but also when it came to finding their way back to a happy and normal life without depression and everything else.

“I will always give my best for you, love,” he whispered almost inaudible, but the expression of love and gratitude in Marco's beautiful amber-golden eyes proved to him that he had heard him, nonetheless.

For one long moment, they looked each other deep in their eyes, Marco leaned against the railing and Erik standing before it with Dani on his arm, and when they reached out with their hands at the same time to entangle their fingers, the sun that had hidden itself for almost the entire day broke through the heavy clouds to shine onto them and bathe them in its warm, golden light.

Erik closed his fingers around Marco's hand and smiled.

 

_The End_

***

_**Author's notes:** _

 

As always after finishing one of my WIPS, I want to thank all of you who have read this story and especially those who have supported it with your feedback. I have never hidden how important the feedback, support and encouragement coming from my readers is for me, because I wouldn't need to post my stories if I didn't care about getting something back from you in the first place.

 _'The Stranger In You'_ is actually one of the stories I had merely started to write down my own experiences and get them off my chest, and that you supported it that much means even more to me because of its personal character. At first, I had wanted to make a much shorter story out of it, and I had also planned to write the end much darker, but I think that it is better this way. Everything described here is based on real happenings, and I stopped it where the story would have become much more fictional and lead away from the real future happenings I've experienced myself.

Some of you have told me that they have gone through similar experiences and that they find my description of male depression and the suffering accurate, and I am touched and grateful that you've shared your thoughts with me and assured me that I was doing this right. Some of you might have hoped for this fic also telling about Marco's rehab, but this story is meant to give the families of the sick ones a voice, something I haven't found among the many stories about depression posted in this fandom so far.

There are quite a lot, but all of the ones I've read are written from the POV of the sick one, and they hardly ever mention the problems and the hurt of the ones loving them. A story describing Marco's rehab also couldn't be told from Erik's POV, only, though, and this is the other reason why I've decided to end this one here at this point. It would have to be told from Marco's POV, or Marco's and Erik's POV, and therefore also requests a story on itself.

It would be much more fictional, but if you would be interested in such a story, please, let me know. I have to admit that I don't want to do this without your active and constant support, the topic is rather painful for me, and writing such a fic - which requests greatest care and honesty because depression is a serious topic and shouldn't be written without them - without getting your feedback in return is nothing I want to do.

To give you an impression of what such a sequel would be about, I can tell you a few things about how depression should be treated like. The stories I've read about this topic so far normally don't go much into detail, and some of them give the reader the impression that talking to a psychologist once in a while and being 'saved' by someone just loving them enough, would be all that is needed to cure the depressed one. They are great stories written with care and love, and this will surely work for someone only suffering from a light depression or simply depressed moods now and then, but unfortunately, love will never be enough to heal men or women suffering from a severe depression and having suicidal thoughts.

Robert Enke, Sascha Lewandowski, the former trainer of Wales, they have all been loved, have had friends and families caring deeply about them, even children needing them, and it hasn't been enough to keep them from committing suicide.

I have lived in relationships with a man suffering from a severe depression for years two times, and I can tell for sure that it needs much more than love to cure depression and that oftentimes enough, the depression will become chronic and never go away, completely. I am aware that the health systems in other countries are different from the one in Germany, but I guess that in at least West-Europe and the USA, it will be similar to ours when it comes to how a severe depression will be treated and cured.

The first and probably most important step is that the depressed one finally admits that they have developed a depression like 'my' Marco has done it after Erik's injury. It might be surprising for you that he hadn't realized it himself much earlier because of his suicidal thoughts, but denying the truth when it comes to things us humans don't want to admit and realize is very common, and especially when it comes to handicaps, (I experience this every day with my clients denying their hearing losses for years), diseases or other things like addictions for example. The depressed ones are really clueless themselves for a very long time, and apart from that, depression doesn't come overnight with a loud bang in most cases. It sneaks up on its prey and 'spreads' out into daily life unnoticed for a rather long time.

After admitting the truth, the depressed one has to search for a doctor, a psychiatrist, in this case. No man I know is comfortable with visiting a 'headshrinker', and this step is actually a big one. The psychiatrist is – at least in Germany – the only doctor being entitled and capable of making a thorough diagnosis, and he is also the only one allowed to prescribe the necessary medical treatment. He or she will inform the family doctor on a regular basis, but family doctors are normally not allowed to prescribe the special drugs supporting the rehab of a depressed patient. Such a medical treatment also normally goes with a tightly scheduled supervision, at least at the beginning and when the psychiatrist is taking their job seriously.

The next important step – in case the psychiatrist decides that it is needed – will be the talk therapy. Some psychiatrists are doing that themselves, but the normal procedure is that the patient has to search for a psychologist or someone entitled to do such a therapy. Psychologist don't belong to the medical staff, they are not doctors in the common sense of the word, and they don't make diagnoses and they are not allowed to prescribe drugs (at least not in Germany). The psychologist will report to the psychiatrist about the progress the patient is making, and them working together hand in hand is crucial.

Finding the right psychiatrist and psychologist is one of the hardest things to do and keep a lot of people from seeking help. 'My' Marco is a footballer, and he benefits from Jürgen's connections, but no 'normal' German man or woman would get the help they need after a couple of days. They have to wait for weeks and months, even if they are having suicidal thoughts, so please don't think that getting the needed help is as easy as it has been for the Marco in my story.  
Talk therapies cost a lot, and no normal worker can afford the money for them for a long time like well-payed sportsmen, managers or other rich people could do. They have to rely on our health system, and without a psychiatrist prescribing such a therapy, there is hardly any chance to get this kind of help.

The patient has also to change his life during such a therapy, meaning that he or she just can't go on like they have done before, they will have to find a way to relax and feel better, they have to work for their rehab. This working is special and individual for each man and woman, some of them will search for a new job maybe, others might find a little bit of peace in doing Yoga or sports, others will start a hobby, a honorary post, or perhaps maybe even leave their partners, (not my Marco!). This is painful and requires a lot of effort and work coming from the depressed one, but without such changes, the therapy won't be successful.

Then there is the possibility of a stay in a psychiatric clinic, a 'madhouse' like Marco put. The section where they would stay have of course nothing to do with the section where psychopaths for example are treated, of course, and not every depressed one will have to stay in a hospital for weeks, but it can become necessary, especially if there is the serious wish to commit suicide or the patient has already tried to commit suicide.  
It is not so easy to get there as one might think, and it is up to the psychiatrist to decide if such a stay will be necessary or not. For people with connections it is easier again, and it has nothing to do with being insane or crazy or something like that, but there are a lot of prejudices because I former times, psychiatric clinics have really been 'madhouses' most of the times, and men normally have huge problems with the thought of having to stay there.

These are the main parts of a possible rehab, and it is a slow, long and painful process with setbacks, doubts and a lot of fights and struggles, not only for the one suffering, but also for their families again. Finding the right doctor and the right pills, diminishing the side effects of them which can be pretty severe, the painful talks and needed changes is something that causes a lot of people to stop their therapy, and some of them have to go through this several times to feel better again. Sometimes, no therapy can help them, we can read that in the news oftentimes enough when someone has committed suicide again and maybe even taken their families with them.

The described things might give you an impression of what my sequel would be about, it surely wouldn't be a romantic fairytale and, as I said before, me thinking about writing it will definitely depend on your feedback and you telling me that you want me to write it, because it would be hard and difficult to write, and also rather painful.

At the very end of this story let me thank you again, your kind words and your support ever since I started _'The Stranger In You'_ in March have helped me through the for me rather rough and difficult last months, I hope that I could help you with this story at least a little bit, as well.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sei tapfer, mein Kind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8527996) by [eafay70](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eafay70/pseuds/eafay70)




End file.
